10 Ways to Create Lasting Marriages

Is there any couple which goes into a marriage with the expectation that it will end soon?



Just knowing that a long-term commitment is valuable is not enough. A couple needs to also begin with some hope and love to unite the couple in the beginning that will last a lifetime.



There is not a perfect person or a perfect marriage. Therefore, we need training in preparing for marriage and also to continue such training throughout the marriage.

The following is some tips to help keep the long-term marriage you planned.

1. Communicate
   

Communication is important. Lack of it is one of the single most contributors to the break-down of a relationship.

There are ways to obtain communication skills through books, exercises and workshops. Your marriage is worth the investment.
Here are a few suggestions to improve your communication skills:

1. Learn to listen
   

Having good listening skill improves relationships, not only with your spouse, but with your children, workers and parents.



Through the routine of daily life, we can catch ourselves tuning out and not catch the heart of another who is reaching out through talking.












Often conversations do not connect.












For example, if a husband comes home tired, but the wife is only thinking about her own long day, then neither spouse is responding to the other.



One technique which allows the other person to know that you are present in the conversation is to repeat the other person's words. This may seems silly at first, but try it.



Let's say your partner returns from work and tells you about, “I'm so tired, today was a hectic day.” You repeat, “So, it was a hectic day.”



Then they know that you heard and it opens the door for them to share more deeply. Usually we may respond about our own day, “I attended that meeting on financial planning, today.” Then you cut off your partner and they will feel their issue unresolved and not understood. Remind yourself to do listening exercises frequently.

2. Make a "date" time together.
   

It's easy for a couple to live together and spend little quality time with each other. A couple may actually spend more fun and sharing time with their co-workers, children and such than with their partners. This is dangerous for any the survival of the marriage for such sharing brings people close.



You can even start with just having a cup of coffee together for 5 minutes a day before going to work or going to bed. This is like a little installment payment for your marriage insurance.



For couples who share religious devotion, sharing prayer time or devotional reading can be deeply meaningful.



(3). Check yourself
Make sure that when using “you” statements, that you change them to “I” statements. For example, instead of saying, “You speak loudly.” Say, “I didn't hear you.”



This takes away the edge of criticizing your spouse and creating unnecessary arguments and conflict.

4. Take time outs
   

This method is used for children and works well for adults, too. When you are in an argument, take a 10-15 minute break. This allows a “cooling off” and time to get control of yourself and come back for discussion that is less intense emotionally.

4. Find a mediator or mentor
   

Adding a third person, other couple, a therapist, or pastor, often helps us see our problems objectively. But, it is important to choose a person who does not take sides or your partner will feel even more defensive.

4. Do something together
   

Anything from a sports activity to a community service project or a small house project will open the way for working and playing together. This will take the ease off the verbal communication as it is its own form of communication.

“I also believe that physical action helps alleviate anger. It's my theory that domestic violence has something to do with our sedentary lifestyle. Anger doesn't get worked out in physically healthy activity and is therefore, expressed in verbal or physical abuse.”

2. Honor the Differences Between Men's and Women's Approach to Life
   

It would be useful to read the classic “Men are from Mars; Women from Venus by John Gray. Also, “He's OK, She's Ok” by Jeanette Lofas.

Men and women approaches to life and the different way they relate have been studied by the pioneer Deborah Tannen. Women speak “rapport talk” and men talk “report talk”, men focus on achievement, women on relationships.



What we may think is a personal character flaw could be gender based.












Physiologically and emotionally, men and women are different.


















To ignore these difference denies the dynamic which makes for an exciting and a breadth of perspective in a relationship.



It is said that opposites attract. One could also say that the wider the gap that is bridged, the bigger the circle a couple can embrace between them.



If you value the gender differences, we both grow in a relationship. But if we insist on alikeness, then oppression and suppression springs forth.



When we accept and honor the differences between the sexes, we thus allow for a complementary relationship.



Learn more about the aspects which are gender specific and find ways to use and even celebrate them rather than kill or cancel out each other's fundamental offering to the relationship.



Referring again to Stephen Covey's 'third person' in his book, created out of the synergy of two opposites, we need to learn to risk our self to create that 'third person'.

3. Promise and Keep Fidelity
   

Love divided can never be complete.

“By nature, people do not want their spouse's love to be shared with others. Horizontal conjugal love. . .loses its potential for perfection the moment it is divided.”



Dr. Hak Ja Han Moon



In every marriage, infidelity can break it and must absolutely be avoided. A momentary or short-term pleasure may bring long-term pain.



Television has presented a false idealization of sex outside a marriage in our society, but it is for entertainment only. It creates expectations of the excitement that comes with the act without showing the responsibility of maintaining and nourishing a relationship.



We are at a time where STDs and AIDS make having multiple sexual partners a health risk. A marriage of fidelity is the only protection. “Marriage Savers,” places the responsibility of protecting marriages and preventing divorce in the hands of the community. They call upon ministers and priests in a given community to insist on a pre-marriage counseling, etc. and create a community marriage policy.



Organizations such as these make a strong argument for a community and having group support committed to maintaining fidelity in a marriage.

4. Make a Covenant
   

In order to strengthen the point about fidelity, one practical step is to create your own covenant or promise to each other. Some couples write out a covenant to each other including honesty, repentance, and forgiveness.

This concept is not just a promise between a couple, but also to a higher spiritual authority, God.

5. Do Financial Planning Together
   

Finances are the cause of frequent disagreement and fighting.



When two individuals come together in a marriage, they come with different spending and saving patterns of beliefs that stem from childhood. They bear discussions and planning. Plan a budget with your spouse and make plans on large expenditures.



You can read a book, attend seminars together on financial planning. It is worth the investment of time and money. You gain valuable knowledge, and both of you are exposed to the same knowledge and advice.



The main goal is to learn to compromise which will allow both parties to feel comfortable with expenditures.




Return for Tomorrow's Post: 10 Ways to Create Lasting Marriages Part II

This post was rewritten and derived from the Nora Spurgin Lecture, Creating Lasting Marriages.