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Sunday, November 18, 2012

How to Have the Happiest Marriage Book Part 3

This is the last of the first chapter. Refer to the previous post for the other 14 habits of a successful happy couple. The information in the book is taken from a compilation of Reverend Sun Myung Moon's speeches. His members refer to him as True Father and True Parent for being the example of a true couple in a Blessed Marriage. To get an understanding of the material, please read from the beginning.  The second chapter will have 10 additional steps to offer and will take us right to our holiday break before I say adios for the month of December and return next year.  Enjoy.
 
  1. We should always talk to each other politely with respect.
Dae Mo Nim spoke to women about the importance of a wife’s words toward her husband as follows: You have to watch your language. When you speak to your husband, you should not roughly say, “Did you do it?” “Did you eat?” or “When will you come back?” You do not have to say it too politely by using “Could you please?” or “Would you please?” But at least you should use polite words and respect your husband. If you respect your husband, your children can respect him as their father.


Rev. Jeon Soo-won, one of the first 36 couples married by Rev. Moon, also advised us about the importance of always using polite words with respect to the daily conversation between a husband and wife. From now on, every day you should make effort to use at least one phrase that makes your wife happy. Even if the meal is not so delicious, you may say, “Yah, it’s so delicious, thank you.” Even though the relationship of the husband and wife is the closest one, you must attach importance to manners. You should not have a frivolous conversation with your spouse. You should talk to each other using polite, respectful expressions.
 
You must not make casual, frivolous talk with your spouse as if you were speaking to a casual friend. Why not? This is because all of your talk with your spouse influences your children. Women must absolutely respect your own husband. If the wife does not respect her husband in front of your children, your children will not respect their father.
 
As a matter of course, a husband should also talk to his wife with respect. Some languages (e.g., Japanese) have a conspicuous difference between the male daily language and the female daily language and an implicit bias against women in their languages. We should make efforts to speak a new language of true love in the new Era after the Coming of Heaven on earth.
 
  1. We should practice hoon dok hae (i.e., reading True Parents’ speeches or the Bible or equivalent religious text for other faiths) together every day.


Let me first introduce True Father’s speech which conveys the importance of centering on the vertical love of God in order to bring about genuine unity between a husband and wife.

Those who received Blessing Marriage must attach importance to the vertical God rather than the horizontal attitude, as God requires it in order to set up the horizontal foundation of love. It is only by practicing love centered on the vertical love that we can enter the Heavenly Kingdom.

It is very important for us to practice hoondokhae in our home if we want to receive God’s vertical love. True Parents have practiced reading every morning more earnestly than any member in the world and have presented the best model for all of us in the practice reading, as well. Even if it is only for a brief time, if a husband and wife regularly read True Parents’ words together every morning, the couple can receive a great amount of spiritual blessing, and can accomplish one heart and one body on a higher level, centering on God’s vertical love.
 
Here are True Parent’s words on the significance and purpose of hoondokhae:

The purpose of practicing hoon dok hae is to resemble God who is the substance of the Words. We practice hoon dok hae to become the second True Parents.

How can we set up the tradition?

All the contents of my entire life are the tradition. Therefore, I initiated hoon dok hae to bestow the tradition.  The words of hoon dok hae are not words that will pass away. You must know that they are all kinds of the teaching materials for practice that enable you to settle down on earth.  You must inherit the tradition. And you must practice the tradition after knowing it. You must inherit the tradition during the day and night. The education to make you inherit the tradition is hoon dok hae. As it is the place to learn the tradition, once you know it, you must act in accordance with the way that Heaven and I have made efforts to set up with difficulty, and establish your own family and nation. This is very important.
 
You must practice hoon dok hae in order for your family to settle down for ever. This is the spiritual food. Just as you can physically grow by yearning for the physical food and eating it deliciously, you can spiritually grow by eating the spiritual food deliciously. When the family settles down in this way, the liberation will develop on earth.

You practice hoondokhae to find out what you will do for the day, that is, something for you to leave behind. You do not practice it just to hear the words. You practice it in order to live. You practice it to expand the environments of re-creation by becoming the subject. Therefore, you are expected to practice it each and every day.

As we can see from these words of True Parents, it is very important for us to practice  hoondokhae as a daily-life habit.


  1. We should make love at least twice a week.
Some Blessed couples seem to think that the act of sex is a secular act. Therefore, they rarely make love, and quickly finish the act of love-making within a brief time; in their view, to shorten the time of love-making and thus save time for God’s providential work is a sign of the most faithful couples.
Nonetheless, this kind of attitude in love-making is wrong. The act of love-making is a holy act for Blessed couples, and is strongly recommended by God. It is the act of welcoming God into our home, and offering special joy to God the Father-Mother.
 
Therefore, True Father told us to make love more frequently and for a longer time than the couples of this world. True Father told us to make love earnestly even by dedicating our life to that act.

What is the privilege of the human beings as the lord of creation? That is the privilege of love. Animals make love for propagation once a year. Human beings, however, transcend the seasons. This is our privilege. The home is the place where we should bloom by dedicating our life to this act and by drawing the image of our special ideal of love.

It seems that some Blessed couples feel that just to think about sex, or to imagine sex itself, is a bad action. Nonetheless, the act of love-making by a Blessed couple is not an illegitimate act, but an act of true love centered on God. Therefore, True Parents recommend that we earnestly think every day” how to make love.


Where will God and human beings meet? God will meet human beings when man and woman make love and become one, that is, when they become one centering on their sexual organs. Because these sexual organs fell, they devastated this world; they ruined heaven and earth.

That’s why these organs became evil. When you, man and woman, make love, you should think that you are going to welcome God. When you look at your lower body, you should think every day to yourselves, How shall I connect this organ centering on love? How shall I serve and welcome God? How can I make love centering on true love?”

