Qualities of True Love in Marriage

True love is virtues-based and virtues-driven and a reflection of God’s love.

True love is not selfish, but centered on others.  It is principled, serving, sacrificial and without conditions.

It is unchanging, unique, faithful, obedient and forgiving.

True love is the fuel of all good relationships.  This is even more true in marriage because it is intimate and within close quarters.

1. Other-Centered

Reverend Moon defines true love as living for the sake of others.

Living for the sake of the spouse is the overarching principle of love in marriage.

Dr. Larry Crabbe, author and marriage counselor, concluded that virtually all marital problems boil down to one being self-centered.

Dr. Scott M. Stanley, a prominent marriage researcher explains, “Love is that which will require you at some point to put aside self-interest in favor of the good of the other and the relationship.”

True love is to act for the sake of another. 

Dr. Judith Wallerstein found through her study that couples who were happy “were not envious of what they gave to the other.

They did not dole out kindness with the expectation of immediate reimbursement. They did not weigh their gifts or keep records.


“Supporting and encouraging the other was a given. They accepted this major task not only as fair but as necessary to make the marriage succeed.”


Former First Lady Nancy Reagan revealed to how she had a successful fifty years with Ronald Regan in a BBC interview with Katie Couric.

She mentioned that he was never self-centered, not egotistical and didn’t bring up himself or his stardom, or accomplishments.

Instead, it was each of their selflessness that made their marriage a joy year in and year out.

2. Serving and Sacrificial

Of course it is easy to love when the other loves you back, but it still requires maturity and strength in character to deal with the times when one the emotions are not returned.

This is called sacrifice.

It is a valuable goal when one can love when the personal benefit is not immediately felt.  Such a person hones the art of loving for the sake of the partnership.  This quality is absolutely necessary for growing in love.

Researcher Stanley said, “Love is not remotely possible without sacrifice.”

Mrs. Reagan noted in her interview that giving based on 50-50 or a ’give and take’ relationship is not a realistic option. She said that there are times when one has to give more to the other in order to carry the marriage.

This kind of sacrificial giving in a marriage is needed to develop the spirit and the realtionship through the practice of virtues

Giving to the other should not negate the self or bring about a loss of autonomy.

Nor should giving cause you to become someone’s doormat.

When one can give of themselves it means that one has a self from which to give.

A true love relationship does not exhibit dependency upon the other or codependency.  Rather it is a relationship between two people who are already developed and developing their relationship with God.

Therefore, such people are capable of sacrificing for the other without losing their identity or dignity in the process.

Through this right kind of giving, people become bigger, better and more whole.

Further, they serve and sacrifice to bring down God’s abundance of love.

Reverend Moon says, “God is creator and the originator of the two basic principles of service and sacrifice.”

When a person can sacrifice and give up themselves, he or she attracts the love and energy of God to anything, including marriage, he or she engaged in.

3. Forgiving

Forgiveness is an important part of love.



It is necessary for us to forgive as God forgives because all people fall short of one another’s needs and expectations.

It is inevitable that a spouse will hurt and neglect the other at one point in the marriage, be unable to answer the other’s needs or desires, or fail to live up to the other’s expectations.

If one is not able to forgive, the marriage becomes one full of hurts, grievances and accusations.

Forgiveness is based on the other person’s situation and difficulties and placing oneself “in the other’s shoes.”

Having the sense to forgive arises from empathy.

It may be easier for a spouse to forgive if they can see the reasons behind the other’s less-than-perfect behavior.

One who is humble about their own faults and failings which need to be forgiven as well makes spouses more prone to forgive their erring partners.

4. Unchanging

Even the most stable marriages will enter into turbulent times.  A marriage that is based solely on changeable romantic love feelings alone will not be able to have the foundation to weather the up and downs of marriage.

Every marriage experiences times when the partners need to persevere through the challenges that arise.

Only couples who have a steadfast commitment will be able to persevere when they no longer ‘feel’ like going on, when the disillusionment of marriage sets in - when conflicts are hard to resolve.




Unchanging love is the determination to remain truly loving no matter what, taking responsibility for what one puts into the marriage, good or bad, and seeking to enrich the love within the marriage by following God’s ways.








When one deserts their spouse for selfish reasons, in essence, they also desert God and the blessing and grace that becomes available through such a sacrament.

The major religions of the world condemn those who break their marital covenant.

