We temporarily come to the end of our excursion of love through discussion of the myths of sexual need, the pluses to waiting for marriage. We also discussed the idea that misguided sex brought about the opposite world of peace and to begin the notion of World Peace can be brought through the practice of sex within marriage only.
So what is immature sex? Is this just sex between two unmarried teenagers or can this also define two adult partners as well? We recognize a commonality in our society that sex is initiated between partners who have not fully matured and is outside of a bond of marriage. Sharing this bond before its time in marriage has brought about heartbreak, loss and confusion much more than the human mind can fathom. Sadly, many are blinded to these consequences before indulging in sex without commitment.
Sexual love has psychological, emotional, moral and spiritual, relational, social and lineal ramifications. When it is used just only for pleasure it is reduced to a physical activity like eating or sleeping. There are of course the announced risks of sex outside of marriage such as unwanted pregnancy and diseases which both have been mitigated by technology.
Thus, the real costs of sexual relations apart from the original moral standard—on the personal and social level, not even to consider its impact on God and posterity—are largely overlooked.
Premature Sex Disrupts the Development of Heart and Character
So, what is sexual immaturity if it does not have to do with the ages of either partner? When we as a society look at sex as basically a physical matter or animal instinct, it causes a deeper level of harm. No harm means that there has been no wrong and no one is held accountable.
Between two consenting adults, if one feels distressed in an uncommitted sexual liaison, then the problem lies in that person and is viewed as being too sensitive or overreacting to conscience and outdated religious values and discount this to the sexual act outside of commitment.
No harm means that the social fallout can be blamed on socio-economics and no one has to question their personal conduct. No harm means the fiction of sex without consequences can be maintained.
Sexual misconduct has consequences on the intangible level. These negative consequences of a nonmarital sexual expression effects the individual and personal development when in pursuit of a loving relationship and upon the next generation.
If there is so much to lose in such an misguided expression of love, why do we continue to do so? Well, this emotional, psychological and spiritual harm felt within sex in insecure relationships are sometimes not even felt or they are ignored in exchange for the pleasure and belief in the supposed benefits of the experience. It is only after the damage is done, which can show up years later, do one often see the cost of the noncommitted union.
Child psychologist Thomas Lickona relates the story of one woman psychiatrist describing the aftermath of her promiscuous college years. She says, “That sick, used feeling of having given a precious part of myself . . . to so many and for nothing, still aches. I never imagined I’d pay so dearly and for so long.”
These feelings are not uncommon. Even the Bible claims that a sexual union is a bonding of two becoming 'one flesh' no matter the partners' intentions. When the couple break their bond, it leaves a deep-seated frustration and dissatisfaction causing the disintegration in the personality.
There are many facets of this disintegration of psychological and moral health, especially among adolescents and young adults. Rebellious teens may have exhibited these characteristics as well as adults.
Effects on the Individual
1. Stunting of spiritual and moral growth
2. Character corruption
3. Guilt, regret and diminished sense of worth
4. Heartbreak and destructive behavior
5. Spiritual disorientation
6. Degradation of love, life and lineage
1. Stunting of Spiritual and Moral Growth
Society has schools that teach the fundamentals of history and science but lack the way to teach unselfishness which is the central opposition to maturation. In adolescence the sexual impulse is being awakened and needs discipline just as toilet training is a milestone in every child's life.
When one in involved physically in an insecure relationship, it tends to impede development and compounds self-centeredness rather than fostering the learning of unselfish love. Sexual intimacy practiced only within marriage supports and reinforces the partners' mutual love and commitment.
But when physical intimacy is practiced among singles, it is mainly used to boost the partners' egos and satisfy themselves by taking rather than to give to their partner.
No one is prepared for the potent power of sex until the developmental period is complete and a child has grown to maturity and has lived in the sibling's realm of heart. We can take God's words in Genesis of the fruit was not to be eaten until the right time of maturity or the "fruit" of love was not yet ripe yet. Having sex before full mental maturity is the same as harvesting unripened or rotten fruit.
Challenges of Chasity and Monogamy
This moral and psychological reality has been expressed in traditional stories, such as the European tale of Sleeping Beauty, which has counterparts in other lands.
Giving today's climate of do whatever you want makes it especially hard for males to focus their sexual desires for only one person for life moral and spiritual maturity. Premarital sex ruins this.
"A crucial challenge to the man-an essential test of his masculinity-is lost or failed," Sarah Hinckley.
We all know that fairy tales originated with a much darker content and were to teach children a valuable lesson about the world and as warnings about darkness lurking around the corners. A magic spell is placed on a princess of the kingdom which pierces the skin and draws blood...this represents the onset of puberty.
She falls into a deep sleep and she is restrained, but yet protected until the braves and the most virtuous young man that overcomes obstacles and whose heart and character is mature. He awakens her with a kiss and then he introduces her to the world of true conjugal love.
