7 Days of Holy Sex Day 4 - Benefits of Waiting for Marriage

Contrasting the Different Standards of Sex Morality

To give credence to the timeless ethic in the present world, the prevailing permissive sex mindset needs to be refuted with arguments based upon sound reasoning and contemporary research. 

Let us consider and address five major myths of the old “free sex” perspective in this speech given by Dr. Reverend Sun Myung Moon:


1. Is Sex a Need?

"The first myth is: Sex is a need and an entitlement. All the other assumptions of the permissive ethic rest upon this premise.


This idea is central because it carries a certain moral imperative: If people need sex to be physically and mentally healthy, then it is unfair and uncaring to deny them. Marital status, age and other concerns are simply not as important.

More specifically, if a person claims he needs sex while the other simply does not want it, then there is moral pressure on the second person to yield to the first, since needs have priority over mere desires and having sex is after all always 'healthy' and 'normal'.

The past situation of sexual aggressors having to justify why their partners should give in is reversed. Now those who want to resist sexual advances have to explain themselves. Still, the belief in this need means single people and even children resist less; they pursue earlier sexual involvement and in more insecure situations than they would otherwise be  inclined to do.

Yet there obviously is no such sexual 'need'. There is not a shred of scientific evidence that sexual inactivity in itself is a threat to well-being.

No one has ever received medical treatment because of celibacy.

On the contrary, people are treated for sexual excesses and sometimes directed to be abstinent as therapy.

The real need being confused with sex is for genuine love. Though the body may desire only another body—any body—the heart needs to connect with another heart, to love and be loved as a unique, irreplaceable person.

This is essential for mental and physical health. We know, for example, that infants perish for lack of attention and touch from caregivers, and spouses often die of a broken heart soon after their partner passes away. The specific need of adults is for the experience of marital love. The human spirit craves marriage for its many emotional and spiritual rewards. Sex is only one dimension of what is actually needed and desired.

This belief in sexual need and thus entitlement is a dogmatic notion arising from distortions of Freud’s ideas and the discredited claims of Alfred Kinsey.

Research in the United States, for example, shows three percent—representing hundreds of thousands—have remained celibate throughout their lives and millions worldwide have waited to begin sexual involvement until age thirty and beyond with no proven ill effects. 80 percent of Americans under age 60 have had either one or no sex partner in a given year. Among married couples, infidelity is the great exception.

When opportunity for sex is not available for long periods of time as in military service, interest in it has been known to drop off to zero. 

Many married couples find themselves needing to schedule time for lovemaking because they otherwise become so busy they forget.

This is hardly on par with the need for food or sleep, which asserts itself within a matter of hours if neglected and becomes stronger, not weaker, the longer it is deferred.  Some experts question if sex is even a drive at all since it is so dependent upon learning and will.

“Sex is a natural urge, but the role it plays in your life and the importance you attribute to it . . . is a matter of free choice,” concludes psychologist Peter Koestenbaum.

Sex researchers Masters and Johnson have stated, “In one respect, sex is like no other physical process . . . [it] can be denied indefinitely, even for a lifetime.”

Sexual abstinence then, rather than signifying a state of unhealthy frustration, can simply represent a redirection of erotic impulses. This is obviously what most people must do most of the time. Even when a partner is available as in marriage, circumstances such as illness, work, pregnancy, menstrual cycle and the demands of parenthood dictate a large measure of self-control.



Sex as a “Need” is Oppressive

The belief that people need physical gratification more than they do creates its own oppression.

Sexual compulsion and exploitation become much easier; it is harder for the immature and the weak to refuse their own or someone else’s sexual “need,” as mentioned above.

In addition, single and married people and even children begin to doubt themselves if they do not desire sex as much as they hear they should.

Thus the vulnerable push themselves into sexual involvement earlier and in more insecure situations than they would otherwise be inclined to do. Teenagers may speak of their virginity as something they are relieved to get rid of, as if it is a burden.

How tragic that innocence and the authentic need for quality and committed love are so often sacrificed at the altar of a trumped-up physical “need.”


2. Is One Partner for Life Unnatural? 

The second mistaken notion that follows from the first is:

Having many sexual partners is only natural.

This argument is made on the basis of comparing humanity to animals, particularly nonmonogamous primates, and speaking in evolutionary terms about the need to propagate the species through many sexual liaisons. Thus monogamy and marriage are seen as almost impossibly difficult, even contrary to our genetic makeup.

Yet humans differ from these and other animals in obvious ways.

First, sex among animals is a seasonal matter driven solely by instinct for the sake of reproduction. However, men and women enjoy physical union far more frequently than any animal and for far more reasons than reproduction alone.

This freedom implies certain important responsibilities, as outlined above, as well as certain higher capacities that animals do not share that allow us to fulfill those responsibilities. Second, animal coupling can be indiscriminate in regard to the partner.

In contrast, we are spiritual beings with a compelling need not only for meaningful and lasting love but also to be loved as a specific and whole person and to return love in the same way.

Third, human offspring require many years of parental investment to thrive, unlike primates. Moreover, the quality of the love that spawns and sustains a child affects his resilience and capacity for making a quality contribution to society.

Giving birth to children that are not properly cared for does not make sense even from a materialistic species-survival mentality.

Therefore, what is truly natural for men and women to do is bond for life to care for each other and the children they produce. Even many other mammals do that, too. The human tendency to get involved in temporary sexual liaisons is the result of immaturity, bad conditioning and fallen nature—especially the tendency of the body to dominate the mind— not God-given or even evolutionary traits."SMM

Return for Tomorrow's Post: 7 Days of Holy Sex Day 5 - Benefits of Waiting for Marriage part 2

This text was rewritten and derived from the Textbook: True Love, Chapter "The Meaning of Sexuality".