“I hate divorce . . . do not break faith,” declares the Creator through the prophet Malachi (2.16).



Muhammad said about divorce as “the lawful thing that God hates most” (Hadith of Abu Dawud).

Jesus also said that God allowed those to divorce because their hearts were hardened but it was not part of His original plan from the beginning. Matthew 19.8

Genesis 2.24 states that, “for this reason a man will leave father and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” Then he added, “What God has joined together, let man not separate” (Matthew 19.5-6).


It may be necessary for a couple to separate or divorce, but some couples plainly just give up for far simpler matter than desertion or adultery.

The vast majority of marriages can and should be saved.

Contrary to popular belief, researchers have found that unsatisfactory marriages do not poorly affect children.  The only cases where children are harshly affected was in high-conflict marriages.

Children thrive best when both their parents’ mutual presence are in their lives regardless of how dissatisfied the parents feel.

Children that were raised in high-conflict homes closely resembled children who came from broken homes.

This does not mean that such a couple should divorce for the sake of their children.  On the other hand, they should work to amicably solve their conflicts and possibly seek professional help if needed.

Couples at risk, should arrange times to discuss their problems when the children are not around or in hearing distance.

Gallagher and Waite have shown in their research that many marriages which started out unhappy later their marriages had changed after five years of sticking it out.

Some marriages that started out in conflict were much happier through their commitment.  They were rewarded with satisfactory marriages worth waiting for.

In order to have a committed marriage, it requires each individual to give to the marriage, the partner.

In today’s fast-paced society, there are many ways to find an escape in the marriage such as through the Internet, television, having a preoccupation with work or children or through other hobbies.

These are ways for people to avoid facing the difficult emotions or to avoid intimacy itself which is threatening to many people.  Finding an escape from the hard times of being married may bring only temporary joy, but will not bring long-lasting marital satisfaction.

Sometimes, a couple may not invest in the marriage out of sheer inertia.

For a couple to stay faithful, it requires for them to invest in their relationship, including sexually and save energy in order to face one another on a constant basis.

A relationship thrives when it is built on an unchanging, steadfast love that will provide an emotional safety net.

Commitment soothes relational fears and opens the way for intimacy. 

When the other partner makes a true commitment, it will soothe any fears of abandonment other partner may have.

Such a relationship will gradually make one feel secure and the partner will thrive within the marital bond.

Commitment allows for freedom—the freedom to let go and explore new horizons because the home base is secure.

In order for the couple to grow together, they need to have an unchanging devotion to one another.

Marital therapist Harville Hendrix says, “I want couples to know that, in order to obtain maximum psychological and spiritual growth, they need to stay together not for three months or three years or even three decades, but for all of their remaining years.”

Commitment is the ground that marital love needs in order to blossom.

5. Faithful

Sex is unique to the marital relationship.

Out of all the relationships one has, sex is added to the picture in marital relationships.  Therefore, faithfulness takes on a new dimension of meaning and significance.

To attain oneness, men and women need to be sexually faithful to one another. 

The sexual act causes two to become ‘one flesh’.

This establishes a bond between a man and a woman, therefore, one cannot become one with one person, then one with another, then one with another without physically tearing themselves apart psychically.

Catherine Wallace, author of For Fidelity, maintains that a deep psychological and emotional union is physically enacted in sexual intercourse.

Not only the body is involved. “We cannot split ourselves into parts,” she says. “Body and heart or soul are one.”

A person’s deep emotions and psychological being simply cannot be revealed to anyone other than the spouse.

A person’s sexuality should only be revealed to a person’s spouse because it symbolizes and embodies the intimacy of marriage.


“With my body I thee worship,” say the Anglican wedding vows, putting sexuality in marriage within a framework of worship and holiness. Indeed, Reverend Moon sees the sexual organs of husband and wife as representing the Holy of Holies in the Jewish tradition (Hebrews 9.3).

One’s marital partner is the only “high priest” or “priestess” who is qualified to come  worship in the temple of one’s body.

The sexual act is such a bonding between two people that has no place outside of holy matrimony.

Theologian Derrick Sherwin Bailey calls sexual intercourse “the psychophysical seal” of marriage.

He maintains that when sex is not under the guise of marriage, the seal is irrevocably made.  Even though the two may not have any intentions of fulfilling the other portions that require one to become one, sex bonds two people.

