How to Be a Successful Spouse

The following are notes of elder Korean disciple of the Divine Principle Mr. Jung Ro Yoon, (at the time)Vice President and Director of  New Hope East Garden.

Written by Bill Selig.

Recently, I was rummaging through my papers and came across what I consider a real gem of a talk. I found it to be especially sound advice, both useful and practical. What follows are my rough notes from an evening talk given July 2, on husband-wife relations—never an easy topic, but woefully needed and universally appreciated.


"God is the cause and we are resultant beings. Before I was born, my gender, country of birth, and parents were already determined. I had no choice in the matter. If I had been born in a royal family, then I would’ve been a prince. If I’d been born in the countryside, then I might’ve been a farmer.

My fate had already been decided to a great degree. However, gender, nationality, and parents are not the only factors deciding whether my life will be happy or not. Can we say that being born in a rich family would make us better off?

Are those born in the countryside bound to live in poverty?

No.

It may be true to say that until we are married, our life is mostly controlled by the environment and our parents, but afterwards, the quality of our lives and degree of happiness are essentially determined by our own actions.

If we have good parents, then we tend to recall our childhood as happy. Consequently, if the children are good, then the parents did their job well. The deciding factor is love. The quality of our life is greatly determined by our parents’ love. If we don’t receive proper love as children, then our hearts are not fully developed. Generally speaking, those who can give and receive love had a good childhood."


The value of the Blessing


"After the (arranged marriage) Blessing, if you feel your spouse is cold toward you and can’t receive love, then perhaps their childhood was not good. In other words, ironically, one could say that my happiness is determined by my spouse’s childhood.

"Our quality of life is determined not by money or knowledge, but the love we received during infancy."

All religions have made a great mistake. They teach that we have to perfect ourselves. The True Parents are the only ones to have declared that it is my spouse who perfects me. We need our partner in order to perfect the four Great Realms of Heart.

Who is the enlightened one?

The enlightened one realizes my spouse’s heart is more important than I am. Without my spouse, I cannot enter the Kingdom of Heaven. This is the crux of the Divine Principle.

Five attributes of a husband’s love are interest, responsibility, understanding, respect, and giving first. Dear brothers, it is very important that we check ourselves regularly in these areas in relationship to your wife.


(1) Pay attention.


The fact that you wake up in the morning is a miracle. Everyday should be looked upon as a gift from God. Look at each other’s eyes. If they are bloodshot, then this may indicate some medical problem. Don’t hesitate to seek professional care.

If necessary, take her to the doctor or even the hospital. We should help each other.

If your husband is ill, then the wife must bear some responsibility. After all, there must’ve been some sign or indication before the actual sickness appeared. If you don’t love your husband/wife to this degree, you cannot possibly prepare the conditions for your eternal life.

Our spouse is so precious. Check his/her eyes for health. The eyes are the window to the condition of the body, mind, and heart. If there is no love, always check the eyes.

If the husband/wife doesn’t want to look at you, then something may be wrong. It is our original mind trying to tell us something. Paying attention to our spouse’s every gesture, act, and word is a habit of love that we all need to develop. It doesn’t cost us a penny but can generate an invaluable return investment.


(2) Love means to take responsibility.


We should take responsibility for our mission/jobs. The perfection of our character comes through a life of faith. The goal of a life of faith is to perfect our character and to take responsibility for our family and job.

The worst character trait for a person is to be irresponsible. Husbands should work hard in their missions/jobs and offer everything up to Heavenly Father, but we must also take care of our families. Husbands must learn how to proportion each day so both family and mission receive your full ability, talents, and love.


(3) Love comes from understanding.


Even a small misunderstanding has the potential to separate the husband and wife. How can we increase understanding?

Dialogue and communication.

Don't chastise or judge your spouse. Instead, take time and report to each other.

At the end of the day tell each other everything. Your spouse is your best friend. Understanding entails forgiveness. This is why the messiah comes. Without forgiveness, you are not husband and wife, but just 'companions'.

Your spouse is not just a roommate. She is your personal channel to eternal life. 

If there is no forgiveness, then we may miss the possibility to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.


(4) Love comes from respect.


The critical factor is language. We must train ourselves to use beautiful words. One simple word spoken in haste or insensitivity can destroy a relationship and lead to separation and even divorce.

Words can be very powerful. If wrongly used it’s like being kicked in the stomach. Be thoughtful and charitable toward one another in word and deed.


(5) Love is giving, not receiving.


Those who only want to receive are failures. Husbands have a tendency to act as boys, always wanting to receive more love, but originally, man was to give love. If you give, then forget about it, then sooner or later, it will be returned to you many times over.

