How to Be a Successful Spouse

The following are notes of elder Korean disciple of the Divine Principle Mr. Jung Ro Yoon, (at the time)Vice President and Director of  New Hope East Garden.

Written by Bill Selig.

Recently, I was rummaging through my papers and came across what I consider a real gem of a talk. I found it to be especially sound advice, both useful and practical. What follows are my rough notes from an evening talk given July 2, on husband-wife relations—never an easy topic, but woefully needed and universally appreciated.


"God is the cause and we are resultant beings. Before I was born, my gender, country of birth, and parents were already determined. I had no choice in the matter. If I had been born in a royal family, then I would’ve been a prince. If I’d been born in the countryside, then I might’ve been a farmer.

My fate had already been decided to a great degree. However, gender, nationality, and parents are not the only factors deciding whether my life will be happy or not. Can we say that being born in a rich family would make us better off?

Are those born in the countryside bound to live in poverty?

No.

It may be true to say that until we are married, our life is mostly controlled by the environment and our parents, but afterwards, the quality of our lives and degree of happiness are essentially determined by our own actions.

If we have good parents, then we tend to recall our childhood as happy. Consequently, if the children are good, then the parents did their job well. The deciding factor is love. The quality of our life is greatly determined by our parents’ love. If we don’t receive proper love as children, then our hearts are not fully developed. Generally speaking, those who can give and receive love had a good childhood."


The value of the Blessing


"After the (arranged marriage) Blessing, if you feel your spouse is cold toward you and can’t receive love, then perhaps their childhood was not good. In other words, ironically, one could say that my happiness is determined by my spouse’s childhood.

"Our quality of life is determined not by money or knowledge, but the love we received during infancy."

All religions have made a great mistake. They teach that we have to perfect ourselves. The True Parents are the only ones to have declared that it is my spouse who perfects me. We need our partner in order to perfect the four Great Realms of Heart.

Who is the enlightened one?

The enlightened one realizes my spouse’s heart is more important than I am. Without my spouse, I cannot enter the Kingdom of Heaven. This is the crux of the Divine Principle.

Five attributes of a husband’s love are interest, responsibility, understanding, respect, and giving first. Dear brothers, it is very important that we check ourselves regularly in these areas in relationship to your wife.


(1) Pay attention.


The fact that you wake up in the morning is a miracle. Everyday should be looked upon as a gift from God. Look at each other’s eyes. If they are bloodshot, then this may indicate some medical problem. Don’t hesitate to seek professional care.

If necessary, take her to the doctor or even the hospital. We should help each other.

If your husband is ill, then the wife must bear some responsibility. After all, there must’ve been some sign or indication before the actual sickness appeared. If you don’t love your husband/wife to this degree, you cannot possibly prepare the conditions for your eternal life.

Our spouse is so precious. Check his/her eyes for health. The eyes are the window to the condition of the body, mind, and heart. If there is no love, always check the eyes.

If the husband/wife doesn’t want to look at you, then something may be wrong. It is our original mind trying to tell us something. Paying attention to our spouse’s every gesture, act, and word is a habit of love that we all need to develop. It doesn’t cost us a penny but can generate an invaluable return investment.


(2) Love means to take responsibility.


We should take responsibility for our mission/jobs. The perfection of our character comes through a life of faith. The goal of a life of faith is to perfect our character and to take responsibility for our family and job.

The worst character trait for a person is to be irresponsible. Husbands should work hard in their missions/jobs and offer everything up to Heavenly Father, but we must also take care of our families. Husbands must learn how to proportion each day so both family and mission receive your full ability, talents, and love.


(3) Love comes from understanding.


Even a small misunderstanding has the potential to separate the husband and wife. How can we increase understanding?

Dialogue and communication.

Don't chastise or judge your spouse. Instead, take time and report to each other.

At the end of the day tell each other everything. Your spouse is your best friend. Understanding entails forgiveness. This is why the messiah comes. Without forgiveness, you are not husband and wife, but just 'companions'.

