When singles and young people are equipped with the knowledge and skills about relationships, then they are better equipped for a successful marriage.
The following outline is what we will discuss that can be a defense against all of the misinformation about sex and relationships.
Knowledge and Insight
1. Discernment of true love
2. Realities of marriage
3. Option of intercultural marriage
4. Advantages of chastity
Relational Skills
1. Communication and conflict resolution
2.
Setting boundaries of physical involvement
Knowledge and Insight
Social sciences tend to reinforce traditional wisdom of scripture, literature and philosophy in the matters of love, sexuality and marriage. Despite contemporary sources of this knowledge and insight, the average person remains blind about the spouse's realm of heart.
1. Discernment of True Love
Singles benefit from a clear discussion about the true nature of love. Armed with this, people will be able to to distinguish between true conjugal love and its counterfeits.
The most basic distinction is between true love and self-centered love or just a fleeting infatuation.
Contrasting Qualities of Love
Self-centered love True Love
Prefers to be receiving.
Enjoys giving.
Fosters self-absorption within Encourages reaching out to others.
the couple and exclusion of others.
Focuses on external traits Cherishes the other most for her good heart and character .
Weakened by time and separation.
Intensified by time and separation.
Starts up quickly and ends
Grows steadily and ends slowly just as quickly. if at all.
Makes the other feel anxious.
Makes the other feel secure.
Judges the other according to how
well the partner makes one feel loved. Gives more to the other.
Judges oneself and how one might Prioritizes the relationship over truth and goodness.
Bases the relationship upon truth and goodness.
Hinders productivity.
Enhances productivity.
Plagued by quarrels of increasing
frequency and severity.
Characterized by fewer and fewer quarrels over time, of decreasing intensity.
Poisoned and threatened by conflict.
Deepened and fortified by conflict.
The issue of purity is a direct way to separate selfish love from
unselfish. “Ask the partner to wait until marriage for sex,” recommends
purity educator Mike Long, “ and by their response you’ll
know if he or she loves you.”6 This is an application of the classic
Biblical definition: “Love is patient and kind . . . . Love does not
insist on its own way.” 1 Corinthians 13.3-4
Love as volitional
People who are single also have the false idea of “falling in love” as a natural process in dating.
Only an overwhelming, irresistible attraction springing up spontaneously between two people can lead
to true and lasting love between them.
The only problem is finding the right person who can harbor those feelings.
In a relationship, if later the feelings they had for each other should wane, then this means that that was the wrong person after all and they should end that relationship.
This is a strong misunderstanding in the realm of relationships which neglects the volitional aspect of love which is suggested in the book, “Love is a Decision”, written by marriage expert Gary Smalley
“While it sounds romantic to ‘fall’ in love, the truth is that we decide who we want to love,” asserts high school relationship educator, Charlene Kamper.8 Coming from the Jewish matchmaking tradition and personal experience, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach agrees, “You can actually decide to fall in love with someone, and your heart will follow.”
It is true that one aspect of love is beyond control, but there is an intentional aspect that is controlled.
The latter can influence the former. In other words, one can make the decision to love and encourage the feeling of love.
A person of heart and character is committed to being loving whether or not he or she feels loving at the time.
Parents experience this when they take action to love when there are no warm feelings of love and renew their hearts and their affection for their children are restored.
All religious beliefs that exhort to love your neighbor and even your adversary is based on the idea of love is a decision.
The reality of both marriage and friendship is that love demands a large amount of doing what one does not feel like doing even though everyone wants to love their spouse at all times.
It must be understood that love is an act of will and is an element of choice.
When this is clear, it gives freedom and security to youth who fear that they have flaws and wrongly believe that no one can love them or that if they get married, the love for their spouse will someday disappear.
“If we fall out of love,” they wonder, “how can we bring it back?”
It is possible to generate love even when it is not readily flowing.
If a man and woman follow the principles that generate true love such as, mind and body unity, giving and receiving, uniting around a higher purpose than the relationship, a couple can build a strong, affectionate connection.
Through this process they can also rebuild these feelings that only deepens and strengthens over time.
When we understand that it is not whom we love that counts but how we love, then we are not searching helplessly waiting to bump into the 'right one' to give such a love.
One can practice and build such a confidence in becoming the loving person their spouse will need right now by loving others.
When young people understand that love is an active verb, then they can grasp the key difference between maturity and immaturity.
An immature person focuses on being loved and the mature focuses on giving out love.
