Most Successful Marriages Center on God

Marriage is a major and indispensable step toward knowing God. 

Marriage is holy because it partakes and mirrors God’s true nature and the creative process.

Marriage is an ordained blessing and an eternal covenant with God.  Therefore, it should be treated as a sacred institution.  Marriage should be undertaken with seriousness, binding vows and promises.

Divorce, infidelity, sex without the commitment of marriage are frowned upon and profanes the sacred grounds of holy marriage.

Marriage propels people into a whole new realm of spiritual/physical being—the spouse’s realm of heart. 

In the realm of heart within marriage, a couple can transcend toward resembling the heart of God and love more than in any other relationship before.

To try to live in the spouse’s realm of heart without God’s blessing and laws is risky and the relationship will be fraught with difficulties.

Such relationships of love without God bring incredible pain upon each other in the relationship.  This is evidenced by the high divorce rate in developed countries.

Marriages do best centered upon God, connected to the very Source of love. 

Without the foundation of God, these relationships erode easily.

God’s love empowers couples with His true love which men and women need to get through all the difficulties of life together.

If women and men do not tap into this Source of love, they come up short to give and forgive, serve and stay steadfast and faithful to one another throughout the years.

Loving as God Loves

Marriage calls a couple to love just as God loves His children and mature the growth of our heart.

Traditional marriage vows echo the unconditional aspirations of marital love:


“To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.”


A couple who can love the other day in and day out when conditions are good or bad, and in all aspects of the other’s being, this love resembles the unconditional love of God.

Psychologist Lori Gordon describes conjugal love as “to feel that you can trust another person with your whole being, your laughter, your tears, your rage, your joy . . . . Its essence lies in total certainty that your partner is . . . open to you in body, heart and mind—and knowing that you are accepted and loved for what you really are, and knowing that you don’t have to pretend.”

Loving a spouse in good times and bad stretches a person’s character and capacity to love. 

One husband in a long-term marriage puts it:


“You’ve seen each other in every possible light, the very ugliest and worst and the most evil as well as the most divine and compassionate.”
We can say that marriage is a metaphor for God’s relationship to humanity.

Marriage means to “be open to the call of another without qualification.” It calls for love that is ”the steady gaze on another that does not withdraw simply because they fail to please . . . .”

This mimics the heart of God toward saving humankind.

God likens His relations with His people to the marriage of Hosea.

St. Paul said that Christ relates to the church as a husband to his wife.  The history of salvation in Christianity is to be a marriage - the Marriage of the Lamb.

Loving as God loves is crucial in the close quarters of marriage.

Marriage unleashes strong emotional and psychological forces.

Because such high emotions are experienced in marriage, the spouse may seem like one’s worst enemy.

One’s deepest needs may feel left unfulfilled by the very one whom he or she had high hopes.  Therefore, each should forgive one another 70 times 7 and be faithful when it seems impossible to go on.

When a couple going through difficulty can act lovingly when love is nowhere to be found, be kind and merciful to evoke kindness and mercy - all of these traits school a person in the qualities of divine love.

This is an example of how God love us vulnerable, flawed human beings.

God is always seeking to restore us with His love and set our feet on solid ground.  He continues to encourage us forward toward the realization that we have full potential as His children.


True Love Is Built, Not Born

This love is a far cry from the romantic love experienced in the Western world.

Western society sees love as a force that is out of one’s control and outside of oneself.  They see it as a mysterious, grand and is illogical.  It is seen as an overpowering visitation upon two people by forces outside of themselves.


Marriage Encompasses All Family Relationships


Other cultures maintain that love is not born, but built and depends on the sacrifice, commitment and faithfulness of the couple involved.

Marital love, in these views, has a strong moral component.

It is believed that if a husband and wife maintain their moral and religious beliefs that they will naturally grow together in love.

The Jewish and Hindu faiths are strong on this point.

They advocate that love is built in an arranged marriage through the husband and wife’s virtues.

Modern marital therapists such as Stephen Wolin recommend that society take a second look at arranged marriages.  Wolin believes that the process of building love into a marriage is needed in order to improve people’s chances at marital satisfaction.