This ‘false’ bond with the wrong person will interfere down the road with their ability to truly become one with the person they eventually choose to share their life with.

God has stringent laws for sexual intercourse because when it is entered with anyone besides one’s lawfully wedded spouse, either before or after marriage, it results in entanglements of soul and psyche and possible interferes with having a clear, godly lineage.

Only if the marriage bed is inviolate can two vulnerable beings meet and become one. 

People long for intimacy with another and oneness, but it is only available on the foundation of deep and abiding trust.

Trust is built upon the virtues inherent in true love, other-centeredness, service, sacrifice, being able to forgive and an unchanging commitment to one another despite any circumstances.



Return for Tomorrow's Post: Redemption Through Marriage


This post was rewritten and derived from the religious textbook, "Educating for True Love" written by a team of writers to explain Reverend Moon's philosophy on love and marriage.

How to Strengthen the Power of the Mind

When the sinful body is led by the godly mind, true love comes into being.

The essence of strengthening the mind is to toughen your moral will. What if everyone in the world lived by God's moral code. We would immediately see peace in the world. All conflicts would be resolved through God's point of view.

We must start with the basics. To strengthen the mind, it must be built up daily like a muscle through daily habits.

Through the small choices to do the right thing everyday, despite any fear, distress or fatigue, we can make our godly mind stronger than our flesh. Therefore, to strengthen this mind, we need challenges which allows us to encounter adversity and develop inner strength and will.

Here are five ways to harvest these skills:

1. Determining and realizing your goals

The most basic way to strengthen your will is to make a determination to God and yourself and achieve your goals.

For example, this could be talking to a relative that you know is distressed over a situation instead of enjoying a book. Or choosing a career that serves humanity such as social work.

To challenge yourself more, you can set goals that rely only on your spiritual power, deep prayers, studying the truth, and your acts of true love.

“Twelve years ago when I first came to Mountainview High,” recalls a physics teacher in a rural school

in the American Midwest, “I swore that I would bring the white and Native American students and faculty together in a tangible way. I prayed about it every day, stuck my neck out more than a few times, got misunderstood a lot and once almost lost my job. But now in the faculty there are cross-cultural friendships developing and this year the president of the student council is a Native American boy.”

To make promises to God and fulfill them is significant to reverse humanity's betrayal of the Creator.

This is the most powerful way to get divine support, also through building your self-respect and faith in yourself.

Heaven and other people notice the one who can always be counted on to fulfill their promises and carry out their responsibilities.

2. True Love as a Motivator

To have motivation will give you the power to go beyond any discomfort when it depends upon meaningful purposes that make the sacrifices you encounter worthwhile.

The strongest motivator is true love.

Love is the key to unification of mind and body.

Reverend Sun Myung Moon

This kind of love is familiar to parents.

A father son team was the first team ever to finish the Ironman Triathlon World Championship in 1999. Dick Hoyt, was 62 and still raced every Boston Marathon for over 20 years while pushing his paralyzed adult son, Rick in his wheelchair.

His son excitedly declared that, “It was as if I wasn't even handicapped!” This was enough motivation for his father to challenge his every physical limitation and give his son such an awesome experience year after year.

The power of love is behind the heroic sacrifices of religious and national lore.

Many of the first Pilgrim settlers to North America starved to death instead of eating their grain that was later to be planted. They endured such hardships out of love for the next generation and the hope to build a community that could worship freely unlike their previous community.

Christians recount how St. Peter faced a painful execution upside-down on the cross gratefully out of love for God and his Savior Jesus Christ.

Whether if such acts are done on legendary proportions or just a small act of unselfishness found daily, true love is the strongest means to subdue your fallen body.

3. Acting on Faith

We can mobilize a tremendous power of self-control when we can sustain a great vision of the future despite any obstacles we face right now.

Debi Faris is a woman who is familiar with heeding the call of her heart and conscience in faith. As a wife and mother of three teenagers, she heard this call when she heard news of an abandoned baby found dead. She arranged to give the child a proper burial, and soon, one child led to three.

Her middle-class family committed to ultimately $27, 000 in expenses despite other pressing expenses her family had. She recalls, “I remember praying, “i don't think I can do this, God. I don't think I have the courage.

“I stayed quiet for a while until I sensed that what we were doing was right. It was an act of love, and at that moment I made a commitment to offer it to any child who needed it.”