It’s now time for the test. Let’s test each other. Wives, please grade your husband: 20 points for attention, 20 points for responsibility, 20 points for understanding, 20 points for respect, and 20 points for love. 70 points are needed to pass this test."


Husband’s love


"On a more practical level, there are three categories to pay particular attention to:

(1) clothing

I suggest you buy at least four outfits per year for your wife. The marriage vow you made to your spouse’s parents was to clothe and feed their daughter.

How many shoes did your parents-in-law provide before you married their daughter? So if you’ve been married 17 years, then you should’ve bought her 68 outfits!

You must learn how to praise your wife and any new clothing. For example, "Honey, that color really suits you, in fact, it makes you look slimmer!"

 Husbands, don’t take your wife’s clothing and her appearance for granted. Compliment her. 'Sweetheart, you look beautiful today'.

(2) Food

Brothers, you should take your wife out to dinner frequently. And at the end of the day, never, never forget to ask if she had lunch. This shows that you’ve thought about her during the day and that you’re concerned about her well-being and health.

Going out to dinner gives her a break from her daily routine and makes her feel special. It also gives the two of you some quality time away from the constant demands of the children.


(3) Bedtime manners

Everyday be able to say "good night" and "good morning" with a clear conscience. Whatever differences or spats you may’ve had during the day, try to resolve everything before you go to sleep.

If you can’t say good night to her face and kiss her because of some internal friction or misunderstanding, then you have a problem that is unresolved. It should be dealt with as forthrightly and as quickly as possible, otherwise it will fester and almost certainly carry over to the next day.

Sooner or later, it will come out in another emotion.


The Blessed wife

(1) Set up order among the children and establish the family norm.

The tradition in Asia is for the wife and children to welcome the husband with a bow each night. In the West, of course, the culture is different, but wives should find some means to imitate the spirit behind that gesture.

The husband has worked hard in the job/mission and deserves to be welcomed home.

In Korea, we call the mother, "educator." The mother is the primary influence for children to learn how to walk, language, dialect, and mannerisms. Children must learn how to act properly and follow heavenly tradition.


(2) Smile

By looking at the wife’s face you can know if the family is happy with a good future or gloomy. In Seoul, there are more than 5,000 divorces per day. Wives should be diligent and do service activities for the family and, if possible, serve the community. There are many ways that the wife can be involved in community activities.


(3) Have good relations with neighbors

Praise people. Those who are successful figured out how to praise others. Are you a success or a failure?

As a personal example, I had two aunts when I was growing up. When I was only 8 years old, I made a decision not to spend time with one of them. One of my aunts would always praise me, while the other aunt always criticized me. She said my head was shaped like a potato! The other aunt said that I would grow up to be a famous military general!

The same head but with two distinct futures, so naturally I found ways to avoid the aunt who criticized me.

Learn how to praise and be positive and you will be successful and more likely to be appreciated by others.

The final judgment will come from your children. When they grow up and are old enough to receive the Blessing, the test will be if the son says he doesn’t want the Blessing for fear of receiving a wife like you, then that means you failed as a mother.

But if he says, "yes, I want to be Blessed and want a wife like you," then that means you have had a successful marriage. This is one reason why True Parents encourage children to come to Jardim and learn how valuable their parents are. The entire family should be educated together. 'The ideal family', says Father, 'is three generations (grandparents, parents, and children)'.

Let’s test the wife. 

Husband can grade using the following criteria: 30 points whether she successfully can establish order, 30 points for smiling, 30 points if she builds good community relations, and add 10 bonus points per child.


Conclusion


These are my thoughts on this topic. I hope they may be of use to you and your families. Please don’t take every word as literal truth, but understand the spirit behind it.

Some of the ideas come from my own culture and customs, and do not necessarily translate precisely, but the bottomline truth is that men and women Blessed by our True Parents are more precious than we realize, and that we have to take steps to guard and nourish our blessings. God bless you."


Return for Tomorrow's Post:

Jung Ro Yoon
July 2, 1999
Notes by Bill Selig

Don't Look For Love, Give It

God is our Parent. Then why did He create us? God’s creation of humankind started from the place participating  in love. Humans started from God’s mind, growing up in God’s bosom of love, becoming mature in
God’s bosom, and making the family which can connect with the love of the world. Through that, they come to return to God’s bosom.

—Sun Myung Moon


You don't have to look for love ever, there is already an abundance all around you.  God has given us love directly on the physical plane where no human should ever be alone, ever.  If you were to look at nature itself, you should never be without love even glancing at a tree or a leaf for it itself is looking for love from humans. 

