Sex within uncommitted relations offers no protection and invites the most destructive kinds of interactions to take place.
The guilty parties in the Bible's Genesis story blamed each other for their own wrongdoing.
“Sex always changes the dynamics of a relationship,” observes educator Josh McDowell.
Essentially, any relationship outside a committed relationship is a sibling relationship, between brothers and sisters.
Therefore, when two individuals have casual sex, they no longer or maybe never will fully enjoy the benefits of a friendship or reap the complete rewards of married love.
This is why Reverend Sun Myung Moon cautions single men and women to not get physically involved, not even holding hands, because it depletes the potential for true love between them.
Also, having sex outside of marriage not only affects the two individuals, but compromises relations between friends, other peers and potential marriage partners. This may also impact future marriage.
Impact on the Relationship
1. Stress with parents and friends
2. Problems with partners
3. Negative effect on future marriage
1. Stress with Parents and Friends
Parents have a deep stake in their children and grandchildren who are the extension of their blood and investment of heart.
When children begin to enter into sexual relations outside the form of marriage, their parents may feel worried, disrespected and hurt.
This breach can be difficult to mend just as when Adam and Eve who could not face their divine Parent and hid from God after their indiscretion.
When one gets obsessed over a sex partner, it reduces the attention given to friends. In addition, of sex only intensifies feelings on all sides.
Nothing is as divisive as sexual jealousy.
Close friends can become the best enemies overnight.
When there is a crowd of friends that are sexually active, it can become a web of attraction, rivalry, possessiveness, jealousies and betrayal.
Even the most innocent gestures become suspicious by a jealous partner.
When one betrays his spouse with infidelity, the friends are then added to the betrayal list.
“After the initial shock of his affair wore off,” recalls Eugene, 45, a computer instructor, “I found myself dealing with my own anger. How dare he betray his wife, who was my friend! How dare he hurt his young daughters, who are my daughter’s playmates! And then I realized he lied to me too, over and over.”
2. Problems with Partners
“Once burned, twice shy” is uttered by many people who experienced heartache from a breakup of a sexual bond.
They remember the pain and this one betrayal will stand in the way of them giving themselves completely and trust the ones who deserve their love.
Women may distrust all males as only wanting them for their body.
Males can mistrust and fear which last for years even until they find the right person to marry.
Sometimes the introduction of sex disrupts a warm and caring friendship that might well have been a good basis for marriage.
“Everyone thought we’d be married, including us,” one middle-aged man reminisced about a girl from his youth. “We were very close and didn’t need sex. But everyone expected it and we thought we were missing something. Finally we slept together. Afterwards we felt different about each other. What we had just faded away.”
Conversely, when two people have a horrible relationship that has no future, they may stay in it longer because of the strong bonding power of sex. It becomes difficult after a couple experiences such a powerful physical intimacy that they are lacking in the emotional closeness.
Sex not only multiplies one's own ego, but it is an addictive pleasure which brings on rationalizations and demands.
One partner comes to expect sex at every opportunity.
When the other refuses to give sex, this can launch the other to become violent. It is a fact that when one gets involved in sex outside of marriage, especially live-in lovers, there is more violence and other forms of abuse than among married couples.
Because we posses both a mind and a body, once physical intimacy is introduced into the relationship, then the heart yearns for the same level of emotional intimacy.
Yet, having sex too early in a new relationship makes that longing harder to fulfill because it can overpower any meaningful communication or friendship-building activities together.
Thus, the couple may avoid taking the effort to understand the other and work out their differences.
One college woman admitted that ironically, “Having sex is easier than talking face to face and having to deal with all the things that come up.”
Once a couple no longer has quality interaction outside of the bedroom, then the relationship collapses from within.
3. Negative Effect on Future Marriage
Just because a couple gets married and have children, they are not free from the ill effects of premarital sexual experiences.
The problem of self-centered sexual habits can be carried into the marriage bed.
Marital sex is supposed to be one of uninhibited surrender to the joy of pleasing the one they love within the safe context of acceptance and commitment.
When those who have repeatedly used sex for selfish reason enter into a committed relationship, they find it difficult to switch it from a selfish act to one of giving to the other.
Those who were virgins when they married learn the other's wants and needs and attune to one another, those who are already experienced have habits and preferences that may obstruct that harmony.
Second, because people hardly forget a past sexual partner, one who is experienced may be haunted by images of past partners even after marriage. They may unconsciously compare their spouse's performance to past lovers.
This must not only disturb them, but also is heartening to the spouse if they find out.
Who wants to have a spouse that compares their body or performance to another lover of the past?
One young husband observed, “Whenever I kiss my wife or engage in love play, my memory reminds me that this girl could kiss better than my wife, that that girl was better at something else, and so forth. I can’t concentrate on loving my wife with all that I have—there have been too many women in my life to be wholly committed to one.”
Since sex before marriage is taboo, males can be conditioned to connect premarital sexual arousal with the thrill of doing something illicit – the forbidden encounter and the excitement of possibly being discovered.
This sexual excitement can be psychologically linked to risk.
Later on in life, a sexually experienced person may see the safety and legitimacy of marriage as to tamed to be arousing. Therefore, in order for a husband to get sexually aroused, he is constantly drawn to illicit stimulation such as affairs or pornography.
Weak bonding and predisposition to breakup
Fourthly, after one has many encounters, sex may lose its potency to build strong attachment to one who they finally choose as a lifemate.
Research suggests the chemical sexual bonding power may grow feebler after having already imprinted the heart and mind with previous partners.
On the other side, disappointing sexual experiences can lead one to avert sex or have a feeling of boredom during the act.
One can get into the habit of holding their heart from a sex partner because of many experiences with sex in unsecure relationships that turned sour.
Instead of viewing sex as wholesome and giving of the mind, body and soul like virgins on their wedding day, one may find it challenging to completely give of themselves even with their spouses. This can be hard to overcome even after years of marriage.
A final consequence of indulging in unmarried sex is the possibility of divorce.
Couples who lived together first before they were married, are more likely to break up some time after they get married.
Research also shows that women who were sexually active before marriage have less stable and satisfying marriages than those who were virgins before marriage.
Those who have a series of sexual relationships learn many things, not the least of which is break-ups and failure in relationships.
Sex amplifies an already present atmosphere of understanding, acceptance and intimacy within a marriage.
On the other hand, outside of marriage, sex only aggravates insecurity, lack of trust and misunderstanding, making real intimacy harder to attain.
One single 21-year-old woman, a rock musician, agrees: “Leaving sexual intercourse out makes it easier to enjoy a relationship . . . . Without sex, you can be yourself—it’s more comfortable. It helps you figure out faster what kind of person they are if they are right for you.
You can also get out of a relationship easier—you’re not glued by the sex. Sex complicates things and confuses you. Sex just slows down everything if what you’re interested in is a good relationship.”
Return for Tomorrow's Post: New Sexual Revolution for God
This post was rewritten and derived from the religious textbook, “Educating for True Love” written by a team of writers to explain Reverend Sun Myung Moon's philosophy on sex and marriage.
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