His research shows that in resilient marriages, a strong spiritual element is always presence in successful marriages.

Sometimes, a couple may play the role of the following to his or her spouse at any given time:

Wife
Mother
Elder Sister
Younger Sister
Daughter
Husband
Father
Elder Brother
Younger Brother
Son


The Bible describes the perfect wife in Proverbs as a woman of virtue.

Such a perfect wife is trustworthy, benevolent, diligent, prudent and charitable.  She will be kind, well spoken and is beloved by both her children and husband.

A husband’s good stature is due to his wife’s good offices.  She becomes the reward and treasure of her man.

It is the fear of the Lord that keeps good marriages intact in fear that they will stray from His paths.

Buddhist scriptures also describe the good wife of virtue as her husbands “mother, a sister, a companion and a servant” (Anguttara Nikayaiv.91)

The Hindu author Ved Mehta points out, it is also the husband’s duty to earn his wife’s respect through his sacrifice and good character.

Virtues of character attract God and His love to a marriage.

“A noble man and woman are necessary for the sake of making a noble couple. We need a noble couple in order to achieve God’s noble love.”

Reverend Sun Myung Moon




Psychological research backs up the view that having virtue or good character is the bedrock of happy marriages.

A marital expert, Judith Wallerstein, agrees about virtue in happy marriages:

“For everyone, happiness in marriage meant feeling respected and cherished . . . Based on integrity. A partner was admired and loved for his or her honesty, compassion, generosity of spirit, decency, loyalty to the family, and fairness . . . . The value these couples place on the partner’s moral qualities . . . helps explain why many divorcing people speak so vehemently of losing respect for their former partners.”


Another highly respected marital theorist and therapist, Blaine Fowers, has said, “As I
have observed many different couples, I have become convinced that strong marriages are built on the virtues or character strengths of the spouses. In other words, the best way to have a good marriage is to be a good person.”

People who have failed in marriage were asked on a relationship website what they would have done to make their marriage better.  People named improved traits of character:

“I would not have been unfaithful,” said one. “I would be more patient, loving and forgiving,” said another. Yet another said,  “I would make more effort to be affectionate, supportive, loving, cheerful, and a better friend.”

Godly persons make good marriages

Ephesians shows that the love in a Christian marriage is described in terms of virtue of character is likened to the love of Christ for the church (5.25)

This love is a giving love, it is sacrificial that resembles the love of Jesus.

Author Michael G. Lawler characterizes Christian marital love: “It is a love that seeks to give way to the other whenever possible.”

Lawler continues to say that in Christian marriages, both are bound as servants to one another just as Christ served the people.

He says, “Marital love exists only inchoately on the wedding day . . . marital love, as mutual giving way, as mutual service, as mutual fidelity . . . is not a given in a Christian marriage but a task to be undertaken.”

Because traditional Christian values leads to successful marriages, theologian Stanley Hauerwas warns that Christians must not yield to the popular cultural non-moralistic notion that emotions and feelings are the measure of a marriage.

“What the church cares about,” he says, is not love per se, but “whether you are a person capable of sustaining the kind of fidelity that makes love, even in marriage, a possibility.”

Hauerwas underlines that the early church did not have an illusion about ‘love’ creating or legitimizing marriages.

They assumed that those entering marriage would develop the character strengths or virtues necessary for a loving marriage through following the traditions of the church faithfully.

Hauerwas notes the ongoing nature of virtue development: “I do not pretend that any of us ever have a character sufficient for marriage when we enter a marriage, but I am contending that at least some beginning has to have been made if we are to have the ability to grow into the kind of person capable of being called to undertake . . . the vocation of marriage.”

Psychologist Erik Erikson agrees with this religious view defining marital intimacy as, “ “the capacity to commit oneself to . . . partnership and to develop the ethical strength to abide by such commitments even though they may call for significant sacrifices and compromises.”

The Mormon faith and the Unificiation Church both recommend members to have a mission service prior to engagement or marriage.

