Effects Sex Before Marriage on a Person

We unfortunately live in a society where people no longer wait for the person they are to marry to have sex.  Those who do are ridiculed and thought of as abnormal.

God intended for the fruit of sex to be opened between two marriage partners.

God being of love, would also participate in this event and the children which are born from this activity.

Many young people do not know the devastation from becoming sexually involved too soon has on their mind, spirit and developmental growth.

Therefore, we have listed six effects having sex outside of a secure relationship has on a person.  We continue from our discussion yesterday: Sex Before Marriage Disrupts Growth of Heart and Character


3. Guilt, Regret and Diminished Sense of Worth

In Genesis, Adam and Eve experienced shame after they ate of the fruit which produced the Fall.

Since sexuality is linked to the conscience, it is no surprise that misdirected love commonly yields a harvest of guilt and loss of self-respect.

When people have used the most valuable part of their bodies to gain pleasure or love or security, they cannot but feel degraded, even if they are not conscious of the loss for some time. 

Many experienced teenagers say they regret losing their virginity the way they did.

Both old and young men say that they are haunted with guilt that what was just a pleasurable ride for them was a moving expression of love and commitment for their partner.

Females are more sensitive to how something sacred has been violated with premature sex.

They may feel shame for violating the more of their parent’s or their faith community.

Abortions add weight to the partner’s distress.  Infidelity within marriage creates its own guilt-ridden hell for the cheater.

Once the cheater wakes up to the devastation they have caused to the lives of their loved one, the self-reproach can be crushing.

One counselor compares this guilt to having killed someone while driving.

Self-forgiveness can be a formidable challenge.

When one looks at sexual attractiveness and prowess as the important reason to have a romantic connection with another, this makes one judge people based on looks and not on who they are.  This behavior creates anxiety in their relationships.

When one is concerned on how they can use another just for sex and not the whole person as a criteria for a relationship, this causes one to have fear that there are more attractive people or those who can perform better.

“Do I still look good enough, perform well enough, please you enough?”


This is tragic when adultery brings this insecurity to the one place that should be safe and secure, the marriage bed.

This undermines the ideal that your partner is unique and irreplaceable.

Jennifer, 30, explains her experience: “The acceptance, even encouragement of premarital sex makes it very difficult to sustain the fantasy that we are the sole
object of love.”

Victims of infidelity often feel they have been trashed.

With this lowered self-esteem, one may enter into other sexual involvements just to prove that they are still desirable.

This leads to even more self-disrespect.

Thus, a vicious cycle of reaching approval through sex, not able to attain this, and thereby compounding one’s desperate need.


4. Heartbreak and Destructive Behavior


All infatuations or romantic involvements of some duration are painful when they break up.

But the break up of emotional ties and expectations of where the relationship was going is intensified even more when sex is introduced.

Studies have highlighted the role of certain brain chemicals in sexual bonding.

Even in casual liaisons, sex acts like a powerful glue which has no easy way to release its grip.

Hearts that bond through sex are unlikely to disengage without being ripped apart in some way.

This trauma, for some, can resemble the pain of divorce.

Others are able to numb or deny the pain through alcohol or pills.

Many men have said that they are so afraid of being hurt like that again that they withhold their hearts even though they give their body to another for moments of pleasure.

This is why young people are indifferent to sexual activity which one commentator called, “oddly disengaged—emotionally cool while physically hot.”

The heartbreak that is incurred and the sense that one has given themselves completely and only received a little in return, not including the fallout of diseases and unwanted pregnancies, can cause young people who engage in sex prematurely to live in despair.

The rate of teen suicide has tripled in the past 30 years in the U.S.  This is ths same time period where teenage sexual activity rose sharply.

Statistics show that girls who lose their virginity are more prone to commit suicide than virgins.  Male peers are more likely to be involved in destructive behavior, such as running away from home, drug use and getting arrested.

The emotional explosion that comes when one is sexually betrayed can lead to extreme rage or lead to violence against former or new lovers.

Other emotions can be exhibited from the break-up of a sexual liaisons: stalking, assualt and homicide when jealous lovers become a daily even.  Countless people live in fear of retaliation by an ex-lover.


5. Spiritual Disorientation


Uncommitted sex encourages a distorted spiritual outlook.

Whether one belongs to a certain religion, one may still have a negative outlook.  First, premature sex gives one the belief in one’s own supremacy of his or her ego.

When one has multiple sex partners, it implies that the ego is the ultimate reality.  One may believe that others are just ‘accessories’ to use and do not deserve commitment just come and go.

When one gets involved in a sexual bond while at the same time remain aloof from any emotional ties reflects an attempt to split body and soul.  They choose to ‘have sex’ rather than to be with a whole-person union with another.

This buys into the fiction that one who lives in this way may believe that they are free to express oneself through the body and independent.

This kind of reality is unspiritual and denies the connectedness of spirit and flesh and also of oneself.

This view of reality causes one to be pessimistic about the possibility of being faithful.  It also gives the viewpoint of the unreliability of the universe.

Hebrew prophets pointed out that God was absolutely faithful through His covenant and commitment to His children.

Since, humans are made in God’s likeness, the we should and could be faithful to one another in a lasting relationship.

This is the reason adultery is tied to idolatry - betraying the covenant God and ‘having an affair’ with another god.  Jeremiah 3.6, Hosea 1.2

Moving from partner to partner displays a fickleness that is a far cry from the steadfast divine love and the dependability of the created world.

When one treats the mystery of sexuality as just a plaything is irreverent in the extreme.

Religious people use dishonesty to reconcile their own unprincipled sexual behavior with their religious doctrines and perceptions of God.

This only intensifies the disorientation and damage to the spirit.


6. Degradation of Love, Life and Lineage


If one cannot respect the power of sex which allows humans to take on a divine creativity, then they will view few things as sacred.

When sex is cheapened, it tends to lead to a tainted view of its extensions such as love, life and lineage.

These traditional components seem optional and are disregarded when inconvenient.

Love has been degraded so in the dating scene that love is hardly mentioned when discussing sex.

This represents an anemic definition of love where fickle feelings are the focus.

Even in today’s society, a child conceived outside of marriage is still viewed as a curse rather than a blessing.

This is evidence that life and lineage is cheapened through nonmarital sex.

Now unwanted pregnancies is seen as an inconvenience to be taken care of with an afternoon abortion appointment like it was a dentist appointment.

When love is trivialized then life and lineage is tied in with disrespect for the gravity of sexual relations further reinforcing a person’s disorientation of spiritually. Not taking sex seriously, removes one from the Heart of God.

Carson Daly stated that this lowers one’s self-esteem and the feeling that one has been used.  One feels self-contempt for being an user.

Then there is the embarrassment being sexually active outside of marriage can place one out of the circle of people who exhibit true integrity.

The uneasiness that comes from concealing one’s activities from family members and others.

Also, Daly speaks about the extreme difficulty of trying to break the vicious cycle of compulsive sexual behavior, and the self-hatred that comes after each sexual bond is broken.  Then the cycle begins all over again when one has to seduce another in order to revive one’s fading self-image.


Harvest of Selfishness

Though selfishness has an intuitive link to conflict and evil, it is the selfish abuse of sexuality that gives it its most virulent power.


Egoism and being absorbed into oneself is the very definition of immaturity.

When an individual grows up and builds character, then these selfish traits tend to fade.  The big question is why do so many people fail to fully grow up to the full human potential?

Why do some grow to such maturity while other have shallow hearts and small minds and are enslaved to bad habits showing immature behavior close to an animal.

Adam and Eve’s abuse of sexual love is the most critical cause of the original disruption of human growth in morals.

People throughout the ages believe that there is evil and self-destructiveness within every human heart.

This flaw pulls human godly nature down, making it impossible for one to grow fully into their God-like maturity impossible.

Anthropologist Richard Heinberg has observed: “People of every culture and age have insisted that . . . human nature is not natural at all because it has been distorted by some fundamental mistake or failure that has been perpetuated from generation to
generation.”


Reverend Moon defines this fundamental problem as descent from a poisoned lineage, a family tree rooted in self-centered love that bears only fruit of self-centered love.

The forbidden fruit was a metaphor for sexual love, which was ‘picked’ when it was immature and unripe.  This fruit was toxic in flesh and within the seed.

The first ancestors’ unprincipled liaison fundamentally disrupted the matrix of family life. 

“Humanity lost the standard of true parents, spouses, siblings and children,” explains Reverend Moon.

Opening the sexual fruit in its immature state which all humanity inherited hinders the capacity for us to give the truest love and blindness to the true reality of the heart and spirit.  Also, it gave rise to the extreme difficulty of the mind to lead the fallen body.