Your spouse is not just a roommate. She is your personal channel to eternal life. 

If there is no forgiveness, then we may miss the possibility to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.


(4) Love comes from respect.


The critical factor is language. We must train ourselves to use beautiful words. One simple word spoken in haste or insensitivity can destroy a relationship and lead to separation and even divorce.

Words can be very powerful. If wrongly used it’s like being kicked in the stomach. Be thoughtful and charitable toward one another in word and deed.


(5) Love is giving, not receiving.


Those who only want to receive are failures. Husbands have a tendency to act as boys, always wanting to receive more love, but originally, man was to give love. If you give, then forget about it, then sooner or later, it will be returned to you many times over.

It’s now time for the test. Let’s test each other. Wives, please grade your husband: 20 points for attention, 20 points for responsibility, 20 points for understanding, 20 points for respect, and 20 points for love. 70 points are needed to pass this test."


Husband’s love


"On a more practical level, there are three categories to pay particular attention to:

(1) clothing

I suggest you buy at least four outfits per year for your wife. The marriage vow you made to your spouse’s parents was to clothe and feed their daughter.

How many shoes did your parents-in-law provide before you married their daughter? So if you’ve been married 17 years, then you should’ve bought her 68 outfits!

You must learn how to praise your wife and any new clothing. For example, "Honey, that color really suits you, in fact, it makes you look slimmer!"

 Husbands, don’t take your wife’s clothing and her appearance for granted. Compliment her. 'Sweetheart, you look beautiful today'.

(2) Food

Brothers, you should take your wife out to dinner frequently. And at the end of the day, never, never forget to ask if she had lunch. This shows that you’ve thought about her during the day and that you’re concerned about her well-being and health.

Going out to dinner gives her a break from her daily routine and makes her feel special. It also gives the two of you some quality time away from the constant demands of the children.


(3) Bedtime manners

Everyday be able to say "good night" and "good morning" with a clear conscience. Whatever differences or spats you may’ve had during the day, try to resolve everything before you go to sleep.

If you can’t say good night to her face and kiss her because of some internal friction or misunderstanding, then you have a problem that is unresolved. It should be dealt with as forthrightly and as quickly as possible, otherwise it will fester and almost certainly carry over to the next day.

Sooner or later, it will come out in another emotion.


The Blessed wife

(1) Set up order among the children and establish the family norm.

The tradition in Asia is for the wife and children to welcome the husband with a bow each night. In the West, of course, the culture is different, but wives should find some means to imitate the spirit behind that gesture.

The husband has worked hard in the job/mission and deserves to be welcomed home.

In Korea, we call the mother, "educator." The mother is the primary influence for children to learn how to walk, language, dialect, and mannerisms. Children must learn how to act properly and follow heavenly tradition.


(2) Smile

By looking at the wife’s face you can know if the family is happy with a good future or gloomy. In Seoul, there are more than 5,000 divorces per day. Wives should be diligent and do service activities for the family and, if possible, serve the community. There are many ways that the wife can be involved in community activities.


(3) Have good relations with neighbors

Praise people. Those who are successful figured out how to praise others. Are you a success or a failure?

As a personal example, I had two aunts when I was growing up. When I was only 8 years old, I made a decision not to spend time with one of them. One of my aunts would always praise me, while the other aunt always criticized me. She said my head was shaped like a potato! The other aunt said that I would grow up to be a famous military general!

The same head but with two distinct futures, so naturally I found ways to avoid the aunt who criticized me.

Learn how to praise and be positive and you will be successful and more likely to be appreciated by others.

The final judgment will come from your children. When they grow up and are old enough to receive the Blessing, the test will be if the son says he doesn’t want the Blessing for fear of receiving a wife like you, then that means you failed as a mother.