There are three reasons: by serving others, sacrificing selfish means for other’s sakes, giving up entertainment and comforts and dedicate to the commandment to love God

Through this time period, the youth develop such a strong good character or virtues that will stand them in good stead when they embark into marriage which is spiritually demanding.

Theravada Buddhists in Thailand require a six month period of monastic life prior to marriage as well. This time for missions and service helps the young people make a good start at developing good virtues that are necessary to succeed in married life.


Return for Tomorrow's Post: Qualities of True Love in Marriage

This post was rewritten and derived from the religious textbook, "Educating for True Love" written by a team of writers to explain Reverend Sun Myung Moon's philosophy on love and marriage.

God's Rules for Successful Relationships

When we look at love relationships today, on the whole, there seems to be a lot of confusion, a lot of advice and nonsense that just further the confusion when it comes to the love of a man and a woman.

Wouldn't God make a certain standard for relationships?

Most certainly, God has an absolute standard and order, and model of love He has in mind.

It depends on whether the love a man and a woman share is in accord with God's will that determines success or destruction.

That is a relief to know that God has already placed within the creation a set standard for how a man and a woman should love one another.

Once these certain standards are set in place, not only do they receive God's protection in their love, but they are guaranteed a successful and loving relationship full of happiness.

Many relationship gurus fight amongst themselves over who has the better solution to acquire love and how to keep it, but the highest best advice comes from the master of love Himself, God.

Let's go back to the beginning of the very first love relationship, Adam and Eve.

We by now know the story that if they had become one in love that was based on the love of God, then this world would have turned out completely opposite from what we witness now.

They would have matured and become perfect individually and then they would have become the universal model of love.  This is what God desired from human beings.

Likewise, man and woman must also have wanted to have united based on this true love of God, wouldn't they?

The true love of that couple would be the core of the universe.  That love would have become the standard of measurement for the rest of humanity and for eternity.  God's love and human love is the same in essence.

Love causes oneness. 

Why does a man and a woman long for each other?

They feel such a natural desire because it is the only way man can possess God is through a woman and a woman can possess God only through a man.

In other words, they have a longing for one another because God comes and dwells where a man and a woman have become one in love.

God is the source of man and woman.

Therefore, we should sing praises for the noble value of God and the dignity and value of men and women.  When God's beloved woman lives in a man's heart and God's beloved man lives in a woman's heart as well, these two will become object partners to God.

When they love each other, God will be delighted to see such love and all things will rejoice.

Heaven and earth will rejoice to see such a man and a woman embrace who have such values.  When man and woman embrace each other in mutual fondness, that fondness becomes the point where the universe unifies.

This was how God's original ideal for the world of peace was to unfold.  Originally, a man should meet a woman where he can rejoice, and a woman should meet a man with whom she can rejoice.

More than this, their encounter should be a place where both God and all things in creation can rejoice.

Then, all of creation will be mobilized for this couple.  They want to be ruled by them.  Birds will sing and butterflies will flutter and dance joy at this sight.  God will rejoice, people will rejoice, everything will rejoice.

This would have been the original scene if the first ancestors started history based on such a position. The world would have had a different origin and it would have been centered on God.

The Reason Men and Women Are Born

What is the original purpose of man to be born on earth?  It is undeniable that man was born for the sake of a woman.

Of course many Westerners would shake their head at such a notion, but this fact is undeniable.

Likewise, woman was not born for her own sake.  Even her breasts and sexual organs are not for her, but her children and husband.  We should know that problems arise if a woman fails to understand her own purpose for being born for the sake of man.

Since the 70s of modern feminism and equal rights, women have fallen far away from the traditional view of marriage and life.

No matter how much it is fought, God ultimately established the world based on these principles.

Therefore, we cannot enter the world of goodness, truth, happiness and peace or the world of love and the ideal unless we follow this principle.

A woman is born to meet a man, and a man is born to meet a woman.  Isn't this so?  This is the highest truth whether it is recognized or not.

When we deviate from this highest truth, that constitutes the highest evil.