Catholics call this tendency original sin.  Buddhism attributes this enslavement to the senses.  Judaism calls it an evil inclination.

Freud deemed it the sexual instinct - the most unruly side of the root of the unconscious.

This inheritance, revolving around the heart and sexual desire, derailed moral and spiritual development.


Return for Tomorrow’s Post: Relationships Need True Love to Work

This post was rewritten and derived from the religious book, “Educating for True Love” written by a team of writers to explain Reverend Sun Myung Moon’s philosophy on love and marriage.

Sex Before Marriage Disrupts Growth of Heart, Character

When people view sex as just a physical matter, even between consensual partners who agree to just use each other for sex, the levels of harm are deeper.

Harm means one has done wrong and someone has to be held accountable for his or her actions.

No harm means that if one feels distressed after having an uncommitted sexual relationship, then the problem lies within that person, not in the practice.

Those who feel guilt may be thought of as too sensitive or having an conscience that is overactive or the person has a belief in outdated religious values.

No harm means that social fallout can be blamed on socio-economics and no one has to question their personal conduct.

No harm means that one can believe the falsity of sex without consequences.

Reverend Moon speaks about sexual misconduct affects the individual personal development, future pursuit of loving relationship, and upon the next generation.


Effects on the Individual

The emotional, psychological and spiritual harm that is caused through insecure sexual relationships is felt on a semi-conscious level if at all.  This is eclipsed from the pleasure that arises from sexual relations and the belief that one benefits from such an experience.

Unfortunately, the damage of having sex outside of marriage may only been seen years later.

Child psychologist Thomas Lickona relates the story of one woman psychiatrist describes the aftermath of being sexually promiscuous in her college years.

She says, “That sick, used feeling of having given a precious part of myself . . . to so many and for nothing, still aches. I never imagined I’d pay so dearly and for so long.”

These feelings are common.

The Biblical explanation of the union brought through sex is actually bringing two people into ‘one flesh’, even if that was not the partners’ intentions.

Lickona further states that when two people break this bond and go into other relationships, the personality disintegrates and the person feels deeply-seated frustration and a dissatisfaction.

There are many facets of this disintegration on the psychological and level of moral health among young adolescents.


Effects of non-marital sex on the Individual

1. Spiritual and moral growth stunted
2. Character becomes corrupted
3. Guilt, regret and diminished sense of worth
4. Heartbreak and destructive behavior
5. Spiritual disorientation
6. Degradation of love, life and lineage


1. Stunting of Spiritual and Moral Growth


The most central challenge to becoming mature is learning to be unselfish and live for others.

In adolescence, one needs to learn how to discipline their sexual impulses that are awakened, just as they learn about toilet training.

Learning to be unselfish is obviously the central challenge of growing up.

The reason why a person’s development is impeded when they delve into premature physical involvement is because their egos are boosted just to gratify only their own desire - to take rather than give.

A person learns selfishness instead of nurturing their unselfish love and compounds their self-centeredness. Within marriage, sexual intimacy supports the partners’ mutual love and commitment.

Everyone should reach a certain developmental period and sufficient growth within the heart within the child’s realm and sibling ream, a person is not prepared for the potent power of sex.

As Genesis describes it, his or her ’fruit’ of love is not yet ripe for eating.

It is a challenge for to hold one’s sexual desire for just one person for life, especially for the males.  Sarah Hinckley speaks about how sex ruins this:  “a crucial challenge to the man—an essential test of his masculinity— is lost or failed.”

Sleeping Beauty, and other counterparts in other lands, express the moral reality.

A princess has a spell cast on her through the piercing of her skin and drawing blood.  This represents the onset of puberty.

She falls into a deep sleep and is restrained in the forest.  But she is protected until the bravest and most virtuous gentleman, mature in heart and character, overcomes the obstacles to awaken her with a gentle kiss.  He then introduces her to the world of true love forever.

On the other hand, the tale of Snow White tells of the story when a young girl makes a mistake by eating of a poisoned ‘fruit’.  This symbolizes the virgin who fails the test to save herself for maturity.

Fortunately, a pure-hearted prince frees her from the consequence of her mistake.

The scars from sexual intimacy in uncommitted relationships all too often cause lasting emotional desolation and a sense of irretrievable loss. 

This can jade a young person who may become cynical about life clouded by crushed hopes.

Allan Bloom of the University of Chicago lamented how early sexual experience impoverishes the imagination.

Virginal students are still “fresh and naive, excited by the mysteries to which they have not yet been fully initiated,” while those who “have nothing more to learn about the erotic” are “flat-souled . . . unadorned by imagination and devoid of ideals.”

Moreover, when people are involved in sex within insecure relationships, it drains the individuals, especially the youth.

At the time of adolescence they are starving for attention and energy which is needed for their emotional, moral, creative and intellectual growth.

When people are promiscuous or continue to have sex outside of a committed relationship, there is always anxiety over the possible unwanted physical consequences from the union.



2. Character Corruption

The people of Paradise quickly went from innocence to deceit.  This illustrates how unprincipled sex hinders character growth.

People look to others not as holy spiritual beings, but as bodies which they can use to get their own gratification.  They have to practice cunning techniques to try to get another to have sex.

Most sexual liaisons are not like the romantic notion of two lovers drawn naturally into lovemaking, but are the result of one partner seducing the other.

Lust can come to motivate nearly every word or action in regards to others, as one is constantly grooming friends and acquaintances towards a sexual encounter. 

A study showed that this behavior has become acceptable among singles.

Dating singles regard “lying, cheating and dumping each other” as ordinary behavior outside of committed relationships.

A large number of men revealed that they would even hide a deadly infection like AIDS from would-be lovers in order to receive sex.

Even though these same people would never practice such treachery in their business dealings or tolerate others doing this to them, when it comes to physical love, they debase themselves.

There are countless statesmen, clergy and business executives who have a trusted character and leadership who are loosed from their moral standard by the power of sex.

The cheater may not even notice the profound violation of the partner, any children or relatives and friends.

Even though the lies, and blatant cover-ups, silent deceptions and trust is exploited wreak havoc on the cheater’s conscience may not know the depth of how they are using their lover.

Finally, self-deceit must complete the picture in order for the cheater to live with himself.

He will rattle off walls of reasons why he had to partake in such behavior - about how he or she is the victim himself because the other did or did not do this or that.

By trying to hold onto any semblance of integrity, this leads to moral blind spots not just in their love life, but in other areas of their lives.

Tomorrow we will continue the next four effects that having sex before marriage has on a person.  See you then!



Return for Tomorrow's Post: Effects Sex Before Marriage on a Person


This post was rewritten and derived from the religious textbook, "Educating for True Love" written by a team of writers to explain Reverend Sun Myung Moon's philosophy on love and marriage.

5 Myths About Sex Part II

We discussed the two myths of sex in the previous post, part 1 to the 5 Myths About Sex and debunked these wrongful ideas that can cause many immature and young people to indulge in the act with the wrong people and in situations and relationships which are not secure.

Now we continue the talk with the next three myths:


3. Is Sex a Natural Expression of Love?


The third flawed premise of sex is: Sex is a natural expression of love.
It is an instinct for those who indulge in romantic-based love to want to express this love through sex, even in no marital relations.

But, it is natural for true love to want the best for the one a person loves and the relationship.  In true love, one will avoid doing anything that will jeopardize either of these in any way, including refraining from delving into harmful activity.

People who love one another will sacrifice themselves to this end. 

The most authentic expression of love is to wait to pledge pleasurable sex and bonding which can have drawbacks only within the commitment of marriage.

When a man or woman anticipates opening such a precious gift from the one they love, they will be repelled by the idea of receiving something used by a prior lover.

It is not too late for those who have given away their virginity, they can recommit to their current or future loved one through a pledge of celibacy.

Would any woman really be so proud to accept an engagement ring that had been on the finger of five other girlfriends before her?

Most men would not take delight in having photos of their wife’s ex-husband laying around the house.

These expressions are an innate desire for exclusivity.

If people think that sex is a natural expression of love, then they should also believe that they should reserve this gift for one beloved who is special enough to be chosen as a lifetime mate.

Sex within Marriage Honors the Intrinsic Moral Aspects of Sexuality

4. Does Sex Promote Maturity?

The fourth falsehood is: Having sex only in marriage restricts growth and creates sexual inhibitions.

The sexual revolution brought on in the 60s made the idea that parents lived a stifling life confined within the walls of marriage and it was time to break through.

Many people can name a range of sexual experience and many partner as evidence that they have grown and  “exploring the farthest reaches of love and the self.”


Yet lifelong monogamy demands self-honesty and maturity than having an open relationship.  Yet, deeper adventures in loving will be experienced in a secure relationship.