2. Realities of Marriage
Even though it is popular to have weddings, modern adolescents and single adults show a large ignorance about the institution of marriage.
These include the benefits of being married, its demands, for success and so on.
Research backs up the advantages of being married and what it takes to succeed in it. Researchers also reveal that all relationships several predictable phases of romance, conflict, re-commitment.
This phase is inevitable before a couple reaches a deep oneness of heart which is an very attractive element of couples of enduring love.
There is also a stage after marriage and the beginning of the romantic period when the illusion of the other falls away, which singles can prepare themselves for.
The warm feelings they experienced in the stage before dry up and they fee they are married to or dating a stranger.
Single people should learn that this is a part of growth and not evidence that they have married the wrong person.
When a married couple comes to this point they have three choice: one is to escape the marriage through affairs or divorce, another is to stay together but keep their distance, and the third option is to commit to have a love between them that is based on acceptance, respect and living for the other spouse's benefit.
Couples pursue the third way, a real bond develops between them and the enter into a season of greater discovery, intimacy and maturity than they have ever known.
The final stage which all relationships enter into is that of service, when the couple's cohesiveness bears a lasting fruit through the contributing to the lives of others.
Young people can have a negative outlook when they experience even minor conflicts in their own relationships or in marriages around them.
It is better when they know beforehand that the romantic phase will give way to tension and disillusionment about the relationship and person.
This is the opportunity to unite with the other on an even deeper level.
When one knows the phases they will encounter in a relationship, then they can avoid the mistake of giving up when difficulties inevitably arise.
Young people can also have a perspective in order to interpret what they see in others' relationships.
Expectations Brought Down to Earth
Media have portrays marriage as another means in order to gain personal gratification and not as a grounds for moral growth or a vehicle for raising children.
Blain Fowers calls the idealistic notion of a 'soul mate' who will meet all of one's needs for love and companionship a “myth of marital happiness.”
When people go into a relationship believing the other is to fill all of the holes they feel missing, they sabotage themselves by expecting too much.
Marriage education can help balance young people's expectations in alignment with reality.
3. The Option of Intercultural Marriage
When looking for a mate, individuals frequently look for others who are like themselves.
At the same time, opposites do attract. Partners who unite from different ethnic or other kinds of backgrounds, is increasing across the world through social media and as the world merges into one global community.
It is essential for everyone to be educated about the benefits in marriages that cross boundaries and how to prepare for the challenge.
One advantage of intercultural marriages is that the children have stronger immune systems from the merging of genetically disparate lineages.
The combined cultural mix of spouses from different ethnic or religious heritages, offer their broad spectrum of gifts to their children. Their minds and hearts will be stretched to embrace more types of people without having any prejudice toward them or have no ethnic arrogance.
Marriages that have spouses from different cultures and races are dramatic and fascinating to behold.
Marriages from different backgrounds encompass a greater slice of humanity than other unions.
People would not be able to take their eyes off of an ebony-toned highly educated African states woman receiving a kiss from her rumpled, golden-haired, Scandinavian fishing boat captain husband?
When love flows through groups that were are are enemies is poignant.
These unions help to bridge historical rifts heal any deep-seated wounds.
Reverend Moon says that Heavenly Father is very moved by couples like these.
Even though these partnerships are very rich, young people may look at the misunderstandings that will initially come in such a relationship.
Therefore, they must be prepared to make an extra effort o embrace their spouse's background and negotiate.
Many who lose their virginity and feel alone may ask, “Why didn't anyone tell me?”.
Those who are qualified should teach young people about the role of sex in marriage and also the destructiveness of having sex outside of a commitment before they make those mistakes.
Psychologist John Van Epp describes the healthiest progression of bonding as proceeding
in five steps: from knowing to trusting, from trusting to reliance, then from reliance to commitment, and only then to physical bonding.
Traditionally, these were well-known courting behaviors and now they have to be chosen on purpose.
When young people learn the natural steps and stages incurred in a relationship and how sex is a final step not beforehand, they are less likely to follow the wrong way.
Relational Skills
The possibility that those venturing into marriage might get a divorce can be very disempoering.
Also, those who try to keep their chastity may feel pressure and intimidation from the partners and peers who are sexually engaged.
Having basic 'people skills' is the bedrock of marital success. Reverend Moon suggest that couples preparing to get married should learn basic relational skill.