This is how God created all of creation, for the love of humans.  Then to look at the people all around you that you encounter everyday, you may not like any of them, but there is an wealth of love in even the most evil person waiting to be awakened.

Have your ever thought that a baby is not born knowing automatically how to love others?  Just like a baby has to learn to walk, True Love must also be learned.  Each person must cultivate his or her capacity to love truly.

How?  What environment lets love grow and flourish?  How does one practice the true way of love while on the earth.  Is it performed through just being nice or acts of kindness?  Is there a blueprint we can all follow that helps us lead a true life of love in which all men seek

There is one easy step for all of us to learn how to love.

In order to get love, we must give it, time and time again and forget that we had even given...then give again.  This is the 'secret' which all the saints, great leaders and those who sacrificed throughout the centuries used to help change the world one footstep at a time.

Jesus was the ultimate person who exhibited true love and sacrificed his life for those in his time and generations thereafter even though those in his time did not know the quality of the person they were persecuting.

Fortunately, many sources suggest that the cultivation of true love over a lifetime may be broken down into three essential pursuits:

1. Attain individual maturity
2. Through experiencing family and close relationships
3   Contribute to the world

These three pursuits are the fertile ground to cultivate true love.  They serve as direction, give purpose and are a framework for a life lived for the sake of others -  a life rich in true love.  One's life does not diminish when they sacrifice to love and live for others, rather they obtain a unique higher quality and gain more while giving of themselves.


God's Three Great Blessings

The Three Great Blessings  are gifts granted by the Creator for the fulfillment of human life.

Reverend Moon notes their Biblical derivation from the three orders given to Adam at the beginning of the world and again to Noah, when God had hopes of beginning the world anew: “Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth” (Gen. 1.28 KJV).

Just like the earth, the Blessings Adam and Eve were to receive once they had establish unity with God are to be founded forever.  Billions of generations later were to acquire these gifts.  These Blessings are the universal and enduring pattern for human life and are the means by which we all become true humans who can relate directly to God.

These Blessings is what separates man from the animal and other kingdoms.  They endow us with the potential for a lordship of love.

The Three Great Blessings may be summarized in the following way: The first, “Be fruitful,” may be interpreted as the exhortation to achieve mature character, to become a well-integrated, Godly person capable of loving others. Just as an immature tree cannot bear fruit, so an immature person cannot bear the “fruits” of a loving spirit: “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” (Galatians 5.22-23).

When God gave the second blessing to multiply, it meant to create a warm united marriage and family and to multiply His Godly lineage.  The third blessing was to "replenish and subdue" the earth and to "have dominion over it".

This does not mean to destroy the earth as a master, but to care for the creation God labored to invested for His children.  This last blessing gives you and me the responsibility to create a prosperous world where all humanity and the creation do not suffer, but flourish in a reciprocal relationship.

First Blessing: Mature Character

True love requires a good and mature character as its foundation. 

Although love is often thought of merely as a warm, pleasurable, sweet feeling that arises spontaneously, it is easily seen that various loves depend upon character. Well-developed character enables love; poorly developed character disables it.

For instance, for one to be a patriot with a love for country, one is required to have the virtue of self-sacrifice when their nation calls.  Love of  a friend requires one to be selfless and have consideration of others.

Love of a child requires one to devote themselves and be consistent over a long period of time.  Love of a brother or sister requires one to be caring, supportive, dependable and have honesty as their basic quality.  These love all call for the virtues of a good character.

Romantic love is one of the most confusing loves of all.  It would be rare if a woman thought her man loved her if he was always sitting on the couch watching television or playing video games.  If he refused to pick her up from the train station and told her to get a cab instead, she think he did not love her.

It would be hard for an elderly couple to have stayed together for 50 years without some admiration or appreciation for each other's internal qualities. Especially to have patience and understanding of the other's fault and still love.  In this day in age when beauty, youth and sexual attraction are highly rated for a couple, when these qualities fade with time, character continues to shine.

"Love flounders without the underpinnings of character strengths or virtues."

Author Don DeMarco said:

Love would be impotent if it were not for the various virtues that withstand attendant difficulties and deliver their message of love where love is needed .

"What would the world be like with a soldier who did not possess courage, a doctor without care, a teacher without patience, a parent without prudence, a spouse without fidelity, a priest without faith, a leader without determination, a magistrate without integrity and a friend without loyalty are all partners to futility, not because they lack love, but because they lack the virtue to express it."