God created men and women physically opposite and complementary to one another.

Women are one-directional, men are three or four-directional.  Women are more likely to enjoy staying at home while men are more likely to enjoy traveling the world.

There are many books, movies and discussions over the differences between men and women and that it is almost impossible to come together in unity.

How is it possible for men and women to become one?  Surely, a perfect God would not create such beings that would not be able to unite.

Men and women unite through love.  Love has the ability to unite human beings and God.

Man was not born for the sake for academic accomplishments, money or political power.  He is born for the sake of a woman.

Man was born with a larger physique, not so that he can live only for himself, but so he can earn a living for their children and wives.

No one can argue the fact that men and women's sexual organs are different from one another.

Of course these organs do not exist for their own sake.  Man's sexual organ came into existence for the woman, likewise, woman's sexual organ is for the sake of man.

Have you ever stopped to think about this?  This is not a funny matter.

Where is the final destination of love?

Since the coming together of the male and female sexual organ makes them one, this is the final destination.

That which man has is not his, and that which woman has is not hers.  In other words, man has what belongs to woman, and woman has what belongs to man.  The sexual organ becomes a channel through which the mind and body come merged through love.

We should clearly know that we are each born for the sake of our one partner.

This is important, because if we know our final destination, there is no confusion and we know clearly the path we should take in life.

So, why are men and women born on earth?

Men and women are born to love each other.  Since God is the great king of wisdom, He switched ownership of their love organs.

A man is not the owner of his sexual organ.  The same is true for women.

Those who behaved carelessly in regard to the ownership of their love organs will be ultimately judged.

If men were to suffer punishment under the most harshest and fearful of laws, would they even think of other women instead of their wives.  Conversely, can wives think of other men instead of their own husbands?

Men and Women Absolutely Need Each Other

How much do men and women need each other?

Just think, no matter how much men boasts about their accomplishments, it does not matter because it would all disappear in 100 years if there were no women.

Therefore women are absolutely necessary.

When we look at a single man, we think he needs to be with a woman and when we look at a woman, she has to be with a man.

Man can not be born based on his own desire, nor woman be born through her own desire.  Both need each other.

The reason one is born a woman is that there is a man who needs her. Likewise, the reason I am born as a man like this is that there is a woman who needs me.  Isn't that right?  We are all born in this way, with God's knowledge.

Man absolutely needs God, but before this, he needs a partner called woman.

This is where human history has failed miserably.  Men have failed to correctly understand the absolute need for women.  Also, women have not understood they absolutely need for men.

A true man and a true woman who pursue true love are joined through their efforts of becoming one in heart.

When such a man and woman are joined as one, God comes and dwells with them.

God does not like to see a couple that is joined by true love to separate.  Therefore the love of an absolute man and woman is eternal.

God is omnipotent and omniscient, but even God's existence will have no meaning if He is alone.

On the same token, no matter how handsome or fit a man may be, these things have no meaning if he is without a woman.

Men who are in love with their own existence and good looks lead such an ugly existence.

He has no value before God. This is the problem that many men in the world have fallen into such narcissism. This is the reason why history has moved toward tragedy.

God's providence works to change and improve this world that has been immersed in such self-centeredness.


Photos courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net


Return for Tomorrow's Post: Become Part of God's Direct Lineage

This post was rewritten and derived from the textbook, Cheong Seong Gyeong Book Four - True Family, Chapter Five Section 1 - 3

How to Be a Successful Spouse

The following are notes of elder Korean disciple of the Divine Principle Mr. Jung Ro Yoon, (at the time)Vice President and Director of  New Hope East Garden.

Written by Bill Selig.

Recently, I was rummaging through my papers and came across what I consider a real gem of a talk. I found it to be especially sound advice, both useful and practical. What follows are my rough notes from an evening talk given July 2, on husband-wife relations—never an easy topic, but woefully needed and universally appreciated.


"God is the cause and we are resultant beings. Before I was born, my gender, country of birth, and parents were already determined. I had no choice in the matter. If I had been born in a royal family, then I would’ve been a prince. If I’d been born in the countryside, then I might’ve been a farmer.