When one invests in another person in such a way where they replenish and sustain a lasting love, is precisely the context that stretches every faculty and promotes the greatest personal growth.

It is too convenient for people to just run to a new partner instead of dealing with the deeper issues that real and enduring intimacy demands.

“It is easy to associate multiple sexual partners with personal change,” writes human potential philosopher George Leonard, but it is “far more likely to be associated with the avoidance of change.”


This may sound like a paradox, but one who continuously run from one relationship to the next before healing what is broken in the one before, will find they repeat the same patterns they experienced in the last relationship they tried to escape.

Physical intimacy within the love and commitment of marriage maintains the fundamental integrity of the body as an expression of the mind. It keeps the outer expression congruent with the deepest heart and conscience.

The body has its own symbolic language: a fist means hostility; a smile signifies good will. 

A misuse of the body’s language for example would be to use a smile to concel malice which would be deceptive.

In this same vein, sex between a couple represent the total union of their hearts, minds and lives.

Therefore, if sex is merely just to experience pleasure or an expression of warm feelings, then this would be considered a false message.

This kind of deceit goes against the moral maturity in a healthy relationship.

Finally, the issue of inhibitions is ironic.

Those who are involved in non-marital sex constantly speak of having performance anxiety, guilt, feeling cheap, fear of being compared to other partners, fear of unwanted pregnancy,  diseases and other experiences that complicate their sexual experience.

On the other hand, research shows that highly religious wives report the greatest number of orgasms.  This is a clear sign of freedom from neurotic inhibitions and guilt found in sex within an unsecure relationship.

Evidence shows that those who were virgins before getting married, had the greatest sexual satisfaction.

These married women have security within their marriage, trust and time to accommodate to their partners.

Those who are religious and waiting for sex within the bonds of marriage, find great meaning and freedom from the guilt that their faith provides.


5. Is Sex Liberating?


The fifth myth is: Having sex only within marriage oppresses women.


Some claim that ideals of purity and fidelity is only a piece of paper that protects men’s property rights over their women.

There is some truth to this exaggeration.  The thought that traditional morality is linked to male exploitation of women can be seen in history.

There has been a double standard for men and sex; chastity has almost universally been enforced for females but not for males.

Even though society says that women should stay pure, boys and men are free to indulge in free sex at the expense of girls and women.

Women pay the price fore any illicit liaisons through having a stigma attached to them or punishments such as having to endure pregnancies without the father.

Even though society view women differently in the context of sex, it is foolish to not follow the protective moral code for sexual ‘freedoms'.  It would be better just to clear this injustice to women.

It is unsafe for women to claim the ‘right’ to enjoy casual sex just to join the sexual ‘freedoms’ of men who exploit their partners and using sex for domination.

The timeless gold standard of sexual ethics—reserving sexual intimacy only for the spouse—recognizes the moral implications of sex and the deeper need for enduring love.

Women choose casual sex to stay equal to the wrongful lower standard for both genders than to succumb to the double standard placed upon women.

This means that women inherit men’s weakness, which separates the body from the true heart, and sex from responsibility and true love.

Despite popular belief, permissive sexual standards has not truly been liberating to women.

Females are now expected to want many sexual partners and males are expected to treat them as such.  Thus, women have denied their natural instinct of self-protection: Women are the ones who pay the heavy burden of the consequences of having sex outside a secure relationship.

Unwanted babies, and abortions and other liabilities plague only the women.  Even with the responsibility of contraception is placed mainly with the female.

Despite women being sexually independent and self-sufficient, they are still expected to still be feminine, soft, yielding and undemanding at the same time.

Because of this, women have to suppress their inclinations to be monogamous.  Research shows that even women who have sex outside of marriage, they desire less partners than their male counterparts.

It is almost universally the women partners who end up in the awkward position of trying to negotiate commitment in a sex-only relationship.

What is worse, that women play the part of wives by living together with a man.  They offer domestic services and sex without any emotional and material security which marriage provides.

Many women sadly play house with many partners and find out too late that time causes them to miss the experience of real marriage and motherhood.

After a certain age, finding a committed partnership becomes a more elusive goal for women while male peers often find younger, attractive women who are ready to marry them.

In addition, after age 28 or so, female fertility begins to decline rapidly.31 This is not the case for men.

In conclusion, these are the top myths about sex outside of a committed relationship is not freeing which have degraded not only many marriages, but also has brought society to a lower standard of love.

Photos courtesy of: freedigitalphotos.net


Return for Tomorrow’s Post: Sex Before Marriage Disrupts Growth of Heart, Character

This post was rewritten and derived from the religious textbook ‘Educating for True Love’ written by a team of writers explaining the philosophy of Reverend Sun Myung Moon.

7 Days of Holy Sex - Day 7 - Immature Sex

We temporarily come to the end of our excursion of love through discussion of the myths of sexual need, the pluses to waiting for marriage.  We also discussed the idea that misguided sex brought about the opposite world of peace and to begin the notion of World Peace can be brought through the practice of sex within marriage only.


So what is immature sex? Is this just sex between two unmarried teenagers or can this also define two adult partners as well?  We recognize a commonality in our society that sex is initiated between partners who have not fully matured and is outside of a bond of marriage.  Sharing this bond before its time in marriage has brought about heartbreak, loss and confusion much more than the human mind can fathom.  Sadly, many are blinded to these consequences before indulging in sex without commitment.

Sexual love has psychological, emotional, moral and spiritual, relational, social and lineal ramifications.  When it is used just only for pleasure it is reduced to a physical activity like eating or sleeping.  There are of course the announced risks of sex outside of marriage such as unwanted pregnancy and diseases which both have been mitigated by technology.

Thus, the real costs of sexual relations apart from the original moral standard—on the personal and social level, not even to consider its impact on God and posterity—are largely overlooked.



Premature Sex Disrupts the Development of Heart and Character

So, what is sexual immaturity if it does not have to do with the ages of either partner?  When we as a society look at sex as basically a physical matter or animal instinct, it causes a deeper level of harm.  No harm means that there has been no wrong and no one is held accountable.  

Between two consenting adults, if one feels distressed in an uncommitted sexual liaison, then the problem lies in that person and is viewed as being too sensitive or overreacting to conscience and outdated religious values and discount this to the sexual act outside of commitment.

No harm means that the social fallout can be blamed on socio-economics and no one has to question their personal conduct. No harm means the fiction of sex without consequences can be maintained.

Sexual misconduct has consequences on the intangible level.  These negative consequences of a nonmarital sexual expression effects the individual and personal development when in pursuit of a loving relationship and upon the next generation.


If there is so much to lose in such an misguided expression of love, why do we continue to do so?  Well, this emotional, psychological and spiritual harm felt within sex in insecure relationships are sometimes not even felt or they are ignored in exchange for the pleasure and belief in the supposed benefits of the experience.  It is only after the damage is done, which can show up years later, do one often see the cost of the noncommitted union.

Child psychologist Thomas Lickona relates the story of one woman psychiatrist describing the aftermath of her promiscuous college years. She says, “That sick, used feeling of having given a precious part of myself . . . to so many and for nothing, still aches. I never imagined I’d pay so dearly and for so long.”

These feelings are not uncommon.  Even the Bible claims that a sexual union is a bonding of two becoming 'one flesh' no matter the partners' intentions.  When the couple break their bond, it leaves a deep-seated frustration and dissatisfaction causing the disintegration in the personality.

There are many facets of this disintegration of psychological and moral health, especially among adolescents and young adults.  Rebellious teens may have exhibited these characteristics as well as adults.


Effects on the Individual

1. Stunting of spiritual and moral growth
2. Character corruption
3. Guilt, regret and diminished sense of worth
4. Heartbreak and destructive behavior
5. Spiritual disorientation
6. Degradation of love, life and lineage


1. Stunting of Spiritual and Moral Growth


Society has schools that teach the fundamentals of history and science but lack the way to teach unselfishness which is  the central opposition to maturation.  In adolescence the sexual impulse is being awakened and needs discipline just as toilet training is a milestone in every child's life.

When one in involved physically in an insecure relationship, it tends to impede development and compounds self-centeredness rather than fostering the learning of unselfish love.  Sexual intimacy practiced only within marriage supports and reinforces the partners' mutual love and commitment.

  But when physical intimacy is practiced among singles, it is mainly used to boost the partners' egos and satisfy themselves by taking rather than to give to their partner.

No one is prepared for the potent power of sex until the developmental period is complete and a child has grown to maturity and has lived in the sibling's realm of heart.  We can take God's words in Genesis of the fruit was not to be eaten until the right time of maturity or the "fruit" of love was not yet ripe yet.  Having sex before full mental maturity is the same as harvesting unripened or rotten fruit.