Love and a person's character are connected.  A relationship benefits more with people of mature character supplemented with a moral identity and who contribute to the world than those who are immature, selfish and are conflicted within.

The person who lacks a mature character spends many hours of dissatisfaction\ and inner struggle. The person’s relationship with him- or herself is a disharmonious and uncomfortable one, often leading to strife in relationships with others.

An immature person is mostly dissatisfied in every situation and is always in conflict with relationships with others and with themselves.  They live a disharmonious life and are always uncomfortable and make other's life just as uneasy to live.

"Mature character is a prerequisite for joy and peace. Only those of mature and virtuous characters are able to enjoy and share fully the fruits of true love."

Reverend Moon said, “It is when the divine soul or mind becomes the master of the human body that a person’s love can become God-centered. It is as if God’s mind were coming to dwell within that person.”

Reverend Moon calls this state of character maturity “mind and body unity.” Such integrity is the ultimate requirement for true love to flow.

Second Blessing: Multiply Love

The second blessing to multiply sometimes is only noted to have more children.

There is more than just extending the lineage through marriage and children.  It means to embody one's love and on an internal level multiply to others the love that one has cultivated in their life.  To one's horizon of love unselfishly.  A world based on the culture of heart is heaven on earth.

The way to spread one's mature love is through marriage.  Marriage provides one to have a primary person in which to share the fruits of their love, one who is different emotionally, physically and spiritually yet can be their counterpart in love.

Reverend Moon claims that love cannot be complete without a member of the opposite sex. He says:

"You men here are wonderful, proud people, yet . . . in reality your love cannot be seen or proven until you meet a woman. A woman is the one who will awaken your love.  You can insist that you have love and try to prove it, but no one will see that love until the day it is sparked by a woman."

When a couple decides to marry, this pure love will inspire the couple to have children and care for them expanding their parameters of love to embrace yet more 'others'.  When one establishes loving relationships between their family members, they are growing closer to God through living for the sake of others beginning with their family.

As Jack Kornfield, a student and teacher of Buddhism said:

“The sacrifices of a family are like those of any demanding monastery, offering exactly the same training in renunciation, patience, steadiness, and generosity.”

A good family life is the first place where one cultivates the capacity for warmth, care and commitment.  Every human thrives on the joy which is inherent in loving relationships of every kind. The warm concern of a mother's love, the friendship of siblings and the sexual intimacy shared between a couple in marriage.

To learn how to love others in a true way, they must first learn through the loving interaction of family members first.

This is labeled the four realms of heart within the four aspects of the family: child's realm of heart for the parents, sibling's realm, spouses realm and the parents' realm of heart for the children.

These four realms of heart is the basis which affect a person's future relationships with others outside the context of the family. This is how one multiplies the level of the first love found in within the family to the others in society.


The Third Blessing: Prosperous World 

The desires to make a contribution to society and to appreciate and care for the natural world are outgrowths of humankind’s endowment of the Third Great Blessing to make a prosperous world.

Using Biblical language, the third blessing is to have dominion and authority over another.  In the true sense, this blessing is to exercise a caring leadership over the creation which is yet another way to give love to others.

Nature is the 'other' to be loved in this blessing so that future generations will benefit from the earth's precious resources.

The author of the Divine Principle and speeches which this blog is based upon, urges people to think of future generations in their everyday use of water, disposables, and money. Conservation, he says, is a way of loving others who are not yet born

In return of humanity nurturing the earth, it nurtures us.

"Martin Luther King once said that due to the inventions, innovations, sacrifices, and genius of people the world over, we are indebted to many:

Whether we realize it or not, each of us is eternally ‘in the red.  We are everlasting debtors to known and unknown men and women . . . When we arise in the morning, we go into the bathroom where we reach for a sponge which is provided for us by a Pacific islander.

We reach for soap that is created for us by a Frenchman. The towel is provided by a Turk. Then at the table we drink coffee which is provided for us by a South American, or tea by a Chinese, or cocoa by a West African. Before we leave for our jobs we are beholden to more than half the world.

Feeling grateful and responsible to the world makes us consider the best use of precious resources, ways to more equally distribute wealth, food, and health care, and ways in which to bring our unique gifts to bear on the world’s problems.

These are God’s concerns, for, as Jesus said, when we do not feed the hungry, clothe the naked, visit the sick and imprisoned, we are ignoring him.

The third key purpose brings us closer to a kingdom that includes all that lives and which returns the gifts and talents human beings have been endowed with to benefit the world as a whole."


Return for Tomorrow's Post: What is True Love?

This text was rewritten and derived from the Textbook: True Love, Chapter "Love and Life's Purposes".