My fate had already been decided to a great degree. However, gender, nationality, and parents are not the only factors deciding whether my life will be happy or not. Can we say that being born in a rich family would make us better off?

Are those born in the countryside bound to live in poverty?

No.

It may be true to say that until we are married, our life is mostly controlled by the environment and our parents, but afterwards, the quality of our lives and degree of happiness are essentially determined by our own actions.

If we have good parents, then we tend to recall our childhood as happy. Consequently, if the children are good, then the parents did their job well. The deciding factor is love. The quality of our life is greatly determined by our parents’ love. If we don’t receive proper love as children, then our hearts are not fully developed. Generally speaking, those who can give and receive love had a good childhood."


The value of the Blessing


"After the (arranged marriage) Blessing, if you feel your spouse is cold toward you and can’t receive love, then perhaps their childhood was not good. In other words, ironically, one could say that my happiness is determined by my spouse’s childhood.

"Our quality of life is determined not by money or knowledge, but the love we received during infancy."

All religions have made a great mistake. They teach that we have to perfect ourselves. The True Parents are the only ones to have declared that it is my spouse who perfects me. We need our partner in order to perfect the four Great Realms of Heart.

Who is the enlightened one?

The enlightened one realizes my spouse’s heart is more important than I am. Without my spouse, I cannot enter the Kingdom of Heaven. This is the crux of the Divine Principle.

Five attributes of a husband’s love are interest, responsibility, understanding, respect, and giving first. Dear brothers, it is very important that we check ourselves regularly in these areas in relationship to your wife.


(1) Pay attention.


The fact that you wake up in the morning is a miracle. Everyday should be looked upon as a gift from God. Look at each other’s eyes. If they are bloodshot, then this may indicate some medical problem. Don’t hesitate to seek professional care.

If necessary, take her to the doctor or even the hospital. We should help each other.

If your husband is ill, then the wife must bear some responsibility. After all, there must’ve been some sign or indication before the actual sickness appeared. If you don’t love your husband/wife to this degree, you cannot possibly prepare the conditions for your eternal life.

Our spouse is so precious. Check his/her eyes for health. The eyes are the window to the condition of the body, mind, and heart. If there is no love, always check the eyes.

If the husband/wife doesn’t want to look at you, then something may be wrong. It is our original mind trying to tell us something. Paying attention to our spouse’s every gesture, act, and word is a habit of love that we all need to develop. It doesn’t cost us a penny but can generate an invaluable return investment.


(2) Love means to take responsibility.


We should take responsibility for our mission/jobs. The perfection of our character comes through a life of faith. The goal of a life of faith is to perfect our character and to take responsibility for our family and job.

The worst character trait for a person is to be irresponsible. Husbands should work hard in their missions/jobs and offer everything up to Heavenly Father, but we must also take care of our families. Husbands must learn how to proportion each day so both family and mission receive your full ability, talents, and love.


(3) Love comes from understanding.


Even a small misunderstanding has the potential to separate the husband and wife. How can we increase understanding?

Dialogue and communication.

Don't chastise or judge your spouse. Instead, take time and report to each other.

At the end of the day tell each other everything. Your spouse is your best friend. Understanding entails forgiveness. This is why the messiah comes. Without forgiveness, you are not husband and wife, but just 'companions'.

Your spouse is not just a roommate. She is your personal channel to eternal life. 

If there is no forgiveness, then we may miss the possibility to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.


(4) Love comes from respect.


The critical factor is language. We must train ourselves to use beautiful words. One simple word spoken in haste or insensitivity can destroy a relationship and lead to separation and even divorce.

Words can be very powerful. If wrongly used it’s like being kicked in the stomach. Be thoughtful and charitable toward one another in word and deed.


(5) Love is giving, not receiving.


Those who only want to receive are failures. Husbands have a tendency to act as boys, always wanting to receive more love, but originally, man was to give love. If you give, then forget about it, then sooner or later, it will be returned to you many times over.