But if he says, "yes, I want to be Blessed and want a wife like you," then that means you have had a successful marriage. This is one reason why True Parents encourage children to come to Jardim and learn how valuable their parents are. The entire family should be educated together. 'The ideal family', says Father, 'is three generations (grandparents, parents, and children)'.

Let’s test the wife. 

Husband can grade using the following criteria: 30 points whether she successfully can establish order, 30 points for smiling, 30 points if she builds good community relations, and add 10 bonus points per child.


Conclusion


These are my thoughts on this topic. I hope they may be of use to you and your families. Please don’t take every word as literal truth, but understand the spirit behind it.

Some of the ideas come from my own culture and customs, and do not necessarily translate precisely, but the bottomline truth is that men and women Blessed by our True Parents are more precious than we realize, and that we have to take steps to guard and nourish our blessings. God bless you."


Return for Tomorrow's Post:

Jung Ro Yoon
July 2, 1999
Notes by Bill Selig

God Loves the Wife the Most

"A wife shouldn't be sad because she cannot wear nice clothes or because her household is poor. Your husband already knows your heart. Deep love and priceless treasures are hidden in his heart of feeling sorry for you."

Could it be possible that God loves woman more than man?  Man's body is like God's body as His physical representative after perfection.  Woman is the utmost masterpiece of God's creation, because at the last moment to receive love from God and eventually she is to become a mother.

Isn't it true that children mostly prefer their mothers?  Raising children is the hardest job on earth.  When a woman is pregnant she loves her taste for food and suffers.  Because of this suffering, God acknowledges her.

During the difficult period of pregnancy and delivery, God gives her deeper love.  God made this process of giving life difficult so a woman could understand love.  If having a child was easy, there would be less of a bond between mother and child.

When she goes through the excruciating pain of giving birth, she can understand the heart of God in the process of His own creation.  She will cherish her baby;woman is created as God's object of love.

Why does God make a pregnant woman lose her appetite? If his wife doesn't lose her taste for food, the man will be indifferent even though she is pregnant. A woman also grabs God's attention more when she is pregnant.

"Father thinks of something in the far distance and Mother thinks of things close at hand. Woman is the realist."

In bearing a child, a woman gets to know parental love, husband's love and child's love. Woman is so precious because she, more than man, is connected to love.

A father cannot compete with a mother when it comes to loving a child.  The mother already pours out all of her power and herself more than anyone else in the world and suffers when bearing a child.  She will love this child more than anyone else.

Woman should make the fragrance of love spread out to the far distance like the morning-glory flower.

In the realm of emotion who in the family holds the precious position?  It would be woman.  No matter how much a man loves his baby, it cannot match the love of the mother.  When women understand this, they can see that it is not bad to be born a woman.  Therefore, woman will go to the Kingdom of Heaven of heart.

God is fair.

Even though a husband tells his wife not to intervene in his business, should she not intervene at all? A wife can stand as equal in position to her husband. If the husband is absent, his wife should be able to replace him.

A husband usually tells the wife not to intervene in his work, but should a wife intervene or stay behind him?  When a man marries, no matter what position his wife is in, she stands equal to her husband.  When the husband is absent, the wife should be able to stand in his place.  When establishing the family, the woman's role is important and she should try with utmost effort to do her best job.

A wife should never be indebted to her husband.

A woman should follow where her husband goes or she cannot qualify as a wife at all.  She should have the attitude to be ready to accept her husband's opinion, which is centered on God, 100%.  Her internal bond to her husband should be so strong that she should go east when her husbands needs her to go.

Women should be careful how they speak at the first moment they offer their life to their husband.  If a sister offers her obedience to her her husband with a serious heart, she will surely receive his love.  Such a quality is necessary.  The wife should be a person who is responsive for the sake of her husband.

A wife's ear should be trained to go over the rugged mountains.  How can a woman survive if she is married to a man who curses daily?  She should be able to say to her husband who curses her during breakfast to say, "Please wait until after lunch to curse me."