In fairy tales there was only one prince before marriage simultaneously teaching the virtue of waiting for one not having many before marriage. That he was the one to have the 'key' to her love. Looking at princess fables in this light, we can say that Snow White was the opposite of this fable and represents failing the test in love.
Adam and Eve were told not to eat of the fruit which represented the sexual organs. Virginal Snow White living with 7 men succumbs to the temptation of the fruit. Fortunately a pure prince comes and saves her.
There lasting emotional scars from sexual intimacy in uncommitted relationships. The damage can be lasting desolation and this sense of a loss. Experiencing this kind of loss, a young person can become jaded and cynical about his outlook on life crushing any hopes of a bright future in love.
Allan Bloom of the University of Chicago lamented how early sexual experience impoverishes the imagination. Virginal students are still “fresh and naive, excited by the mysteries to which they have not yet been fully initiated,” while those who “have nothing more to learn about the erotic” are “flat-souled . . . unadorned by imagination and devoid of ideals.”
Moreover, sex in insecure relationships drains individuals, especially the young of the attention and energy needed for emotional, moral, creative and intellectual growth. At the very least, anxiety over possible unwanted physical consequences can be an ongoing distraction.
2. Character Corruption
That the residents of Paradise could so quickly turn from innocent transparency to duplicity and deceit illustrates that, worse than hindering character growth, unprincipled sex is a notoriously corrupting influence.
As a society that focuses on the use of sex for physical pleasure and recreation only we see that people are looking at others as bodies to be used for sexual gratification and not as spiritual high beings as we have been created to be.
We have movies that pain a picture of infatuated lovers who spontaneously drawn into lovemaking when in reality most sexual encounters are due to one partner deliberately seducing the other.
A study showed that sense such behaviors are prevalent in the dating world, that 'lying, cheating, and dumping each other' is now seen as normal behavior outside a committed relationship. When one is grooming someone towards a sexual encounter, this lust can motivate every word or action toward them.
These same people who use tricks to gain sexual partners would probably not practice this treachery in other pats of their business and daily life nor would they tolerate such behavior from others. Yet, when it comes to the need for physical love, they debase themselves in this way.
How many religious leaders, political leaders, executives and celebrities that exuded a bright character and leadership ability fall and stumble into this type of behavior in their after hours even some were married. This is due the power of sex not being connected to any ethical moorings.
When it comes to a partner having sexual intimacy outside the marriage there are several cover-ups, deceptions, confessions hidden and the exploitation of trust and violation of promises. The one the who was cheated on, all of these plays with their conscience. The cheater barely notices the consequences bared on the children and their partner.
This is through them rationalizing their behavior and ignoring heir conscience and theorize that they are the victims themselves just to retain some semblance of integrity. This kind of conscience killing will leak dangerously into the moral blind spots in other areas of the cheater's life.
3. Guilt, Regret and Diminished Sense of Worth
Sense we realize that the mistake of the fall of Adam and Eve was the misuse of their sexual organs before the time of maturity we can see why they were exhibiting shame in front of God. Before they were naked and unashamed afterward they hid their sexual parts. The misdirecting of love commonly yields to harvest of guilt and loss of self-respect.
Even if one is not conscious of the loss for a time, eventually a person who loosely uses their sexual organs for pleasure, love or security will feel degraded. Many sexually active American teenagers express their regret over losing their virginity when they did.
Also with this guilt and loss, is the shame over violating the mores of their parents and faith community.
Also sex outside a marriage has its own brand of guilt-ridden hell. When the one who had the indiscretion wakes up to the totality of what they have done they may feel the guilt compared to that of having killed someone while driving. Self-forgiveness then can be a challenge.
Further, making sexual attractiveness and sexual prowess an important basis for romantic connections amplifies the tendency to judge people on what they do and how they look rather than on who they are.
Thus anxiety is built into insecure relationships:
“Do I still look good enough, perform well enough, please you enough?” When sexual utility instead of one’s whole self is the criteria for attention, there is always the realistic fear that someone else will be more attractive or perform better.
Adultery has more ramifications than perceived on the onset which makes it particularly more tragic. It brings insecurity into the marriage bed which is supposed to be the one sacred safe place for a couple. It results in undermining one's belief that the spouse is viewed as lovable, unique and irreplaceable.
Jennifer, 30, explains her experience: “The acceptance, even encouragement of premarital sex makes it very difficult to sustain the fantasy that we are the sole object of love.”
The one who is the victim of infidelity will feel like trash and experience lowered self-esteem which leads to them further involving into sexual involvements to prove their desirability which only furthers the feelings of loss and self-respect. This becomes a vicious cycle of one finding validation through sex, not being able to attain that, and then one's desperate need.