Challenges of Chasity and Monogamy

This moral and psychological reality has been expressed in traditional stories, such as the European tale of Sleeping Beauty, which has counterparts in other lands.

Giving today's climate of do whatever you want makes it especially hard for males to focus their sexual desires for only one person for life moral and spiritual maturity.  Premarital sex ruins this.

"A crucial challenge to the man-an essential test of his masculinity-is lost or failed," Sarah Hinckley.


We all know that fairy tales originated with a much darker content and were to teach children a valuable lesson about the world and as warnings about darkness lurking around the corners.  A magic spell is placed on a princess of the kingdom which pierces the skin and draws blood...this represents the onset of puberty.

She falls into a deep sleep and she is restrained, but yet protected until the braves and the most virtuous young man that overcomes obstacles and whose heart and character is mature.  He awakens her with a kiss and then he introduces her to the world of true conjugal love.

In fairy tales there was only one prince before marriage simultaneously teaching the virtue of waiting for one not having many before marriage.  That he was the one to have the 'key' to her love.  Looking at princess fables in this light, we can say that Snow White was the opposite of this fable and represents failing the test in love.

Adam and Eve were told not to eat of the fruit which represented the sexual organs.  Virginal Snow White living with 7 men succumbs to the temptation of the fruit.  Fortunately a pure prince comes and saves her.

There lasting emotional scars from sexual intimacy in uncommitted relationships.  The damage can be lasting desolation and this sense of a loss.  Experiencing this kind of loss, a young person can become jaded and cynical about his outlook on life crushing any hopes of a bright future in love.

Allan Bloom of the University of Chicago lamented how early sexual experience impoverishes the imagination. Virginal students are still “fresh and naive, excited by the mysteries to which they have not yet been fully initiated,” while those who “have nothing more to learn about the erotic” are “flat-souled . . . unadorned by imagination and devoid of ideals.”

Moreover, sex in insecure relationships drains individuals, especially the young of the attention and energy needed for emotional, moral, creative and intellectual growth. At the very least, anxiety over possible unwanted physical consequences can be an ongoing distraction.



2. Character Corruption

That the residents of Paradise could so quickly turn from innocent transparency to duplicity and deceit illustrates that, worse than hindering character growth, unprincipled sex is a notoriously corrupting influence.

As a society that focuses on the use of sex for physical pleasure and recreation only we see that people are looking at others as bodies to be used for sexual gratification and not as spiritual high beings as we have been created to be.

We have movies that pain a picture of infatuated lovers who spontaneously drawn into lovemaking when in reality most sexual encounters are due to one partner deliberately seducing the other.

A study showed that sense such behaviors are prevalent in the dating world, that 'lying, cheating, and dumping each other' is now seen as normal behavior outside a committed relationship. When one is grooming someone towards a sexual encounter, this lust can motivate every word or action toward them.

These same people who use tricks to gain sexual partners would probably not practice this treachery in other pats of their business and daily life nor would they tolerate such behavior from others.  Yet, when it comes to the need for physical love, they debase themselves in this way.

How many religious leaders, political leaders, executives and celebrities that exuded a bright character and leadership ability fall and stumble into this type of behavior in their after hours even some were married.  This is due the power of sex not being connected to any ethical moorings.

When it comes to a partner having sexual intimacy outside the marriage there are several cover-ups, deceptions, confessions hidden and the exploitation of trust and violation of promises.  The one the who was cheated on, all of these plays with their conscience.  The cheater barely notices the consequences bared on the children and their partner.

This is through them rationalizing their behavior and ignoring heir conscience and theorize that they are the victims themselves just to retain some semblance of integrity.  This kind of conscience killing will leak dangerously into the moral blind spots in other areas of the cheater's life.



3. Guilt, Regret and Diminished Sense of Worth

Sense we realize that the mistake of the fall of Adam and Eve was the misuse of their sexual organs before the time of maturity we can see why they were exhibiting shame in front of God.  Before they were naked and unashamed afterward they hid their sexual parts.  The misdirecting of love commonly yields to harvest of guilt and loss of self-respect.

Even if one is not conscious of the loss for a time, eventually a person who loosely uses their sexual organs for pleasure, love or security will feel degraded.  Many sexually active American teenagers express their regret over losing their virginity when they did.

Also with this guilt and loss, is the shame over violating the mores of their parents and faith community.

Also sex outside a marriage has its own brand of guilt-ridden hell.  When the one who had the indiscretion wakes up to the totality of what they have done they may feel the guilt compared to that of having killed someone while driving.  Self-forgiveness then can be a challenge.

Further, making sexual attractiveness and sexual prowess an important basis for romantic connections amplifies the tendency to judge people on what they do and how they look rather than on who they are.

Thus anxiety is built into insecure relationships:

“Do I still look good enough, perform well enough, please you enough?” When sexual utility instead of one’s whole self is the criteria for attention, there is always the realistic fear that someone else will be more attractive or perform better.

Adultery has more ramifications than perceived on the onset which makes it particularly more tragic.  It brings insecurity into the marriage bed which is supposed to be the one sacred safe place for a couple. It results in undermining one's belief that the spouse is viewed as lovable, unique and irreplaceable.

Jennifer, 30, explains her experience: “The acceptance, even encouragement of premarital sex makes it very difficult to sustain the fantasy that we are the sole object of love.”

The one who is the victim of infidelity will feel like trash and experience lowered self-esteem which leads to them further involving into sexual involvements to prove their desirability which only furthers the feelings of loss and self-respect.  This becomes a vicious cycle of one finding validation through sex, not being able to attain that, and then one's desperate need.


4. Heartbreak and Destructive Behavior

All infatuations or romantic involvements of some duration are painful when they break up. 

When sex is introduced, the emotional ties as well as expectations are intensified. Studies have highlighted the role of certain brain chemicals in sexual bonding.

When we look at God's point-of-view, He meant for sex to be introduced in a committed and loving marriage and thus creates a powerful glue that has no way to easily release its grip.  Hearts that have bonded through sex, even in a casual encounter, will likely only disengage by being torn in some way.  Many have experienced that feeling during a break-up situation as if their soul was being torn in half. For some, the trauma can resemble divorce.

People deal with this pain in different ways.  Some will deny the pain and numb it through drugs and alcohol.  Both men and women will soon admit that they are afraid of getting hurt like this again and will close off their hearts, yet they will still yield their bodies just for the momentary comfort of sex.

This explains the peculiar indifference that characterizes sexual activity even among the young, what one commentator called “oddly disengaged—emotionally cool while physically hot.”

This heartbreak, compounded with the sense of having given themselves so completely for so little return—not to mention the fallout of a pregnancy, abortion or sexually transmitted infection— can help drive young men and women to the brink of despair on their outlook of love relations.

The same period that teenage sexual activity rose was the same time teenage suicide tripled over the last 30 years in the US.  Statistics show that girls who have had sex in before maturity were six times more prone than virgins.

They and their male peers are also much more likely to be involved in other self-destructive activities: Running away from home, using drugs and getting arrested, to name a few.

Finally, one will sense an emotional explosion after a sexual betrayal of extreme rage, leading to violence against former lovers, stalking, assault, even homicide.  Many people live in fear of retaliation by an ex-partner.


5. Spiritual Disorientation 

Uncommitted sex encourages a distorted spiritual outlook whether or not one belongs to an organized religion. It does this in several ways.

First, uncommitted sex reflects a belief in the supremacy of the individual ego. 

It creates an illusion that the ego is the ultimate reality and other people are 'accessories' who will come and go and don't deserve commitment.  They will use several sex partners for gratification and perceived 'growth'.

When one remains aloof from emotional involvement when entering an emotional sexual bond it splits the body and soul.  It tries to show an independent self free to express itself through the body. To 'have' sex rather than be in a whole-person union with another.

When one tries to deny the connection of spirit and flesh of oneself in a sexual union, the partner and the community becomes unspiritual.

Secondly, when one delves into sex without commitment, it displays pessimism about the humanity's ability to remain faithful to one person and then in turn they believe in the capriciousness and unreliability of the universe.  Hebrew prophets would teach points that as we are made in God's likeness that in exhibiting absolute faithfulness to God we should practice absolute faithfulness to each other as couples.

This is why they tied adultery to idolatry, betraying the covenant with God and “having an affair” with another god Jeremiah 36, Hosea 1:2.

When we as a people have several sexual partners, this is far from the divine love and dependability of God's created world.

Third, treating the profound deep mystery of sexuality as a plaything is irreverent in the extreme.