She has since raised funds and organized volunteers to found a cemetery for abandoned babies called, “Garden of Angels. She fights for legislation to help prevent further tragedies.

Such people who believe in their own gifts or that truth and goodness will ultimately win, those who cultivate the power of faith and hope and demonstrate “sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not curently see” (Hebrew 11.1) have a priceless advantage that enables them to harvest their strongest resources to unite mind and body.

4. Service

Serving others physically such as massaging an elderly person's back, preparing food for homeless shelters, picking up bags of trash for the community, these practices are especially helpful for training our moral will through demonstrating humility.

A man and his comrades of a service club recalls how they were ready to do whatever work was necessary for his community without any fanfare.

“The staff at the rehab center were surprised to see middle-aged men willing to just set up the party, serve the boys soda and food and take down and mop up afterwards. And it didn’t do this CEO big shot any harm either to do grunt work for a bunch of not-too-grateful teenagers. I think I learned a few things.”

5. Connection with God

Ultimately all of these methods used to strengthen the moral fiber support the greatest remedy for the mind and sinful body to unite: only through the connection to the divine Source.

The first necessary step is to center your mind on God.

Then your body will automatically become one with your mind.

Through prayer, worship, study of God's words, supporting the spiritual community, acting on faith, fulfilling goals, being humble and offering service, all of these time-honored ways accesses the Heavenly Parent and tremendous resources of strength.

“Live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature,” promises St.

Paul (Galatians 5.16).

The stronger the bond with God, the more readily your mind can conquer the fallen body.

Corrie Ten Boom was a watchmaker who was sent to Hitler's concentration camp because he rescued many Jews. After the war, he gave lectures about God's love and forgiveness and healing of wonds caused by the war. After one of her lectures, a former S.S. guard of her concentration camp waited at the back of the room

She instantly flashed back to the time she and her sister were forced to walk naked in front of the male guards on the way to the showers. They were ill, cold, hungry, elderly and in deep pain. They were also mocked sexually by the guards.

She remembered at that moment, her sister's pained face as she had to bear the humiliation in front of the very guard who attended her lecture.

Unfortunately, her sister died at the concentration camp. This former guard now came up to Corrie and acknowledged God's forgiveness of his past and he now asked for hers. He held out his hands to her.

She remembers, “I tried to smile. I struggled to raise my hand. I could not. I felt nothing. Not the slightest spark of warmth or charity.”

Yet her strong religious beliefs told her she must forgive him. She breathed a silent prayer to give her the strength to do the right thing. She resolutely took his hand in to her own matching her deds to her highest ideals and loftiest words.

Then, “As I took his hand the most incredible thing happened. From my shoulder along my arm and through my hand a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger that almost overwhelmed me.”

She then cried out to this soldier that he was her brother and assured him her forgiveness. Through her willingness to act upon the beliefs she always lectured upon, she unleashed a flow of true love which liberated both persecutor and persecuted.

To love another at the most difficult time requires the capability of the mind to assert itself over the demands of the satanic body.

Such efforts reduce the unnecessary pull of the flesh and at the same time enhances our moral and spiritual strength. Thus, the mind and body can unite centered on God's ideals.

Then, the heart is also liberated to give of itself freely and unselfishly, and reap the rich rewards therof.

Such a world of experiences would be the Kingdom of Heaven on earth.



Return for Tomorrow's Post: Seven Principles for Loving Relationships



This post was rewritten and derived from the Religious Textbook Educating for True Love, written by a team of writers to explain Reverend Sun Myung Moon's philosophy.

Part II, Thanksgiving: Gift of True Christian Spirit

When we look at how the American laws were built based on the words of the Bible, we have a proud history.  But, then we fast forward to today, we see that these Christians values have been swept away and the decline of such a glorious county mimics that of the very Roman Empire which Jesus conquered.

I am sure that God had thought that in this time that Christians would be His world champions fighting against His enemies fulfilling the role of the thief who followed Jesus crucified on his right-hand side.

Christians do need to rise to their responsibility and be willing to struggle for the salvation of the world, their dying brothers and sisters.

But when you look at the Church's, Christians today are too busy worrying about making their separate denominations and churches grow.  All Christians should unite and with the Messiah.

The 'end of the world' discussed often by believers is really the time of the arrival of the Lord of the Second Advent carrying God's direct message which will save and unite humanity.