Then when it is lunch time when he is cursing the wife she should respond without negativity, "Why don't you curse me after we finish dinner."  Then if he continues after dinner say, "Okay, just wait until we wake up in the morning then you can curse me later."  Then Satan will go away in forty days because there's no fun in trying to make this kind of woman mad who responds gently.

"You are not supposed to expect only good things. Can you bathe in the sun 24 hours? No. You need the night, don't you? It is Principle that the high is followed by the low."

Wives should wake their sleeping husband and ask, "Why are you always sleeping?" Wives want their husband's happiness more than their own because it determines their mutual relationship. Woman is born to welcome man and man is born to welcome woman.

You should feel the family standard keenly.

Man is subject and he should stand in the center. Western women do not want to hear this, but this is the Principle. The subject should stand in the position of subject, not that of object. The center should be protected and it shouldn't be at an odd angle. He is in the position representing God.

Motive and cause start from the subject. Happiness and joy originate from the subject. The man is responsible if there is family discord. See this balance?

The responsibility for the fall is assigned to God first, to Jesus second, and to the Holy Spirit third.

Ideally, men in the subject position would not have created war or have made women and the earth struggle.  In the ideal world that is to come, man and woman must become equal.  So who will be the subject then?  The subject does not press the object hard to take responsibility;when we eternally take absolute responsibility, equality is possible.

After fulfilling his responsibility as a subject, he can call the object to account. God doesn't call human beings to account until they become perfect. In other words, He is tolerant until the perfection of human beings.

In this respect man as the subject is responsible for everything good or bad.  Whoever can inherit the responsibility and fulfill the public commitment becomes the subject.

Man has an active and conquering nature.

Humans are called the Lords of creation which the word 'Lord' sounds like it refers to man doesn't it?  Man has the responsibility of pioneer work.  How does it sound if a woman with a small stature and slender face screams out "I am the Lord of all Creation?"

Think about it. No matter how many times she shouted, her voice would sound feminine. What if a man with a somewhat thick voice shouted, "I am the Lord of all creation." How would you feel?

Even all the women and the feminists would agree with his claim after hearing his voice.

When men are fighting, if a woman tries to intervene, saying, "Go away," how do you feel? But when a man with his fist clenched firmly says, "Hey! Beat it; get outta here," at least it sounds authentic.


Return for Tomorrow's Post: How to Be a Successful Spouse

This text was rewritten and derived from Textbook: Blessing and Ideal Family, The True Husband and Wife and Ideal Family.

Good Fortune is in Finding Right Spouse

Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well.  Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares?  Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers.  May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.  

A loving doe, a graceful deer-- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man's wife?  For a man's ways are in full view of the LORD, and he examines all his paths. The evil deeds of a wicked man ensnare him; the cords of his sin hold him fast.  He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly.

Proverbs 5 15-23


What is the definition of good fortune?  We may think it is when we obtain a great sum of money and status in society.  Good fortune does not have anything to do with eating well or living well.  Meeting a good partner well is good fortune.  The greatest blessing one can obtain is to pave a way for a relationship that follows the relationships that engulf heaven and earth and the law of the natural relationship of human beings.  There is not a greater blessing.

By this standard, are those of America following this heavenly tradition?  We seem to value not our marriages and families, but what we can show to the outside world and what material wealth we can render.

No matter how famous or prestigious a family is, if a person does not meet the right wife, then he will become miserable.  Even if one is a great athlete or have a masters and a great academic background, he will not be happy if he marries a bad wife.

I think we see this evidence many times by powerful and talented people in the entertainment industry yet, they cannot seem to get their love lives in a stable position.  Many celebrities lose years of their wealth anyway during the proceedings of a divorce, isn't this correct?  So, for someone to meet a husband or wife who is willing to follow the heavenly path and lend their family life to God will meet a great fortune.

This is the same for women as well.  A great tennis player or a woman who stands well in society, if she meets a bad husband who takes her for granted or uses her for her fame the results are the same.  Therefore, the greatest of fortunes is meeting your partner well.  This is the greatest blessing.