All this is not to discuss the fundamentally dishonest maneuvers religious people go through to reconcile their unprincipled sexual behavior with their professed doctrines and perceptions of God. This only intensifies the spiritual disorientation and damage.



6. Degradation of Love, Life and Lineage 

When we devalue and disrespect sex which permits humans to take on a divine creativity then few other things in life remain sacred.  When we cheapen sexuality it tends to extend a tainted view of other areas - love, life and lineage.

In our contemporary dating and mating culture we realize that love is rarely even mention when discussing sex.  The closest that comes to this kind of talk is the fickle feelings one feels instead of will and ideals.  This is even lost to even those who profess the belief that love is what makes a physical union legitimate.

The cheapening of life and lineage is evident in the fact that outside of marriage, the conception of a child is more likely to be viewed as a curse rather than a blessing. 

The the harshest worse of sexual 'love' without commitment is it is seen as an inconvenience to be dispatched by an afternoon abortion making an appointment as if it was a routine dentist visit.  When we trivialize love, life and lineage is coupled with disrespect for the gravity of sexual relations.

When one views sexual consequences nonchalantly it separates one from their spiritual connection and takes them further away from the Heart of God.

The mental and emotional impact of uncommitted sexual intimacy is summarized well by counselor  Carson Daly:

The lowered self-esteem; the despairing sense of having been used; the self-contempt for being a user; the embarrassment of having a reputation that puts you outside the circle of people with true integrity; the unease about having to lie or at least having to conceal one’s activities from family members and others; the extreme difficulty of breaking the vicious cycle of compulsive sexual behavior; and the self-hatred of seeking, after each break-up, someone else to seduce in order to revive one’s fading self-image.


Photos courtesy of : freedigitalphotos.net

Return for Tomorrow's Post: Man and Woman Created for Each Other

This text was rewritten and derived from the Textbook: True Love, Chapter "The Meaning of Sexuality".

Before and After the Marriage Ceremony

Welcome to another week of inspiring words based on the Divine Principle written by Dr. Rev. Sun Myung Moon.  We'll continue the topic of marriage and ideal couples centered on God.  In the Unification Church, members are taught the principles of the Bible from God's point of view and how He had planned a world of peace starting with the first family of Adam and Eve. 

Once members align themselves to these principles on the individual level, they are ready for what is called the Blessing Ceremony.  This ceremony is the matching of two people who most likely never met before.  It is different from any minister giving two people in marriage.  Unification Church members believe Father Moon is the Messiah who God uses to give marriage DIRECTLY.  Through this, the couple is engrafted to God's direct and pure blood lineage and pass it to their children who are then born without the ORIGINAL sin connected to Satan's blood lineage.  Father Moon believes through the restoration of family through intercultural and interracial marriages, world peace can gradually be achieved. 

This movement is worldwide with millions of members all over the world. The following is a speech he gives about love and the blessing:


"Have you ever thought about why I give such long sermons? I have a dramatic answer: because I hate to leave you. I enjoy every minute of my time with you. I study each of you, looking at your features, observing your reactions, inspecting your eyes, nose and mouth. I think about what kind of person would be your ideal mate. That is why the matchings (arranged marriage Blessing) go so fast: I have already done my homework!

I'm not talking this way just to be charming. I mean it. A godly person should be fond of other people. Godly people should love and enjoy their fellow men. Whether you go east or west, north or south, whether it is day or night, it makes no difference.

You must enjoy people. That is why people feel so drawn to me. If Africans were told not to come here, they would feel very sorrowful. They would try the front door, back door and side door and find some way of entering.

Why?

Because they would be attracted to the person who loves and cares most deeply for Africa. That is the result of my ideology. I want to meet everybody and establish bonds with them. I want to love all Americans; I love America more than the Americans do.

Young people are most sensitive to the magnetic power of love.

Even before I came to the United States, I knew that young people would be attracted to me, and my prediction was absolutely correct. You are young people, aren't you? Actually, what I am saying is simply that young people have purer minds than older people. Young people are more attracted to true love.


Yearning for People

Have you also been longing for other people? Have you been missing others, yearning to care for them?

Throughout my entire life, my job has been to love people and pray for them. I find that my prayers are answered; my prayers become reality.

Whenever I meet someone, I enjoy being with him or her; I can entertain, care for and love that person. When people are in love, there are no strange feelings between them. It makes no difference what habits they may have. It makes no difference whether they eat kimchee and kocheejang, or cheese and butter. There are no barriers between lovers. Their union is the beautiful culmination of love. Nothing else is more important.

A perfect plus is like a dynamo; it always creates a perfect minus. It happens automatically, without effort. Wherever a perfect plus is found, a perfect minus appears. If you are a perfect plus, you can sit in the middle of a village doing nothing, and the villagers will come to you automatically.

People are always drawn to me. Do you feel the same way about me? If I touch your hand, do you feel bad or good? How do you men feel? How do you women feel?

Many members think that if they could only shake hands with me once, their heaven would be guaranteed. But they haven't had the chance yet. My handshake is very expensive! I seldom shake anybody's hand, but still people follow me. 

Love Opens Every Door

Imagine someone who has just met a woman for whom he feels a tremendous attraction. Perhaps the two have just recently fallen in love. But then that man meets the Unification Church and he completely forsakes his lover.

Then he begins to yearn day and night, even weeping with longing to meet Reverend Moon. Only love can explain this. Only God's love can work this kind of magic. Love opens every door, including the door to the Kingdom of Heaven.

Such a person may come to where I am staying and I may yell at him, "Get out of here! Why are you sticking around?" But actually, if he loves me so much, I am already living with him in spirit. I will always remain with him.

At night, such a person doesn't have to worry about walking down a dark road, because I will take his hand and lead him. He could even close his eyes while walking down an alley, and I could tell him to step down and he would automatically do it. If I told him to step up, turn left or turn right, he would do so without even opening his eyes. That is how love works.

Physically, I have only one body; I am physically limited. Spiritually, however, I can be a million persons; such a thing is possible spiritually. I am known as a mysterious person, someone with mystical qualities, but actually it is not unusual.

Many, many times throughout the years and decades of my life, I have shed tears out of longing for God. When I cried out for God, missing Him, aching for Him, the entire spirit world would open up to me.

You should long for me just as much as I long for God. Actually, people in the Unification Church who don't long for me, who don't miss me, who have no tearful desire for me are not really members of the Unification Church. When you do reach that level of longing, you can immediately achieve unity, and the entire spirit world will open up to you.

Lawful, Public Love
My concept is that we should be people of deep longings; we should enjoy every minute we spend with someone. When we care about others, we have no dull moments. Meeting others is the proper job for people of God. That is what my life is all about. I am an expert at meeting others.

Someone who comes to meet me at East Garden for the first time may plan to stay only half an hour, but he discovers it isn't so easy to leave. I never tell anyone not to go, but people just don't want to get up and leave. This is a result of the power of love that draws people to me.

People are supposed to long for and miss one another. If love depended on appearances, an ugly person would have a burdensome life. Therefore, God, who is the king of wisdom and justice, designed us to be lovers. When you are in love, nothing matters; ugliness is no concern; you can accept everything.

However, there is one important principle in matters of love. It should be a lawful, public love; that means unselfish love. True love is definitely public love. Through true love you can gain everything, even the spirit world. Since you cannot go alone to the spirit world, you need to go with your beloved. Therefore, a truly loving person can open up the spirit world.

Those of you who are engaged, raise your hands. Your engagement is unique. Many of you were engaged to a stranger. But even so, when you first looked at that stranger, you didn't hate him or her, did you? After looking at the stranger, you didn't want to go anywhere else.

That is the spirit I live by at East Garden. I cherish everyone who comes to sit with me, considering each as my beloved."SMM


Return for tomorrow's Post: God Brings Union Between Man and Woman

This text was rewritten a taken from the Textbook: True Love Volume One, The Restoration of Love written by Dr. Rev. Sun Myung Moon, the founder of the Unification Church.

Original Relationship of Husband, Wife in Perfect World

If you are from America, you heard of the books, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" and "How to Think Like a Man".  Hilarious in matter, serious in content.  Men and women are completely different from the way they think to how they even interact with others.

Why would God create two polar opposite individuals who would someday co-habitate?

"One man and one woman are the substantial object of the invisible God, His son and His daughter. Man represents God's masculine (+) nature and woman represents God's feminine (-) nature. God -- the harmonized body of the dual characteristics -- is divided into two entities formed separately, and these separate bodies are to be united again to resemble God. "

This is the principle of creation.

When a man and a woman unite, they represent the original unity of God's plus nature and minus nature.  They resemble God's harmonious body, and the husband and wife symbolize the whole of God.