The returned Messiah must have a base, a foundation which is prepared to fulfill Jesus' unfinished mission.

He will need a new environment unlike witnessed in the New Testament.  For that purpose, God work thousands of years to set up one landmark achievement: the creation of democracy.

In America, we have a system which is strict about the Constitution which include the rights of freedom of speech and freedom of religion.

When we look at the history of the Pilgrims, their wonderful sacrifice brought these freedoms about - that Christian Spirit.

Democracy was the most important preparation for the coming of the Messiah.



"If this nation did not guarantee religious rights, could I freely preach like this? Would I be safe in this country? Even with its democracy there has been some religious martyrdom in America. America is meant to be that base for God's will to progress today, but America is deeply troubled.Christians today are still a minority in the world.

Are they respected by the rest of the population? Christians have become arrogant, feeling that they are especially privileged people of God and the rest of the world is doomed to die. Many Christians believe that when Jesus comes again they will be lifted up to meet the Lord in the air while the rest of the world is consumed in the fire of judgement. How can the rest of the world admire people like that?


When I first came to America, I went to New York and stood on Fifth Avenue during the rush hour. Suddenly tears began pouring down my face. I looked at the wonder of the Empire State Building and the magnificence of the new Trade Center -- the tallest buildings in the world. But I asked myself, "Does God dwell in those buildings?"

New York is becoming more and more a city without God. It is a city of crime. Such a beautiful city is now crumbling. I can see so much immorality and so many signs of godlessness in that city. It was shocking to my eyes as I stood watching during that rush hour. I could see so many things at once that are all intolerable in the sight of God.

I asked God, "Is this the purpose for which you blessed America?" I know God wants to see His spirit prevail in those great buildings. In those beautiful automobiles He wants to see young people strong in their enthusiasm for God and the love of others.

It doesn't take the Empire State Building to glorify God; it doesn't take a new automobile to glorify God. Even if you have only a rock as your altar, when you pour out your hope and your tears upon it for the service of God, God is with you. I can really see that God is leaving the great city of New York. New York is instead becoming the city of evil."


Reverend Sun Myung Moon



We know America to be the 'melting pot' where people of all the five colors, nationalities and creed melt into one new breed.

If anything needs to melt, it requires heat.  What then was the heat for America to bring this beautiful process of melting all of humanity into one place?

God was the heat necessary for that process.


"Without God, you could never have melted your people together."


The true brotherhood that is witnessed in America could only come through the Christan spirit.  But now that we are beginning to lose this foundation, America's moral fiber is deteriorating beginning with the family breakdown.

Look at the American young people.

There is also the drug and alcohol problem, sexual promiscuity and juvenile delinquency.

In the time of Jesus leprosy was a great problem; drugs are the leprosy of America today.

The drug problem began as Red China manufactured opium and distributed it through the soldiers fighting against the Viet Cong.

In the pas, England exported opium to China and India to corrupt their youth, now, Red China uses this same destructive way to corrupt Western youth.

Once one becomes a drug use, it is had to overcome this habit.

Money is needed for such a habit and users will do inhumane things to keep it up. 

Nazis killed 6 million Jewish people, but there are more young people being killed in larger quantities through drug use.


Communists work underground here to cause this destruction.  Do they do drugs themselves?  No, they forbid their own young from having that behavior.

Can you see the destruction of the family structure and the morality of sex?

The American entertainment reflects the disappearance of our Christian morals.



"American society has degenerated to such an extent that it is making Sodom and Gomorrah look trivial. The "gay liberation" movement is gaining tremendous momentum, but that is virtually a tool of Satan by which he seeks to destroy the most precious, fundamental values of God. The gay movement seeks to justify itself through gaining legal, political and ultimately moral power, but this is disgusting in the sight of God."



The very definition of 'sin' is the violation of God's law of love.

God abhors sin.

Those who indulges in unprincipled love will only perish.

America today is not an exception to this very rule that judged such cities in history.  Ultimately, God's law and love will prevail!

The fall occurred due to unchaste love relationship which bore the children of satan all the way to our generation.

These Last Days which the Bible predicted is the time when selfish, individualistic love will fall away and reach perfection of God-level love.

In such a world of peace, anything other than God's love will be scorned.  Amen.  Saints of all generations have prayed and waited for such a day.





Return for Tomorrow's Post:


Christianity in Crisis God's Warning to the World - message from prison