Dae Mo Nim has also repeatedly emphasized that Blessed couples make love more frequently and more willingly.

When I personally talk with Blessed wives, there are really many wives who reject their husband’s desire for love-making, saying, “I don’t like it,” when a husband says to his wife, “Let’s make love.” That is, however, a wrong attitude. Who is the owner of the wife’s sexual organ?
 
Because the husband is its owner, the wife must completely open her sexual organ for him, so that her husband can freely come and play in there to his heart’s content. Otherwise, he will go outside the home. Among the fallen members I have personally talked with, there are husbands who fell because their wives failed to fulfill their responsibility as a wife. Because the wife was lacking in the heart for love-making, her husband ended up in doing it outside the home.

Therefore, the wife must completely open her sexual organ, so that her husband can really come and play in there; she must open her heart and body, so that her husband can freely visit various places (of her body). Did you understand? The wife must open her heart and body.
 
While your husband makes love to you, you must let him enjoy visiting a stream, a rocky stretch, a riverside field, a flower garden, a mountain, and a grass field. You must study and study again how to let your husband enjoy visiting various locations of “creation” i.e., female sexual organ; so you must learn to open it for such a purpose.
 
Do you understand? God presented such a scene for me by drawing its picture. Nonetheless, even though God drew such a picture for me, we Blessed couples have failed to actualize this scene, and do you know who has been practicing it? It is Satan! It is women in bar rooms!

The women in bar rooms have learned it first and practiced it as an evil means. The women on Satan’s side are practicing such a scene more frequently. That’s why I am teaching this sex education and the conjugal-life education for you. There is no other meaning. Why am I teaching such an education? Even though the Blessed couples on God’s side must practice it more frequently, who practiced it more frequently?

Those on Satan’s side did! Therefore, as a husband and wife, you must have a time to make love really to your heart’s content, holding each other’s hand. Do you understand?

Here are Dae Mo Nim’s words about a couple’s sexual life, which she spoke to Blessed wives. God explains about the act of love, saying, “Play as much as you want,” and “The more you make love, the greater the amount of joy and beauty you generate.”

When a man and woman give and receive beautiful love with each other, an inseparable bond of heart is created between the two. The act of love-making creates an emotional bond. It is not because the emotional bond is already formed that you make love. You should not think in reverse. You must not say, “I do not feel love, so how can I make love to my husband?” You are to nurture a loving heart while making love.

Then a man and woman can become one in heart and body while nurturing their hearts. Then the couple becomes happy. When you act in that way, the wife will not feel discontented, nor will the husband.

 

Generally speaking, as a daily-life habit to become a supremely happy couple, a married couple should make love at least twice a week, except during the period of menstruation. Of course, there are individual differences and age differences in the preference of frequency of the couple’s love-making. The best frequency of love-making seems to be 3 or 4 times a week in the case of couples in their 20s and 30s, who eagerly want pregnancy, and around twice a week for those couples in their 50s and over. True Father told those wives at a Blessing workshop that without a child that they should make love once in two days” to make sure to give birth to a baby.

Nonetheless, in the act of love-making, the most important thing, after all, is not its frequency or quantity, but its quality. The most important point in love-making is that a husband and wife be deeply moved by God’s creativity and His heart and offer deep thanks to God while making love beautifully with respect and love for each other, so that God can be moved by watching the beautiful scene of their love-making.

In love-making, if a couple wants to make love beautifully with respect and love for each other, centering on God, a husband should, without fail, make sure to spend sufficient time for foreplay, and quality time for after-play, this for the sake of his wife, every time they make love. Because many young men do not understand the importance of foreplay in love-making, True Father, in his speech on the Korean Chuseok festival in 2008, specified that husbands should always spend at least 15 minutes” for foreplay in love-making, so that wives can feel the utmost joy.

Immediately after ejaculation, some husbands always turn their back to their wife and quickly fall asleep, facing the wall. This is a very bad habit that makes for an unhappy wife. Wives of such husbands will come to feel used by her husband, only for his selfish need and cannot feel love from him. There must be a sweet and intimate time of the after-play after every love-making if a couple wants to become a couple of the supreme happiness.

It is reported that a wife can feel supremely happy when, whispering words of admiration and thanks to her (and to God in the case of a Blessed couple), her husband gently kisses her, hugs her tightly, and has intimate pillow-talk with her while they embrace each other or hold each other’s hand, every time after love-making. Unlike men, women’s sexual excitement and feelings do not drop sharply at the end of love-making. Therefore, a husband should always be responsive to his wife’s need for heartistic” love at the end of each love-making.


For those relatively young couples, before menopause, “to make love” means sexual intercourse that accompanies the act of insertion as a matter of course. For those couples after menopause, however, there are frequent cases that make it difficult to have ordinary sexual intercourse because of malfunction, or health problems of their aged sexual organs.

Even in these cases, however, it is still possible for the couple to feel the joy of love and satisfaction simply by kissing and caressing with the use of their hands and mouth (both tongue and lips) apart from the act of insertion.

I would like to clarify that for those couples after menopause, to make love” does not necessarily mean to have sexual intercourse that includes the act of insertion. This clarification is in consideration of those older couples, so that they can also easily reach the grade of “A+” in self-evaluating and scoring the degree of the couple’s practice of “the 10 daily-life habits that make a supremely happy couple.”
 
 
Yoshihiko Masuda, PhD
(Professor, CheongShim Graduate School of Theology
CheongShim GST University Press
Based on the Speeches of True Parents and Dae Mo Nim
Published by CheongShim GST University Press
Copyright
ⓒ 2010 by Yoshihiko Masuda
All Rights Reserved
Published in the Republic of Korea by CheongShim GST University Press

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