A man who exhibits God's characteristics is True Father's incarnation and the woman is True Mother's incarnation respectively becoming representatives of God.  You see a similar representation of this of a husband who is the reverend and the wife supports him centered on God's will taking care of the people with whom God entrusted them.  Therefore, when a couple such as this becomes one in love they are embracing the entire universe as God.  They become the central point of the entire cosmos.

We must change our thinking when we are entering marriage.  Many marriages are just one-sided as a couple sees one another as a husband and wife.  In the original principle of creation, God created Adam and Eve to relate on the sister and brother level first. 

You can see this as the friend level or the 'getting to know you' level.  Instead, they immediately entered into a sexual relationship without the foundation of relating as brothers and sisters under God.

Husband and wife represent more than man and woman relationship:

"A husband represents all men, so he is father and older and younger brother as well as husband; a wife represents all women, so she is mother and older and younger sister as well as wife. That's why husband and wife should naturally respect each other."

Man is God's positive external form and woman is God's negative external form, so a couple is like a bag which has inside it the whole universe. Therefore, a husband and wife can feel the ideal of God's heart of love.

Man symbolizes heaven and woman symbolizes earth. They are to unite and form parallel lines.

The perfection of man and woman's love is the perfection of the universe. When this love is broken, the order of the universe and the vertical world are destroyed.  The world's situation all began with the corruption of love between a man and a woman who began a family that grew into a society, nation and world.  If you look back at all great stories of kings, you will see that their major downfall was the corrupted love for a woman.  You see also in the religious community, many high power men of faith lose their congregation's trust for the moment of lustfulness for a woman.



The Union of Man and Woman Equals Union of Heaven and Earth

You may hear or know of a man who says of his wife, "She is my whole world." Being in love gives the sense of ownership of the entire universe when you are completely united with your spouse centered on the love of God.

When a man and woman such as this embrace, it is the union of the whole universe itself.  This interaction of husband and wife will resemble the appearance of the original creation in which God intended to be His ideal.

After Adam and Eve had a sexual relationship without God's authority, they were cursed:

The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and Eve and clothed them.  And the Lord God said among the angels, "The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil.  He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever." So the Lord God banished him from the Garden of Eden to work the ground from which he had been created.

Genesis 3:21-23

Does this sound like the end of the fairy tale of a life lived in heaven on earth which God had envisioned before creation?

Adam's original purpose of creation was to unite with God, and his desire was to control the entire cosmos.  Adam also cherished the value of husband and wife.  This desire represented the central value of the world which God created.  In today's evil society, do we see true love occupying couples as the central position? 

No.

People only value selfish desires and having immediate gratification in a relationship and moving to the next without investing heart or true love.  You should know the utmost value and holiness of the original love of a man and woman and should not follow the current trend of love which leads to destruction of the sanctity of marriage.


The Ideal Of The True Husband And Wife, Which Must Be Restored

When a man and woman decide they will be united in marriage, they should know that it is not just a union of two diverse backgrounds, but that they are also restoring the types of loves in the Garden of Eden which God lost.  The son and daughter position, the brother and sister position, parent and child and the husband and wife position.

When a woman enters marriage, she should view her husband as God's son and representative.  The current situation is that the roles of husband and wife have shifted.

The woman is in the position of a daughter to her husband and the husband should restore her as God's lost daughter.  Through his love for his wife centered on God's will, he should restore the lost daughter's position.

This can explain that the first four or seven years of marriage is so difficult.  If people realize that they are restoring an entire history of lost relationships whenever they relate upon each other, they will be more able to stay the original course when difficulties arise.

Therefore the wife should trust her husband more than she does her father. This is what the bible refers to that the man must leave his mother and father and join to his wife.  They have to face each other centering on this standard, which is much more valuable than the sum of their past experiences. Unless they restore this heartistic standard, husband and wife cannot restore the standard of the ideal object, which was destroyed by Satan.


Husband and Wife Relation

Everyone was born into a family whether later on they separate or not, each person was born from the sexual relationship of a man and woman.  We each learn about love and how to raise a family from our own family, even if this family is broken.

In that case, a husband should treat his wife as his mother, and become so intimate that they cannot bear to stay from one another for even a day.  Their existence is absolutely needed by the other.  If a man and woman do not have a relationship such as this, they do not have a condition to restore the three loves of daughter/son, sister/brother and husband/wife which they would pass this to their family.

God's original plan was that you and I would center our relationship of the opposite sex on Him by first becoming perfect, our other half would become perfected and we would enter the union of marriage with God as our center.

The original ideal wife is the incarnation of the mother, the representation of the mother's body for her husband.  This is why women see their husband's 'immaturity' at times, because the original position of wife is also as the mother to her husband to help raise and restore this position. 

The wife is also to be the physical encapsulation of an older sister and of a younger sister representing all women of the earth in front of her husband.  Then a man loves his wife to this full extension of the mother, older and younger sister on the level of all humanity.

Likewise, a husband is the father's incarnation for his wife. He is also the physical encapsulation of her older brother and younger brother. We must accomplish this ideal of the family. A man is True Father's incarnation and a woman is True Mother's incarnation. Therefore, neglecting one's wife is like neglecting True Mother, and deceiving one's husband is the same as deceiving heaven.

A wife should consider her husband as her father and grandfather and then as her older brother and younger brother.

A husband is to raise up his wife as his younger sister, to love her as his bride and to serve her as his mother. He is to love his wife in the order of younger sister, older sister, bride, and mother. By going through this course, we can restore the love that God lost due to the fall.

"Why Do We Marry? We marry to discipline ourselves to love the world and to qualify ourselves to love humankind."

When we married centered on God, we receive the Blessing for the sake of God and the world.   How do we love the world through the unity of our spouse?  Our spouse represents the world, so when we love our spouse we love the world.

 A woman should love her husband who is in place of her father, older brother, and younger brother, and a man is to love his wife in place of his mother, older sister and younger sister.  A husband and wife who give stimulating love and respect one another who represent all four generations is an ideal couple.  This relationship is the basic foundation to give and receive in worldwide love.

Now knowing the original standard of love in a family, we see how the world fell apart from the very first generation born into the Garden of Eden.  There, the husband and wife were not united centered on God and the first brothers encountered conflict and murder. And we are here spreading this foundation for thousands of years.

The husband and wife relationship is the basic unit to give and receive worldwide love. Because Jesus couldn't set up this basic condition, the Marriage of the Lamb, bringing together a bride and a bridegroom representing the world, should be held this time.

Standard of Marriage


Many women complain that their husbands are immature, but after seeing God's original ideal for a husband and wife, we see that a husband was to think of his wife as his mother.  Rev. Moon told the men in his congregation,

"Unless you are determined you have to be the baby. Be a baby! It is not bad to be a baby. A woman likes a man playing on affections. Try it if she likes! Try crying over food like a baby. Don't worry. God won't scold you for your immature behavior. It is inevitable in the course of restoration. to restore the lost love of woman, you cannot restore the original family standard."

God has not had the experience of true parental love, conjugal love and children's love with one person; this results in His resentment and heartache, which must be restored. When those three kinds of love are induced through one person, the heartistic Kingdom of Heaven can be restored. Ultimately, the only problem is love.

Centered on a bride and bridegroom, they can begin a whole new history and restore the past mistakes of their ancestors.  The couple stands in a position centered on God and can judge the past history and reverse these misdeeds through their interactions between one another.  Uniting with God, they can begin a new history and become new ancestors not connected to the past mistakes.

When a bride and a bridegroom individually are restored through indemnity and become a husband and a wife representing heaven and earth, God will acknowledge them, saying, "You are the flesh of my flesh, the most dutiful son and the most loyal subject." Then they are qualified to represent all the nations of the world.

It is not easy to be a husband or a wife. Do you know how difficult it is for God to find an ideal object on this earth? After losing His sons and daughters, God has been establishing religions at the cost of great sacrifice through the course of history.

Dare you fight with each other after receiving such valuable love? It is easier to be the president of one nation than to be a husband or a wife of one family. The husband is the substantial God on earth. Man is the substantial representative of heaven and woman is the substantial representative of earth. When they are harmonized, the ideal is accomplished, filled with joy and song.

Knowing how long God has suffered to create a foundation based on a couple to restore the lost history of His ideal, can a husband and wife fight after receiving such valuable love? 

It is easier to be president of the world than to be a husband and wife of one family.  The husband represents the physical being of God and heaven and woman is the substantial representative of earth.  When they harmonize the ideal of God's original purpose is accomplished and He is filled with joy.

"The power of love is limitless, so when you are intoxicated with God's love, you are in God's dominion."