It’s now time for the test. Let’s test each other. Wives, please grade your husband: 20 points for attention, 20 points for responsibility, 20 points for understanding, 20 points for respect, and 20 points for love. 70 points are needed to pass this test."


Husband’s love


"On a more practical level, there are three categories to pay particular attention to:

(1) clothing

I suggest you buy at least four outfits per year for your wife. The marriage vow you made to your spouse’s parents was to clothe and feed their daughter.

How many shoes did your parents-in-law provide before you married their daughter? So if you’ve been married 17 years, then you should’ve bought her 68 outfits!

You must learn how to praise your wife and any new clothing. For example, "Honey, that color really suits you, in fact, it makes you look slimmer!"

 Husbands, don’t take your wife’s clothing and her appearance for granted. Compliment her. 'Sweetheart, you look beautiful today'.

(2) Food

Brothers, you should take your wife out to dinner frequently. And at the end of the day, never, never forget to ask if she had lunch. This shows that you’ve thought about her during the day and that you’re concerned about her well-being and health.

Going out to dinner gives her a break from her daily routine and makes her feel special. It also gives the two of you some quality time away from the constant demands of the children.


(3) Bedtime manners

Everyday be able to say "good night" and "good morning" with a clear conscience. Whatever differences or spats you may’ve had during the day, try to resolve everything before you go to sleep.

If you can’t say good night to her face and kiss her because of some internal friction or misunderstanding, then you have a problem that is unresolved. It should be dealt with as forthrightly and as quickly as possible, otherwise it will fester and almost certainly carry over to the next day.

Sooner or later, it will come out in another emotion.


The Blessed wife

(1) Set up order among the children and establish the family norm.

The tradition in Asia is for the wife and children to welcome the husband with a bow each night. In the West, of course, the culture is different, but wives should find some means to imitate the spirit behind that gesture.

The husband has worked hard in the job/mission and deserves to be welcomed home.

In Korea, we call the mother, "educator." The mother is the primary influence for children to learn how to walk, language, dialect, and mannerisms. Children must learn how to act properly and follow heavenly tradition.


(2) Smile

By looking at the wife’s face you can know if the family is happy with a good future or gloomy. In Seoul, there are more than 5,000 divorces per day. Wives should be diligent and do service activities for the family and, if possible, serve the community. There are many ways that the wife can be involved in community activities.


(3) Have good relations with neighbors

Praise people. Those who are successful figured out how to praise others. Are you a success or a failure?

As a personal example, I had two aunts when I was growing up. When I was only 8 years old, I made a decision not to spend time with one of them. One of my aunts would always praise me, while the other aunt always criticized me. She said my head was shaped like a potato! The other aunt said that I would grow up to be a famous military general!

The same head but with two distinct futures, so naturally I found ways to avoid the aunt who criticized me.

Learn how to praise and be positive and you will be successful and more likely to be appreciated by others.

The final judgment will come from your children. When they grow up and are old enough to receive the Blessing, the test will be if the son says he doesn’t want the Blessing for fear of receiving a wife like you, then that means you failed as a mother.

But if he says, "yes, I want to be Blessed and want a wife like you," then that means you have had a successful marriage. This is one reason why True Parents encourage children to come to Jardim and learn how valuable their parents are. The entire family should be educated together. 'The ideal family', says Father, 'is three generations (grandparents, parents, and children)'.

Let’s test the wife. 

Husband can grade using the following criteria: 30 points whether she successfully can establish order, 30 points for smiling, 30 points if she builds good community relations, and add 10 bonus points per child.


Conclusion


These are my thoughts on this topic. I hope they may be of use to you and your families. Please don’t take every word as literal truth, but understand the spirit behind it.

Some of the ideas come from my own culture and customs, and do not necessarily translate precisely, but the bottomline truth is that men and women Blessed by our True Parents are more precious than we realize, and that we have to take steps to guard and nourish our blessings. God bless you."


Return for Tomorrow's Post:

Jung Ro Yoon
July 2, 1999
Notes by Bill Selig