By meeting the right partner specifically catered to unite with you, you will have good children.


It Is Inevitable That Your Partner Is Somewhere

Therefore it is the Principle that they love each other absolutely. When they feel the taste of love, those details are no problem.

Let's visit the Garden of Eden once more.  When God created Adam as His ideal of creation, did Adam have many other humans designed with His divine nature from which to choose?  Adam did not have this chose.  god had designed Eve just for him.  Have you ever wondered if Eve was a beautiful woman or a wreck with oily hair?  Whether she was unattractive or not, Adam was to absolutely love her.  Even is she was big or too short, she was the sole, unique being created for Adam.

It is the Principle that they absolutely love one another because then these small details that normally could cause a break in love will not be a problem.

"True love fills and over-fills what is imperfect." 

You might think that Adam was handsome and Eve was beautiful, but you cannot know that. Whether a man is handsome or ugly cannot be a real problem. These days there are women who don't like to look at themselves in the mirror or take pictures because they think they are so ugly, but this is totally unnecessary.

We are talking about finding the person who is your ideal partner for lifetime.  What is the ideal when it comes to choosing a spouse?  It is the same standard as when there was only one woman and one man in the Garden of Eden.  Adam and Eve were supposed to be True Parents centered on their absolute loyalty to God.  So, were the True Parents to have roaming eyes looking around for the 'right' woman?

When lightning strikes from the sky, it does not first look where it is to land.  When plus and minus meet they will always strike.  At the moment the minus appears, they both become one.  Centering on the love of God, we each must become like this.

Do people worry that when one girl is born in the world and there are ten boys, that they say that the other nine shall die because they do not have a partner?

When a girl and boy are born in this world they do not look for a mate.  It is not right for them to look because the mate is inevitably somewhere.  It is unnecessary to give birth or to have birth control or abortions to even out the population of girls to boys.

 If there is a man, there is a woman. If there is a female, a male will be born.

All men and women of this world are in the position of the fallen Adam and fallen Eve. Fallen Adam and Eve became the son and daughter of Satan. Therefore, going into this world of Satan, the problem is how to find, win, and establish God's son and daughter.

This is fulfilled through the Divine Principle.

It is the fundamental rule of creation that when a perfect Adam exists, then the perfect Eve is restored.  Accordingly, if a perfect plus appears, the minus will automatically come into existence.  If a perfect minus appears, a perfect plus will likewise come into existence.  The universe is absolutely fair.

There is no need for population control because there is not much difference between the numbers of men and women when we look at the global level.  No matter how much the air moves around in all direction, the pressure will achieve a balance.

This is symbolic in the Bible in Genesis when it states that Eve was created out of a man, Adam.


The ideal of "I" is not what caused the fall.  When we look at the viewpoint of God's providence to restore man back to His original ideal before the fall, it is the relationship to the other, the partner that is the problem.  The fall was created when two people entered into an inappropriate relationship away from God.

They united centered on the Archangel's word to eat.  Since we are in the process of recreation, we should rebuild heaven on Earth through the will of God and not the satanic way as humanity has been charging forward since the fall.

The way to reverse the actions of the fall is to establish a correct relationship with an object or partner that is to become your companion.  Everyone wishes that their partner was better than they were, but this type of thinking is impossible when it comes to the providence of restoring the world.

Because of the fall, when we expect that our partner from the beginning of the relationship is going to be better than 'I' this is not the right kind of thinking.  To expect in this fallen world that the person will appear before us already better than ourselves is wrong.  If we desire a good partner, we should manifest this quality in ourselves by investing more effort than our partner.

It is because there has to be recreation. It is through the merit of investing myself that my partner is moved and comes to appear as an object with value. God created heaven and earth not just to see them as they are.