4. Heartbreak and Destructive Behavior
All infatuations or romantic involvements of some duration are painful when they break up.
When sex is introduced, the emotional ties as well as expectations are intensified. Studies have highlighted the role of certain brain chemicals in sexual bonding.
When we look at God's point-of-view, He meant for sex to be introduced in a committed and loving marriage and thus creates a powerful glue that has no way to easily release its grip. Hearts that have bonded through sex, even in a casual encounter, will likely only disengage by being torn in some way. Many have experienced that feeling during a break-up situation as if their soul was being torn in half. For some, the trauma can resemble divorce.
People deal with this pain in different ways. Some will deny the pain and numb it through drugs and alcohol. Both men and women will soon admit that they are afraid of getting hurt like this again and will close off their hearts, yet they will still yield their bodies just for the momentary comfort of sex.
This explains the peculiar indifference that characterizes sexual activity even among the young, what one commentator called “oddly disengaged—emotionally cool while physically hot.”
This heartbreak, compounded with the sense of having given themselves so completely for so little return—not to mention the fallout of a pregnancy, abortion or sexually transmitted infection— can help drive young men and women to the brink of despair on their outlook of love relations.
The same period that teenage sexual activity rose was the same time teenage suicide tripled over the last 30 years in the US. Statistics show that girls who have had sex in before maturity were six times more prone than virgins.
They and their male peers are also much more likely to be involved in other self-destructive activities: Running away from home, using drugs and getting arrested, to name a few.
Finally, one will sense an emotional explosion after a sexual betrayal of extreme rage, leading to violence against former lovers, stalking, assault, even homicide. Many people live in fear of retaliation by an ex-partner.
5. Spiritual Disorientation
Uncommitted sex encourages a distorted spiritual outlook whether or not one belongs to an organized religion. It does this in several ways.
First, uncommitted sex reflects a belief in the supremacy of the individual ego.
It creates an illusion that the ego is the ultimate reality and other people are 'accessories' who will come and go and don't deserve commitment. They will use several sex partners for gratification and perceived 'growth'.
When one remains aloof from emotional involvement when entering an emotional sexual bond it splits the body and soul. It tries to show an independent self free to express itself through the body. To 'have' sex rather than be in a whole-person union with another.
When one tries to deny the connection of spirit and flesh of oneself in a sexual union, the partner and the community becomes unspiritual.
Secondly, when one delves into sex without commitment, it displays pessimism about the humanity's ability to remain faithful to one person and then in turn they believe in the capriciousness and unreliability of the universe. Hebrew prophets would teach points that as we are made in God's likeness that in exhibiting absolute faithfulness to God we should practice absolute faithfulness to each other as couples.
This is why they tied adultery to idolatry, betraying the covenant with God and “having an affair” with another god Jeremiah 36, Hosea 1:2.
When we as a people have several sexual partners, this is far from the divine love and dependability of God's created world.
Third, treating the profound deep mystery of sexuality as a plaything is irreverent in the extreme.
All this is not to discuss the fundamentally dishonest maneuvers religious people go through to reconcile their unprincipled sexual behavior with their professed doctrines and perceptions of God. This only intensifies the spiritual disorientation and damage.
6. Degradation of Love, Life and Lineage
When we devalue and disrespect sex which permits humans to take on a divine creativity then few other things in life remain sacred. When we cheapen sexuality it tends to extend a tainted view of other areas - love, life and lineage.
In our contemporary dating and mating culture we realize that love is rarely even mention when discussing sex. The closest that comes to this kind of talk is the fickle feelings one feels instead of will and ideals. This is even lost to even those who profess the belief that love is what makes a physical union legitimate.
The cheapening of life and lineage is evident in the fact that outside of marriage, the conception of a child is more likely to be viewed as a curse rather than a blessing.
The the harshest worse of sexual 'love' without commitment is it is seen as an inconvenience to be dispatched by an afternoon abortion making an appointment as if it was a routine dentist visit. When we trivialize love, life and lineage is coupled with disrespect for the gravity of sexual relations.
When one views sexual consequences nonchalantly it separates one from their spiritual connection and takes them further away from the Heart of God.
The mental and emotional impact of uncommitted sexual intimacy is summarized well by counselor Carson Daly:
The lowered self-esteem; the despairing sense of having been used; the self-contempt for being a user; the embarrassment of having a reputation that puts you outside the circle of people with true integrity; the unease about having to lie or at least having to conceal one’s activities from family members and others; the extreme difficulty of breaking the vicious cycle of compulsive sexual behavior; and the self-hatred of seeking, after each break-up, someone else to seduce in order to revive one’s fading self-image.
Photos courtesy of : freedigitalphotos.net
Return for Tomorrow's Post: Man and Woman Created for Each Other
This text was rewritten and derived from the Textbook: True Love, Chapter "The Meaning of Sexuality".
