- Learn to
identify selfish behavior and distinguish it from your personal
integrity and dignity.
To
explain further, there is a difference between choosing to give and
allowing something of value to be taken from you. One is healthy and
the other is no.
This is the difference between being responsible and being a victim. A responsible person with integrity and dignity chooses to be selfless which is necessary for a relationship to function healthy. A victim may become a 'doormat' and never experience the joy of giving.
We have become increasingly selfish as a nation and culture. Youngsters grow up with their own rooms, own TV, phone and cars.
The ability to learn to negotiate with other members of the family over what TV show to watch or arranging time for the family 'taxi' is lost in our modern mobile families. I never realized how selfish I was until I got married.
Dr. Larry Crabble, marriage counselor, says, "all marital problems boil down to self- centeredness.
Marriage, as well as life, requires flexibility. A young marriage usually does not have the foundation that was provided by the parents. Also, to have a long-term marriage, it requires the flexibility and unselfishness of both partners.
Here's an example:
We all make tremendous sacrifices of our own personal desires and freedom to work on a job, because this is an investment in a paycheck.
Just to a name a few:
We get up to go to a job when we don't feel like it.
We put up with a boss's or coworker's bad habits.
We work overtime, skip lunch or dinner, go to the jobs on weekends.
Just
as you give your time and energy to a job insures a paycheck as the
end result, the same goes in marriage.
Marriage requires the same aggressive healthy giving of investment to the relationship producing, not a paycheck, but pleasure and joy.
Giving of your heart brings its own dividends.
It might come naturally, but our modern cultural way of life does not procure unselfishness or unconditional love. These two attributes come from sharing life's struggles and challenges together.
- Make
Family Traditions; Rituals and Policies
Rituals, traditions and policies are reminders to come back to the reference point.
Having clearly stated family policies and consequences in regard to children's behavior is one example. Another is have a pre-planned limit when going to the casino.
Here are a few examples of rituals:
Create
a family mission statement together. Post it and review it when
necessary.
(2). Make a theme for the month. Have a virtue that you want to emphasize for that month and grow into.
(3). The family can have a reading time for inspirational writings, scriptures or books.
Hold family meetings weekly to make decisions on a family front
(4). Hold weekly family meetings to make decisions on the larger issues that affect the family.
(5). Renew your wedding vows or your wedding anniversary, this time you'll have the children present which is an added bonus that they can share in that joy.
(6). Create special prayers for occasions such as birthdays or holidays.
- Build a Social Group with Similar Values
When you have children, this will be the best foundation for their future friendships.
Parents are greater authority and influences on their choices values, etc.
when children are small. However, as they become teenagers, that influence decreases and their peer influence increases.
This is inevitable. But if you laid a foundation over the years by you and your children bonding with other families, that peer group grows with them and will reinforce your values when you are not present.
“Personally, my husband and I made great efforts to do this, often driving many miles to give our children such bonding experiences, with relatives and friends. Sometimes we went camping with a group of families. We exchanged children over weekends, in groupings, big girls, small girls, big boys, small boys.
Thus, the weekend weren't boring, nor were they spent watching TV. Today these same children keep in touch through E-mail.”
Even serving a family of a special needs child, pairing the children up to attend the child to their needed sessions.
The changes in the child will have a power impact on the high school age children who continuously do it for over a year.
By including service projects together as a family, this teaches compassion, and gives us an experience with the family members as well.
- Seek Help
for Conflicts and Problems.
It is a known fact that we treat the ones we love worse than anyone else. This is because the love we allow ourselves to be vulnerable to triggers up the negative emotions. This is natural in intimate relationships.
You don't have to view conflict as a negative. Rather, use it as a creative challenge in marriage as an opportunity for growth.
A good book to read “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts; Seven questions to ask before (and after) you marry, by Drs Les and Leslie Parrott.
The Parrotts point out that even though conflict is a natural part of marriage, we dissonance comes up, we must learn how to fight fairly. They recommend that we think about clearly defining what the real issue is, stat each other's feelings about the issue directly without putting each other down and learn to end the fight.
They state it is important to keep 4 disastrous way of interacting from turning into habits. They are:
- Criticism: complaining is legitimate part of life, but criticism hurts the other person.
- Contempt: Holding contempt results in insult and abuse which will thus poison the relationship.
- Defensiveness: This will become a reflex, response to anything perceived to be negative feedback.
- Stonewalling: Simply refusing to respond, engage in conversation or react; 85% of stonewallers are men.
The energy used to repress anger drains relationships of all vitality.
A good rule of thumb is that 90% of conflict that arises can be easily overlooked – so 'don't sweat the small stuff'.
There
are other deep, more serious problems besides conflict in a marriage:
substance abuse, alcohol and drugs, physical and sexual abuse.
There
are deep emotional problems such as depression and other
psychological disorders.
All of these problems need an intervention through help, a mediator, a pastor, a therapists, support groups, and more specific professionals and medical care. Don't let these problems destroy your family and your relationships. Catch them early on.
10. Find a Spiritual Life.
"No single factor does more to cultivate oneness and a meaningful sense of purpose in marriage than a shared commitment to spiritual discovery. It is the ultimate hunger of our souls."
Actually, every marriage needs a life beyond the two partners. This is something that nurtures the spirit and lifts up couples to a transcendent place in life.
Experiences that are of a spiritual quality draw the partners into oneness, creating a transcendent identity that is more than the sum total of the two people. Within God, there is the essence of both masculinity and femininity.
When man and woman unite centered on God, then they become the physical representation of God's spirit.
The most obvious choice for a couple's spiritual journey is commitment to religious belief.
This aspect can be centered around a church which can provide social benefits.
Bringing spirituality into a relationship does not have to be attached to a specific religious structure. There are many new age avenues that include health, meditation exercises, study and discussion groups. There are also self-help groups and appreciation for nature, music and art.
Find something that will start you and your partner on a spiritual journey that has meaning, direction, and joy to your life.
Even though none of us plan for misfortunes, they come to test our marriages no matter how much careful planning we do which call on more unconditional love than we are prepared to give.
Have you thought of what you hope for from your partner if:
You had an accident and became disabled
Your child was born brain damaged
You lost your job and couldn't get another one for 6 months.
Your father died and your mother wanted to live with you.
Your child got into very serious trouble with the wrong friends.
You got extremely depressed and couldn't get enough energy or desire to participate in family activities.
What would you do if these things happened to your partner?
Return
for Tomorrow's Post:
This post was rewritten and derived from the Nora Spurgin Lecture, Creating Lasting Marriages.
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