God wants to establish a family which is objective to God and which is qualified to receive His love, so you shouldn't fight. It is not that the husband is not responsible for his wife's mistakes or that the husband can stand righteously while a wife does something evil. You should serve your spouse as God, more than you serve anybody else in the nation or world.

A woman becomes God's object when she is happy to see her husband as she is to see the president.  As God's object of love you have the same value as God, and when you completely love God your love can penetrate through any barrier and anywhere on earth.  When you pass onto the spirit world with such love, you will be one with God.

True love can unite all the creation.

Your husband is sent by God, the Lord and the King. He carries God's bundle of love, so you cannot deny such a precious guest, whether he is handsome or not. Without this understanding, you are not qualified to get married.

"There is no boundary in love."

The whole universe will embrace in the realm of your love when you relate to the four directions with your love.  You love subjects as  if they are your King, humankind as the Lord and the universe as God.  When you love based on this standard, this enables you to go to the Kingdom of Heaven which is the place where those who love humankind with the same love as their own spouses or their Lord can go.  Love Humankind as your own brothers, sisters and mother and father.  When you see an elderly man in the streets and you see them as your own grandparents and treat them as such, this brings Heaven on Earth. 

Man is in the subject position and does not like it when anyone intervenes with his affairs.  But true love and truth can control anybody.  Woman likes and wants to receive love and becomes passive in this situation.  From this viewpoint, man is to be the giver and woman is the receiver.  This is why the oneness of man and woman is also the oneness of heaven and earth. 

"Only love can dominate the universe." 

Since your only obtain true love from your spouse, when you consider this, your spouse's value is greater than the universe.  We all desire to have an object who can receive and cherish us.

You are to love people.

The husband represents all men to his wife and is the representative of all the men of the nation, the world and the spirit world.  Also, the wife is the representative of all the women in the nation, world and spirit world.

In the process of building the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth, the man should relate and love all the women of the world as he loves his wife.  A man should think that he chose his wife as the companion who represents all the women of the world and the women should think the same of her husband.

What do you have to love first in order to love your nation?

Before a man can love his nation, he must be able to love one woman as the representative of all women in the nation, and the same is true for women.  When these two representatives become one through a holy marriage and begin a family, that family belongs to heaven.  This is the beginning of establishing Heaven on Earth and in Heaven.


Return for Tomorrow's Post: Role of Husband and Wife

Textbook: Blessing and Ideal Family, The True Husband and Wife

Why Arranged Marriages Work

The movie below is an endearing movie about an arranged marriage during World War II that is realistic.  It gives an example of how two strangers who are committed to one another can fall in love after marriage. The interview that follows was featured on the Unification website recently because the teachings which this blog is based on supports arranged marriages.  I have personally known hundreds of individuals who have arranged marrriages that are American and live in America and have lasted over 20 to 30 years.  What I found personally is that when two people, even with different backgrounds, have the same goals, values and wants for the future, they will sacrfice their selfish needs for the whole - their family.  Unification Thought and the Divine Principle which is discussed throughout this blog teaches that individuals should live for the family and family lives for the sake of the society and society for the nation which will lead to world peace.  Instead, humanity chose to live for its own sake and chose their own brides and the world went in the opposite direction.  An arranged marriage is the ultimate sacrifice for an individual's next step, as it is solely done for the sake of their future family.  How many of us have made the wrong choices in relationships and keep going to another.  Wouldn't it be nice if we could take a step back from what an individual places in front of us as great and see all sides of this person, and put on the table what they bring to the relationship beyond good looks?  Who does that - who has the time to evaluate someone before they delve into a deep relationship or even marriage?  With divorce so easily accepted, we have gone from a society that lives for their children to people who will try someone out and divorce if it doesn't go the way they thought.  What does this have to do with world peace?  World peace starts with one person who learns love through family interactions.  The world is not made up of land, the society isn't made up of buildings, it is made up of people.  Families.  Just look at the beginning.  The whole world came to ruin by the very first parents and sons on earth.  There was infidelity and murder in the first of God's children set on earth.  To turn it around, God needs families to live for one another beyond selfish interest of a spouse that looks good.  The following interview gives insight into why more Americans are deciding to take this route through their religions and new traditions such as the Unification Church and the Mormons. It speaks about the science of love and how love can happen after marriage to create a strong bond.  Also, the studies conducted on love marriages and arranged marriages and how love grew or faded over time.