He created in order to love, with heart as the basis. In the same way the only thing that matters in recreation is acting with the heart as the guide. Even though Adam and Eve are small, in the world of the heart, they are not seen as small but big.

A relationship that is based on this misconception and thought of imperfect people that when we get married our partner will be better than ourselves will not be successful.  A couple like this is fake.  How can one survive in a relationship when they have the thought that to be in a relationship, their partner must be perfect?

It will not survive once the other makes a mistake.  We are fallen being s in an unideal world.  The thinking that the other must be better is not related to God.  The partner must always be in a position lower than 'I'?

Let's look at why.

Since the world is imperfect, we start from a point of recreation.  This means that a fallen being will be restored to its original position before God through investing themselves so much that their partner is moved and they themselves will invest in recreating themselves to become a partner of value.  God created heaven and earth in order to love with heart at the base.

Therefore, in order to restore the foundation of the ideal world, our actions must be guided by our heart.  Even though in the world of heart Adam and Eve may seem to have a small heart, but it is actually big.


Man And Woman Are Created In Relation To Each Other

Human beings are either man or woman. "I" am an extension of Adam and Eve who are created by God. When we say "human being," substance already exists in there. How many kinds of things are included in "human being"? Such things reside in the earth, in human beings and in God.

When we look from God's viewpoint and not fallen man, all people of creation are actually beautiful.  Therefore heaven will punish a person that makes fun the way a man looks or looks down upon a woman with big hips.  That is not looking the true way.

No matter how seemingly ugly, that man or woman is the Creator's greatest masterpiece.

It is better for a man and more handsome when he wears a mustache.  There are times when growing a beard is good when one is playing around.

The Japanese make gardens and trim them into all kinds of shapes, but Americans grow their gardens wild and natural.  Americans love natural things not artificial things. If you like the natural way which is principle, in the future they may start paying people to grow their natural beards.

God saw how Adam's beard did not make Him feel good so he created Eve without a beard but with soft smooth skin.

What is the greatest masterpiece in all of creation?

It is the woman.  Women might be excited to hear this. For whom are women masterpieces?  For men.  You cannot help that it makes you feel good.

A soft and tender woman likes a strong man. That's how it is. If there still is a woman who likes the kind of man who has skin like woman, she should be dead! And if there is a man who likes a woman who is as rough and awkward as a man, that man should be dead!

God made these masterpieces to receive a rare stimulation.  Men and women complement one another. Women are soft and tender and men are rough and tough.  Therefore, a rough strong man is best suited for a soft woman.  Think about it logically.

A man has strong hands like concrete floor.  Is this kind of texture great to hold with another strong hand?  Have you ever noticed that you are not sensitive to your own touch and you cannot tickle yourself.  What kind of stimulation would a soft woman's hand feel against a rough man's hand?

Everything in the universe is created to be in harmony. 

When looking at a motor you see the turning armature, the solid metal, but there is a stationary contact surface made of soft, flat brass.  This kind of arrangement does not wear out easily.  But if this piece was made of steel, each time the motor turned, the more deterioration  grinding with sparks.  The law of heaven and earth has all things relate in a reciprocal relationship.

Through this law, we can see that God is a professional.

Which seems to have more stimulation?  A strong man putting his hand over another strong man's hand or placing a woman's hand over his?  The natural law of the universe has the soft and the hard come into one.  If they are not, neither is complete.

"If a man's hand is over another man's hand, he should feel really bad, but if a woman's hand comes and touches him, he should feel good. If that does not happen, it means the law of the universe is not applied."

This is why it is natural for a woman's hand to be soft and a man's hand to be thick and heavy.  Men have a beard that stimulates a soft surface.  What if God placed mustaches on both men and women, what purpose does this serve?  Then, we can conclude that it is good that a man was born and look like a man and a woman born to look like a woman.


Return for Tomorrow's Post: God Loves the Wife the Most

Textbook: Blessing and Ideal Family, The Process of the Blessing (Marriage Directly Given By God)