These skills can be learned beyond communicating in the home to team sports, leadership roles in schools, worship centers, work, childcare, teaching, sales experience and through service projects.
Formal coaching in relationships can supplement these experiences.
Studies on human conflict and communication in close relationships have found methods to ease discord when it erupts and how to alleviate the blocks to a person having warm and effective interactions.
1. Communication and Conflict Resolution
If interaction is the lifeblood of all relationships, then blocks in communication comprise the classic relationship threat.
Prominent marriage and abstinence courses train in communication and conflict resolution techniques which are invaluable in marriage and further down the road in parenthood, and for a single person's family and friends.
When one learns how to talk, listen and reduce the tension that is bound to arrive in relationships, they have more of a chance at having more successful interactions.
This involves learning to cope when negative feelings like stress, anger, guilt and fear arise. These skills take time to learn.
“‘Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.’” James 1.19
On one hand there is the ability to speak clearly without personal attack, vague complaints not relavent to the argument at hand or exaggerations that hurt the other person.
On the other hand there is learning how to fully listen and with empathy. This involves giving he other person point-of-view on a disagreement full attention instead of preparing a retort.
When we as a society can learn such habits early on, many harmful marital mistakes can be prevented when learn skills.
2. Setting Boundaries of Physical Involvement
Basic communication and relational skills needed to teach about maintaining one's chastity reinforces sexual boundaries.
Reverend Moon states that a wise person clearly states exactly their parameters regarding physical contact and exclusivity before one enters into a close relationship with the opposite sex.
It is necessary, first of all, to define what purity or abstinence is which represents technically avoiding physical intercourse and even discourages having any sexual arousal.
When one chooses chastity, it respects that sexuality largely involves the mind and heart. The body has such a measure of power that it is not easy to restrain if aroused. This does not make an excuse to say that sexual instincts are out of one's control.
On the contrary, sexual instincts always respond to the instruction of the mind.
Once individuals reach beyond a certain point of touch and arousal, the body's natural progression toward intercourse becomes increasingly difficult to stop.
Those serious about keeping their purity should not place themselves in situations that can lead to intercourse.
“It’s tough being a musician,” confesses 26-year-old Richard Kaweesa, a Ugandan who has maintained his chastity. “You are prone to temptations, with all these girls coming after you. They want to know you, where your hotel room is. [But] it’s up to you . . . . We are not victims of our environment.”
To make a true commitment to purity means knowing ahead of time the pressures to go past those boundaries and preparing a response. These take learning resistance skills.
She is a smart teenager or single adult who has practiced how to explain her purity standard to her friends and to members of the opposite sex interested in her.
He is also wise who has planned 'escape' measures when he finds himself in a difficult situation such as house full of drinking friends who are getting sexually involved or being alone with an aggressive, attractive young woman.
One will not be able to protect their purity unless he or she plans how to defend the boundaries they have set when temptation comes.
Challenge for engaged couples
One mistake couples make is setting boundaries according to what stage of commitment they are at.
The closer to the wedding, the further they allow themselves to go. “We’re almost married,” they tell themselves, “it will do no harm.”
Yet, a couple dissipates their moral authority and the power of their love and imperil their purity when they go too far with the boundaries they set.
Too many couples break their engagement when they succumb to intercourse as a direct result of compromising their own promise they made to themselves, each other and God.
“I’m glad that my wife and I never gave in to the pressure to get too physically involved before we got married,” says one young man, 30.
“I realized later that because I respected her and our prior agreement, she has no qualms about me going away on business trips. She trusts me. And I trust myself too, though I am still careful. I’m proud of what we did.”
We can explain sexual commitment through the use of financial analogy.
As couples begin to talk of commitment, they begin saving more and more money to prepare for their future together.
This approach can be taken wisely with sex.
As couples become more serious about marriage, they are smart to become even more careful in regards of physical affection, holding off in order to invest more in the bonding and excitement of their marriage.
The highest standard is to avoid touching one another altogether and let the anticipation mount towards they day they get married.
This is the secret behind traditional practices that forbid touching upon their engagement announcement: not to deprive a couple but to enhance the love and pleasure.
Our modern society does not value innocence and the sexual joy that is the fruit of one keeping their virginity and vows of lifelong love is not appreciated, yet it is the strongest.
Return for Tomorrow's Post:
This post was rewritten and derived from the religious textbook, “Educating for True Love” written by a team of writer to explain Reverend Sun Myung Moon's philosophy on sex and marriage.