Dr. Robert Epstein Jack LaValley LaValley: Welcome, Dr. Epstein. I was very inspired to learn that you were exploring ways in which love can arise outside of romantic relationships, with which westerners are mostly involved. I myself was involved in an arranged marriage, and I happen to believe that the principles and insights within the culture of arranged marriages can make a significant contribution to people who want to be successful in their relationships. So, when I found your research about arranged marriages combined with your behavioral studies, studying how people can learn how to love, I felt the call to reach out to you and have an opportunity to learn from your research, which could really help people at this time. I want to start with the “science” part. Through the research that you’ve done, you say that science can help us fall in love. Could you tell us what you mean by that? Dr. Epstein: I mean two different things. As a scientist, I have been studying how love arises in arranged marriages, and I’ve been trying to figure out how that happens. It doesn’t happen in every arranged marriage, but it happens. Sometimes people are very conscious of wanting to build love over time. In Indian culture for example, they say, “First comes marriage, then comes love.” So, there is a consciousness there that it is possible to build love. I’ve been studying this by interviewing people in arranged marriages, having them fill out certain forms and analyzing the data. The other part is that for decades western researchers have been studying processes in which emotional bonds are created. In the laboratory, you can actually get two total strangers to suddenly like each other or even love each other in just a few minutes by putting them through various exercises. We don’t have to leave our love lives entirely to chance. We can do A and B all the way up to Z and be very deliberate about building love in our relationships. There’s a huge advantage to figuring this out, because this means that there’s a possibility for us in the West, for the first time in hundreds of years, to actually get together with someone who’s suitable for us and build love over time with that person. LaValley: I’m sure everybody wants to make the right choice and have it work out the first time. You said that in various exercises and activities people were able to experience feelings of love. Could you give us a couple examples of what happened and how that manifested? Dr. Epstein: I did a course a few years ago at the University of California in San Diego that was on this topic, and I thought it would be fun for the students to see how this process of deliberately building love works. So, I would bring people up to the front of the room in pairs or I would ask people in the audience to turn to their neighbor and do the exercises. In every exercise I asked the students, “On a scale of one to ten, how much do you like this person, how much do you love this person, how much are you attracted to this person, how close do you feel to this person?” We’d get the numbers before we’d do the exercise, then after the exercise. The results were just spectacular. The simplest exercise of all, I called “soul-gazing.” You simply look very deeply into the person’s eyes and you try to look past the flesh, deep into the person’s soul. Doing that for just two minutes dramatically increases the four measures of emotional bonding. You can actually get people to feel much closer to someone in just two minutes. So that’s the simplest of the exercises. You can get bigger results with other exercises. LaValley: Did any of the students in the exercise fall in love with each other and get married? [Laugh] R: I didn’t really track that for this particular course, but it turns out that in the published literature on this topic, the very first couple [that participated in such an experiment] by this researcher named Arthur Aaron fell in love and got married. So I have no doubt that I created a lot of deep, long-term relationships in that course. LaValley: That’s very interesting. You mention in your study of arranged marriages cases in which love has grown over time. You mentioned a few elements you found. Could you talk about those? The Power of Commitment Dr. Epstein: I’ve done two studies now on people in arranged marriages. In the first one, I ask them open-ended questions just to get them to talk. This was an exploratory study on my part; no one’s ever looked at how love arises in arranged marriages. We do know that when it does arise it might even be more stable than the kind of love that emerges in love marriages. There’s a very interesting study done in India comparing the love in “love” marriages to the love in arranged marriages that found something quite spectacular. In the love marriages, there’s a lot of love at first, but then it weakens over time. In arranged marriages, there’s not that much love at first, but it tends to grow over time, and it surpasses the love in the love marriages about five years out. Ten years out it’s twice as strong. So, in my first study I simply ask people in arranged marriages, “How much did you love your spouse when you got married? How much do you love him or her now? What do you think happened that made the love grow?” The second study is more rigorous and is mainly conducted online at a website called arrangedmarriagesurvey.com. In this study we’re comparing 36 different factors that might contribute to the growth of love over time. In both studies, the biggest result or insight we got was that commitment is a factor that seems most responsible for the growth of love. That has to mean real commitment, not the kind we so often make in our marriages here, almost as if we’re keeping our fingers crossed behind our backs. Real commitment meaning, “I’m really going to be with you through thick and thin, through sickness and in health.” This has led me to develop a theory called the Vulnerability Theory of Emotional Bonding. These factors make people feel vulnerable to the other person and two people feeling vulnerable at the same time brings them together. So the reason commitment is so powerful in creating an emotional bond is because it’s the ultimate expression of vulnerability. When you make a strong commitment to be with someone no matter what, what you’re saying is, “I am entirely vulnerable to you. No matter what is happening, I will be there for you.” And if two people are making that kind of expression of commitment to each other, that brings people very close, and if they each live up to the commitment, that brings them even closer over time. I was interviewing a highly-educated woman from Pakistan and I said to her, “On a scale of one to ten, where one is the lowest and ten is the highest, how in love were you with your husband the day you got married?” She said, “Zero.” I asked, “How in love are you with him now?” and she said, “Eleven.” I asked, “How long have you been married?” and she said, “45 years.” Keeping Expectations Realistic LaValley: I want to flesh this out a little more. People go before a priest or rabbi or minister and read the vows that explicitly state, “Through sickness and in health, for better or for worse,” but do they actually not know how to make the commitment? Do people not know what that means when they enter into marriage and utter those words? Dr. Epstein: Close to 50 percent of first marriages fail. Two thirds of second marriages fail, and almost three-quarters of third marriages fail. Practice doesn’t help us, apparently. You have to realize that when people utter those words, they actually mean them – at the moment. Generally speaking, people have high hopes when they’re going into it. Where it all falls apart is in regards to expectations that people have in marriages. The notion that we get from movies and fairytales and novels say that love lasts forever, that the person you marry is the one, your soul mate and that you live happily ever after. We have the notion that the good feelings will continue. All those expectations are wrong. People I’ve interviewed in arranged marriages laugh at us, because we’re so naïve about what happens over time in a relationship. We go in with very unrealistic expectations and in a few years we’re disappointed, our expectations have not been met, and we often say, “I made a mistake, and you’re just the wrong person.” We wake up one day and we say, “Who are you?” or “You’ve changed.” And that’s all nonsense. First of all, if we went in with the realistic expectation that we actually have to do some work to keep the relationship going and make it strong over time, that would help a lot. The other issue is that we’re so blinded with love at first, we really don’t know the person we’re marrying. The strong emotions that we have sometimes make us blind to the characteristics of our partner. LaValley: Arranged marriages usually take place in religious environments, with people of the same faith, and they know that they’re going to get married because they want to have children, they expect love to grow in the family context and they’re often not overly fantasizing about what it’s all supposed to look like. They’re more practical and down to earth in some respect. Dr. Epstein: I agree completely. They have much more realistic expectations heading into it. Very often, because they’re immersed in a certain community, they have role models around them. Sometimes the parents are in successful arranged marriages themselves. And they have the support from that religious community or cultural niche that they’re in. So, there are a lot of factors regarding why they’re almost certainly going to do better than love marriages. [One survey said that] in India, roughly 90 percent of the people were arranged, and the country had one of the lowest divorce rates in the world, even though divorce was legal there. I do not believe that in the U.S. we’re ready to embrace arranged marriage, but I do think we can learn a lot from what happens in successful arranged marriages. Marriage: An Adventure in Getting To Know Each Other LaValley: You say in the West we fail partly because we enter into relationships with poor skills for maintaining them, and we have highly unrealistic expectations. We pick unsuitable partners, mistakenly believing that we are “in love” simply because we feel physical attraction. In a way it seems almost to be a cruel trick of nature. Without these chemicals’ beings released and these euphoric highs, many people wouldn’t feel attracted to begin with, but when they do, they want to bond. But what you’re saying is that’s essentially part of the problem. Dr. Epstein: It does seem like cruel trick. Here’s this person that makes butterflies in your stomach and that person’s not a good partner for you. Those butterflies mislead you. I spent several years developing a test of compatibility; it’s online now at areyougoodtogether.com. It’s the most comprehensive compatibility test that’s ever been developed and it’s possible for two people who like each other or are in love to take the test. I’ve taken it with my wife, with four ex-girlfriends, and it’s very illuminating, because it shows you where your partner does and does not meet your most important relationship needs. It gets things right on the table, right up front, right now. Sometimes you’re with the wrong person, sometimes you’re with someone with potential but there are road blocks. You have to make a plan and fight the demons that might destroy your relationship. LaValley: But that requires a certain level of maturity and consciousness where both partners can actually sit down and have that sort of give and take. I think that goes back to how two people who are in love with each other go about making a commitment. You said it’s more than just uttering the words at the altar. There needs to be time spent beforehand getting to know each other. Dr. Epstein: Yes, but also the recognition that when you make a marriage commitment, that process of getting to know the person is going to continue. You have to understand that people keep changing, people are very complex, and that process is going to continue. For one couple I had in my study, one reason their love is developing over time is because they’re committed to getting to know each other. That’s partly what their marriage has been – an adventure in getting to know each other. And I really like that image. Again, we have these illusions that we’re in love because we know the other person. That’s simply not true. There’s actually laboratory research about people who are deeply in love and who are blind to the very important characteristics of the other person. LaValley: Speaking for myself, it’s harder for me to know me. Dr. Epstein: Exactly. That’s so well put. Over the course of our own lives we’re learning about ourselves. Eastern Practices vs. Western Practices LaValley: Some authors and researchers talk about this primary fantasy many people have, and if they’re not able to get beyond that fantasy, as you were saying earlier, it’s very likely that the relationship will go through hard times. [The primary fantasy is a term that refers to the idea that there will be a certain type of person who will magically appear in one’s life with whom the subject will fall in love and remain in love forever.] Dr. Epstein: But I think there are solutions here to these problems. If you think back to the 1950s, 1960s, generally speaking, we knew nothing about eastern methods of meditation and yoga and tai chi, and so we had very limited ways in which we could work on our wellbeing and peace of mind. One of the main ways was drinking alcohol, actually – we had few, positive, constructive ways of altering our wellbeing. But groups like the Beatles and the Beach Boys brought pieces of eastern culture into western culture, wonderful techniques for creating a sense of wellbeing. We didn’t adopt the religion, the culture – we adopted the practices. I think we can learn from successful arranged marriages and adopt the practices. We can use our heads a little bit more, looking beyond just the physical characteristics, and then we can develop skills and an awareness that can help us not only keep love going but also make love deeper over time. LaValley: I completely support that perspective. I want the romanticism that involves men and women coming together in love, and I also want it to be deeply rooted, so it’s able to grow over time. My wife and I entered into our relationship with shared expectations, similar values and compatible world views. Some of these insights and lessons that arranged marriages can teach us are deeply embedded within the cultural context that’s still very unfamiliar to westerners. But I think pulling those things out and putting them in a way that people can get their heads around can really benefit the enterprise of marriage significantly. Dr. Epstein: I feel very strongly that this can be done, and I have found some ways to get the word out. In 2010, Maria Shriver invited me to be one of the speakers at a conference of 14,000 women. Michelle Obama spoke there and so did Oprah Winfrey. Maria herself entitled my talk “It’s Time To Take Control Over Your Love Life.” I focused on what I call the “last form of empowerment for women,” because women have made a lot of progress in education and in the work domain, but still are victims to fairytales and fantasies that end up hurting them and their families. I asked the women to believe in a better fantasy, which is that you can take control over your love life, you can be with someone you’re compatible with, and the two of you can build love that will actually get stronger over the years. I become more convinced over the years that this can be done, and it would help millions of people create a stability that we have lacked for many decades. LaValley: I resonate with that because in my case, it was a choice. I chose to love the woman I’m currently with. Dr. Epstein: That very strong commitment you made, which was the commitment to open your heart, is a choice people can make. We’ve got to increase that awareness and give people the tools that they need so they can do what you have done, and what millions of people do, because most marriages around the world are still arranged. We have to use our heads more than we have been using, not just our heart and certainly not just our reproductive organs. We have to be a little more conscious of who it is we’re getting together with, and we have to be a little more realistic about what’s going to happen in the future. We have to be open to the idea that we can take control over what happened, that we can not only be in love but that we can build love, make love stronger over time. Dr. Epstein’s website can be found at: drrobertepstein.com Return For Tomorrow's Post: Why Doesn't God End Evil? Robert Epstein, former editor-in-chief of Psychology Today and a Ph.D. in psychology of Harvard University, exchanges ideas on the topic of arranged marriages with Jack LaValley, founder of true4ever, an information-based business that helps men and women learn how to create romantic partnerships that grow in love and intimacy over a lifetime. Dr. Epstein is the authorof Teen 2.0: Saving Our Children and Families from the Torment of Adolescence; The Case Against Adolescence: Rediscovering the Adult in Every Teen; and The Big Book of Creativity Games: Quick, Fun Activities for Jumpstarting Innovation.